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“We know we have seemed dismissive of some of your plans in the past, Lilly. And we shouldn’t have been. It has just been so hard watching you flounder since leaving university, and we thought by suggesting some career options, we were being helpful.”
“But we realise you didn’t need that from us,” my mum continues. “That you already had a path you were forging and that all we needed to do was support you on your way.”
Tears fill my eyes as I listen to what my parents are telling me. “So you aren’t disappointed in me? That I didn’t follow in your footsteps and do something more academically inclined?”
At this, it is my parents’ turn to look shocked.
“Is that what you thought? That we were disappointed in you?” my mum asks.
“Well, yes,” I tell them. “You were always pushing me away from my dreams, towards your own. I guess I never felt like I was good enough for you.” In saying this, I feel a sense of relief that it is out in the open.
“Lilly, you listen to me,” my mum says, staring at me from the screen. “Not for one moment, not one minute in your life, have you ever been a disappointment to us. And we are sorry if we made you feel that way,” she finishes, her eyes now filled with tears.
“You are our greatest gift, Lil,” my father continues, his voice gruff with emotion. “Our greatest achievement, and we are proud of you and the life you have made for yourself every single day. You are so fearless, and you will do such great things with your life. And we are proud to watch you succeed in whatever way you want your life to go.”
I feel a weight lift from my chest at hearing the words from my parents that I have wanted to hear my whole life, and I give them a watery smile.
“Really?” I ask, needing further reinforcement.
My parents smile at me, their eyes still wet with tears. “Yes, Lilly. And we are sorry if we ever made you doubt this.”
I grin at my parents now, feeling like we are finally on the same page. “So which one of my posts is your favourite?”
As they laugh, they each tell me which post they loved the most, and why, arguing between themselves. As I watch on, my heart fills with joy at this moment. After we chat for a while longer, with my parents promising to come down and visit the weekend of my pop-up café, I say goodbye to them and hang up, feeling a bit dazed.
I think back now to what I discussed with Amy, how I have felt unwanted and unloved by my own parents, and I wonder how I got it all so wrong. Granted, my parents had never been effusive in their approval of me, as they were today, but they have always supported me. And while they often tried to steer me in directions that made sense to them, my mum was the one who encouraged me to take up baking as a hobby when I first spoke about it with them, and she even subscribed to a few cooking magazines to help guide me on my way. They may never have agreed outright with this as a career path, but they never stood in my way either. I was looking at our relationship through the lens of my own insecurities and got it all so wrong.
I pick up the phone to call Amy, hoping she is available for another therapy session. When she answers and clarifies that she has some free time, I unload on her everything that happened in the past thirty minutes.
“Lilly,” Amy says, when I have finished my monologue, “I have always known your parents love and support you. You were too busy feeling down on yourself to believe this. And for the past year, you have been floating along, a little bit aimlessly, until you started working on your New Year’s resolution list. It has given you a purpose, and I’ve noticed a big change in you over the past month. You’re more confident and more driven. And you are now in a place to receive this support from your parents.”
“Wow, you sound like Oprah,” I tell her, laughing a little through more tears. “You are right. I know you are right. I was feeling so negative about my life that I was projecting it onto how I saw others viewing me. My parents didn’t deserve that.”
“Not just your parents,” Amy says, not being subtle.
“You mean Oliver?” I ask. “You think I’ve been projecting the same way onto him?”
“I don’t know for sure, Lil. But I think it is worth thinking about. If you don’t feel you deserve love, then you won’t be able to receive it either.”
Amy’s words cut through me like a knife, which is what she intended. Was I running away from Oliver before he had the chance to walk away from me? Is it a case of feeling unlovable so I leave before he can see me that way too?
“I have a lot to think about,” I tell Amy, already pondering which cookies I will bake while I do this.
“You know I’m here as a sounding board if you need,” Amy offers. “And bake an extra batch of whatever you settle on for me,” she adds, reading my mind and knowing me a little too well.
“And think about what you want to do for your birthday this weekend, because I am not letting you celebrate another year of life in some sad, miserable, alone state,” she adds to lighten the mood.
I laugh at her description of the mess I was in last year and how I am not too far off from that state this year and agree to think about it. Add it to the whole list of thinking I have in store for this evening.
“Love you, Lilly,” Amy says, signing off.
“Thanks, Ames. Love you too.”
I get to work in the kitchen, focusing on the tasks of making cookies and learning to love myself. Boy, do I have quite the evening ahead.
CHAPTER 36
Oliver
