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Yet, when she pulls away, I know it’s for the best because no one, not even Carter himself, can keep my fears and insecurities at bay. As I greet my next student and take them through the same lesson plan, I go over everything in my head for the umpteenth time. Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the less it makes sense.
On the one hand, I’m relieved to know that I’m no longer a murderer, with blood on my hands and no future for myself or the baby.
On the other hand, being stuck in this limbo state with Carter and not knowing which way to move isn’t any better. For ten days, I assumed the worst about myself, and I wanted to act accordingly, but at least I knew what needed to be done. Now that I know what’s become of Rich and Lilian, at Carter’s hands, no less, I have no idea what to do.
Or how to move forward from this.
Part of me is relieved that neither of them is walking the earth anymore, waiting to taunt and torment us. Another part of me is dreading the thought of how many more bodies need to pile up before Carter decides it is enough.
How much collateral damage is too much?
How many more people does Carter need to kill before he realizes he can’t protect us from every enemy or slay every dragon? And how many more times am I going to turn the other cheek just to keep the peace?
As the lesson progresses, and the student in front of me, a blonde-haired woman with a thick accent, grows more and more lively, I begin to consider the question more seriously. An hour later, when I bring the lesson to an end, I’m no closer to figuring out the answers.
Whatever chasm exists between us, whatever issues Carter and I have, they haven’t miraculously vanished because I no longer have blood on my hands, even if a part of me desperately wishes that were true.
If anything, they’re worse, and they’re going to continue to grow and cast a dark shadow on everything unless we face them head on.
By the time my second session ends, I’m exhausted, and the headache that’s been building in the back of my skull has grown stronger. I press two fingers to my temples and rub in slow, circular motions, but it doesn’t help.
Nothing can help me at this point, not even knowing where Carter is.
When Sam knocks on the door, I’m tidying up the room and unsure of what to do with myself. She takes the bundle of clothes out of my hands and pats the edge of the bed. Together, we sit down, and Sam pulls me into a hug.
I don’t realize I’m crying until my shoulders start to shake.
“It’s all going to work out. It’s going to be okay,” Sam repeats over and over. She says it into my hair and my ear. Then she tucks me into bed, and I curl into her side until I fell asleep. My last thought before I drift off is of my daughter and the kind of stories I want to tell her when she grows up.
And the kind of man I desperately hope her father is becoming.
Chapter Nineteen
Carter
I blow out a ring of smoke and stare at the man through the thin veil. “How much longer?”
“A few more minutes.” The greasy-haired man in front of me shifts from one foot to the other and then quickly looks over his shoulder. A few of the Natori men are on the other side of the street, their backs pressed against the wall with anxious looks on their faces. A few feet away, the Philips men stand, wearing identical grim expressions.
My men, on the other hand, look unperturbed and unaffected.
It’s exactly the way I want them to behave and what I’ve been trying to present to my enemies. Scattered and with a civil war brewing between our ranks, we’re of no use to each other. But since our last disastrous meeting, things have gotten much better—largely due to the fact that Daniel Blackthorne, my meddling uncle, no longer attends our meetings.
Not only has he been cautioned to stay away, but he also has business of his own to attend to, which is something that I am immensely grateful for. Having him around forces the men to draw comparisons, and it confuses them. The last thing I need is for them to descend into more chaos and unrest.
Not with the Natoris and Philipses breathing down our necks.
I’ve already had to put a few of their men in their places, much to the chagrin and displeasure of their leaders, but considering they were caught red-handed, no one was able to do anything to stop me.
They still can’t. Not unless they want the full might of the Blackthorne empire to descend upon them.
The Natoris and Philipses are greedy, manipulative, and reckless sons of bitches, but they’re not stupid, and they know better than to cross me, especially with how things have been going with the treaty. Although it’s been weeks, I know that the delays aren’t solely my fault.
During my prowling, I’ve made it a point to keep my ear pressed to the ground, and most of the chatter is about how the Natoris and Philipses are looking for a way out.
A red herring to back me against the wall.
Thankfully, no one in this city is ballsy enough to take me on, at least no one who’s still alive to talk about it.
