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Oliver
I watch Lilly leave with a sinking feeling in my stomach and turn towards Emma.
“What are you doing here?” I ask her, knowing my tone is harsh but not able to find it in me to care.
“I came to give you another chance. But clearly you don’t want a chance with me. Despite how long we were together, you took no time to get over me. Are you in love with her?” she asks, her words demanding but her voice shaking with emotion.
I sigh as I walk away from Emma to unpack the car and give myself some room to breathe. If I don’t, I will snap at her again, and she doesn’t deserve that after all we have been through together.
Emma follows me. “Just tell me. I’m right, aren’t I? As soon as we broke up, you went to her?”
I know I owe her the truth. So I turn to look at her, the “perfect” woman, according to Lilly, and I feel nothing.
“Yes,” I tell her. “I went to her hoping she would finally give me a chance.”
At this, Emma’s face turns sad, her eyes filling with tears. “Then why did you leave her just now and come to me? Why didn’t you just tell me to go?” she asks, sounding confused.
I cannot understand my reaction to the situation myself. It’s not like I have any lingering feelings for Emma. I know I don’t want to get back together with her. Am I so used to being the good guy that I put the needs of Emma ahead of Lilly? Or am I subconsciously sabotaging things with Lilly before they even begin? Everything this weekend with Lilly has been so perfect. Am I too scared to actually be with her, for fear of things going wrong?
None of this makes any sense, and I hate feeling this out of control. All I know is that I just made a decision, a split-second decision, and it may be one that haunts me for some time.
“I didn’t want to hurt you further by flaunting it in front of you,” I tell her with brutal honesty. “And I didn’t want to give you the chance to say something hurtful to Lilly. You haven’t been very kind to her, and she doesn’t deserve the hate you send her way.”
Emma has the decency to blush at this. “So that’s it? You two are together now?”
“I thought we were getting there.” I look in the direction of Amy’s long-gone car. “Now I am not so sure. I may have blown it before it even began.”
Emma is quiet for a moment, thinking about what I just said, and maybe she sees something in my face that tells her what my words cannot, but to my surprise, she takes a deep breath and brushes my arm in sympathy.
“You really love her, don’t you?”
I nod, grateful that she is giving me a chance to explain what is going on with Lilly and me, and before I can stop myself, I am telling her everything that I have kept hidden for so long.
“I have always had strong feelings for Lilly, ever since we were kids growing up together. I never thought we could work though. So she has kind of existed as an unattainable fantasy for me. She is the person people gravitate towards, the one who has all the fun and creates all the mess, and I am just the person that cleans up that mess. Who wants to be with that person?”
Emma gives me a small smile and puts her hand up, and I wince at my thoughtless words.
“I don’t mean anything by that,” I hasten to reassure her. “And when you and I were together, I wasn’t thinking about Lilly. You have to believe that.”
Emma nods with understanding, and I continue, my thoughts back on Lilly.
“I just never thought she would want to be with someone like me. She put me firmly in the friend zone for all these years, and it worked for us. And if I’m being honest, the feelings she inspires in me, they scare me sometimes. I feel out of control, and out of my depth, and…” I trail off, lost in my thoughts.
“And you wanted to avoid that by being with someone who doesn’t inspire such big emotions?”
Again, I wince at how harsh my words are, knowing I am not painting my relationship with Emma in the best light.
“I wanted to be with someone similar to me,” I say instead, trying to convey to her that I really thought we were well suited. “You are so polished, and smart, and organised.”
“Oliver, what you are describing are the traits you should want in a secretary, not a partner,” Emma says, still taking everything I am telling her with grace. Reverting back to the Emma I knew when we first got together, the Emma that wasn’t so quick to snap at people.
“I know that now. I know now that all the things I thought were important in a partner, well, they really aren’t. It’s how they make you feel that is important. What I want is someone who brings colour into my life. Someone who makes me laugh, and loosens me up. I want Lilly,” I finish, feeling more miserable as the minutes go by.
“Well, it sounds like you have finally figured out who you should be with. And even though you may have blown it a little bit tonight by not telling me to piss off and sweeping her off her feet into the house, I am sure you will be able to fix it.”
She then gives me a small hug, surprising me further, and whispers, “You need to go to her, and you need to fight for her.”
And with that bit of advice, she gives me a small, sad wave and walks away. Leaving me standing next to the luggage and a mountain of regret. So I take her advice to try to fix this with Lilly. I pick up my phone and dial her number, hoping she will give me a chance to explain. No answer. Damn it.
