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"You look like shit," I rasp, my voice full of sleep, and he nods in agreement. His hair is a mess, clothes disheveled as he walks over to me. He leans down and kisses my forehead before handing me one of his black sweaters, making my eyes tear up, knowing I was wishing for this.
"Thank you," I whisper, and he nods again as I pull the sweater over my head, his deep forest scent hitting my nostrils and relaxing my whole body.
It's at this moment, as he sits on the end of April's bed with pain and guilt in his eyes, that I realize the woman was lying, that I was stupid and gullible enough to believe her, to think he could be a cheater.
He just wanted me, and she was trying to get me to push him away, and it worked. My heart breaks with the realization that it means I don't deserve this man. What he did two years ago was bad, but I believed his ex for a long time. That’s worse.
He deserves someone who wouldn't question his loyalty or honor or character.
He sighs, running his hand through his hair before rasping, "Freckles, I-I—fuck, I fucked up baby…."
My heart stalls, realizing how much this man actually loves me. I mean, he's about to....
Is he about to tell me what he did with that woman?
14
Smokey
I shake my head and look at my Little Red, sleeping peacefully as my guilt buries me, just like my parents warned me.
As soon as I woke up from my little nap and my disorientated state wore off, my memories hit me like a ton of bricks. I puked in my trash can, and my whole fucking body felt dirty. I spent over an hour scrubbing my body, my stomach churning every time I closed my eyes and saw Cherrie's gleeful gaze looking up at me.
I felt like I cheated even though I knew I hadn't.
Livvy's seeing someone else; she's told me countless times that we were not going to happen again, that I destroyed us, but, in my heart, I felt like I cheated because Livvy is still mine, as I am hers.
I blink several times before looking at the girl who holds my heart.
She's curled up on the chair I held her on, my sweater wrapped around her. I don't know why I brought it. I guess I just had a feeling, and that feeling was right. When I gave it to her, her eyes teared up before putting it on.
This girl loves me, and now I'm about to make her hate me because this, what I did, is something I can't keep from her. She deserves to know, even if she is still with jackass.
"I allowed a woman, a club whore, who I fucked before you came on the scene, to suck me for a few minutes while drunk. My momma tore her away from me, smashing her face into the floor." My girl's eyes tear up. I swallow hard before giving her the full truth. "If Momma hadn't shown up, I most likely would have fucked her."
She flinches before looking at the little girl who has burrowed her way deep into my heart, a girl who calls me daddy.
I sniffle, trying to make sure I don't fucking cry like a little bitch, and choke out, "I, fuck Freckles, I feel dirty. I was drunk and-and it’s no excuse. My heart is fucking hurting, baby. Every day without you, it's hard to fucking breathe, and I just—" I run my fingers through my hair, my eyes still on her form, wishing she'd look at me, "I just snapped, baby. Two years. It's a long time to try and win your girl back when she hasn't given you a way in. I know I hurt you that day. I understand I should have had a rational conversation with you. Still, Livvy, seeing that intimate photo of you with Phil, the love in your eyes, love I now know is like a brother kind of love, it—fuck baby, it made me realize how much you have clawed into my heart.
It made me realize how madly in love I was with you…I am with you."
Her head whips my way in shock, tears falling down her cheeks, hearing my declaration of love.
I shake my head. "We'd just found out Hairy had betrayed us; I was forced to take on the VP role I didn't think I was good enough for. I…I panicked at the consuming pain I felt looking at that photo, and now…." I shake my head, looking back at Little Red whose moved onto her side, snoring away. "I feel like I fucking cheated on you. I feel fucking dirty despite scrubbing my body under scalding water for an hour."
My eyes tear up, but I blink several times, not willing for the tears to fall.
Livvy's quiet for a few minutes; only her sniffles can be heard as my heart pounds.
Finally, she replies, "We-we're not an item, Smokey." I flinch at her use of my road name when only yesterday she called me my given name. "You didn't cheat because we're not together."
I shake my head and rasp, "Even though it's all I fucking want, and my heart feels like I did?"
She sniffles again. "You didn't cheat."
I shake my head again, my hand gently stroking April's foot. It doesn't matter if she's telling me I didn't cheat; it still fucking feels like I have, because no matter what, this girl is mine, and her daughter is mine in every way but blood.
I go to open my mouth, to plead and beg for her to put her pride away and just give me a chance to show her how much she means to me but April's door opens. We both look to see who intruded, but Livvy flinches, seeing Harris, who narrows his eyes at me, making me raise a brow.
