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Eventually, he spoke. “Okay. Here’s how I see it. This is your career. It’s important to you, and I’d never stand in your way. I appreciate your concerns for me and my future career, but honestly, I don’t think that’s an issue.” He swallowed hard, clenching and unclenching his fists, and it was so fucking painful to see him distressed because of me. “What is an issue is your promotion. We can’t do anything to jeopardise that. I’d never forgive myself, and we’d end up resenting each other. So I think…I think it’s best if—if we end things between us.”
Fuck. Even though, deep down, I’d known this was inevitable, the pain was almost unbearable. My throat became clogged, and I struggled to speak, emotion bleeding through my voice even though I did everything I could to push it down.
“I shouldn’t want you, but I do. You’re an amazing man, Joshua, and I don’t want this to end. But I suppose…I always knew this had an expiry date. I knew I was never going to be able to keep you.”
He gave me a sad attempt at a smile, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. One spilled over his lashes, and I fucking hated myself for making my sunshine cry. “I-I never thought it would last, either. I never thought there would be a future between us. I hadn’t ever planned on a relationship, or even a situationship, or whatever you want to call this thing.” Another tear ran down his cheek, and his bottom lip wobbled. “I just—I just never realised that ending it would hurt so fucking much.”
“Joshua.” I couldn’t bear his pain. Pulling him into my arms, I held him tightly, doing everything I could to push down the tidal wave of my own emotions that was threatening to drown me. Only by knowing that I needed to stay strong for him did I manage. I could fall apart later when I was alone. JJ needed me now.
His tears soaked my shirt as I blinked away the wetness from my own eyes.
The very same day I’d made my promise to his friends, I’d broken it.
26
The weather matched my mood. Unseasonably cold, grey, and drizzling. My mood soured even further when I reached the front of the queue in the coffee shop, and the barista recognised me, greeting me with a bright smile. “Morning! Your usual? An Americano and a caramel Frappuccino with whipped cream?”
Completely unprepared for the stabbing pain that resulted from her words, I gaped at her for a moment, before my mouth snapped shut, my jaw clenching. “No. Just the Americano,” I ground out, hitting my debit card against the reader with far too much force.
There were no more of those ridiculously sweet, ridiculously overpriced drinks in my future. And no more ridiculously beautiful sunshine boys, with the power to warm even my ice-cold heart.
Fuck. It hurt. It had only been two days, and I missed JJ so much. We’d texted each other, keeping our messages short and simple, because neither of us could bear to completely close the lines of communication between us, but we’d agreed that it was best not to see each other face-to-face for a little while.
I hated being apart from him, to know he was no longer mine, but as I’d told him, I’d always known I’d never be able to keep him. I could only hope that one day the pain would fade, that I’d stop feeling as though a part of me was missing. And even more than that, I wanted him to stop hurting. I hated that he was hurting, and that I’d been the one to cause him pain.
By the time I entered the lecture hall, my mood had darkened even further, and my students bore the brunt of it. I retreated into myself, reverting to my cold, hard persona, where nothing and no one had the power to hurt me.
When the torturous lecture was over, and the students fled the room, I heard the mutters from the corridor.
“Fucking hell, that was brutal.”
“What was up with him today? He was worse than he’s ever been before!”
“I need alcohol after that, and it’s not even midday.”
“What an asshole.”
Someone cleared their throat close to me, and I gritted my teeth, lifting my head. Ander was there, a smirk on his face. “Bad day, huh? Maybe you need some alone time with JJ to improve your mood.”
“Get. Out.”
His smirk disappeared instantly, his eyes widening.
“Get the fuck out. Now.” I slammed my fist down onto the table, making my laptop rattle, and with a mumbled “Sorry” and another shocked glance, he left me alone.
When he was gone, I buried my head in my hands. Guilt, remorse—because my students really didn’t deserve my wrath when they’d done nothing wrong—and despair swirled through my stomach, making me nauseous.
I guessed JJ hadn’t told his friends that we’d ended things between us. Ander Loveridge was many things, but he wasn’t heartless. We’d almost been getting on, the last time I’d seen him, in fact.
Fuck.
Opening up my email client, I scrolled through the list of my students’ email addresses until I found his, and stabbed out a brief message of apology. Slamming my laptop shut, I lowered my head to the desk, closing my eyes.
I just had to concentrate on getting through today. Then sleep would come, and my real-life nightmare would be over for a little while.
Walking out of the campus library after returning some research journals I’d borrowed, I stopped dead.
Across the square, coming out of the student union, was JJ. His head was bowed, and he was wearing a charcoal-grey hoodie with the hood pulled up. Grey. I’d never once seen him in grey. I hadn’t even known he owned any clothing in that colour. Even at a distance, I could see the downturned slant of his mouth and his defeated posture.
