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I’ve been fightin it ever my last look at Fiona’s face, strugglin with our separation and her vague commitment to future communication. It’s almost too much for me to fathom what all went down between us in that hotel room, and all weekend long. Where do I even start? I glance back over at Jose and he’s still staring fixedly.
“It was her Jose. Fiona’s the one.”
“Dude, I don’t even know what to say man. Congratulations! You bringin her back here or what?” he asks, slappin me on the back.
“It’s gonna take some time bro. This one ain’t easy.”
“Awwww…she played hard to get, huh?” he asks with a shit-eatin grin.
“Naw, that’s not even what I meant bro. I mean…she’s mine, and I know I’ve got her, but I’m gonna have to negotiate to get her in my life in a big and permanent way.”
“Oh yeah? Doesn’t she know a good thing when she has it?”
“Well, sure, but she’s also got her own personal life.”
“Oh dang man…boyfriend?”
“Naw, just a few loose ends to tie up. That’s all.”
“You tell her about your big farmhouse you’re plannin to put her in and everything?”
“No Jose. I’m not gonna try to buy anyone. You know that. She’ll come to me when she’s ready to, and it won’t be because of anything else I have to offer her.”
“Aw come on man,” he says with a doubtful half-smile. “Women ain’t like that. You gotta give her somethin to come to.”
“Oh yeah? Well, she knows I own Big Bo’s and the farm. I’m not askin her to hook up with some broke down guy. I’m only askin her to take a chance on love, if that’s what it is. And I’m here to tell you bro, that’s what this is. You’ll see. You just wait and see.”
“Hey, I believe you man. You know I’ve always believed in you,” Jose says, clinking his bottle against my now-empty one. “Another beer?”
“No, thanks man. Just one for me tonight. I got a lot to catch up on out there. I’ll be seein you later bro.”
A gold and orange sunset brightens the horizon behind me as I drive toward the farm, and my heart folds in on itself…trying to process that Fiona’s not here to see this with me, and that I was unsuccessful at layin any plans for a future with her. I pass the next five nights and days in a flourish of farm work…sweatin in the sun, buildin up my calluses, sleepin only a few hours here and there. I’ve gotta get efficient enough to put aside extra time for workin on the house. I intend to have it fixed up and beautiful by the time Fiona’s ready to get serious.
Late Friday night, after the longest week of my life, my phone rings and it’s an Iowa number I don’t recognize. All day I could feel that this was the night. I’ve been waitin for her.
As I answer the phone, I can feel the weight of her on the other end…heat, rage, fragility, desire. It’s all there, waitin to breathe life into me again. When I put her to my ear, I pause a moment…listening to her atmosphere, knowin I’m about to face the tantalizing voice that’s been haunting me nonstop. The voice that puts me to bed at night and then keeps me awake. That runs an opinionated critique over every move I make. The voice that brings me a vision of her eyes, pulsing with longing and pain…a somersault of conflicted emotions.
“Big Bo,” I answer as usual, but not in my usual voice.
“Bo, hi!” Her overemphasized words blare through the phone. “How are you? How’s business?” she asks with a gratingly phony demeanor.
“All good here,” I reply, tryin not to get irritated. “I notice you’re not using your own phone yet?” May as well get down to business if she’s not gonna be real with me.
“Nope. No…everything’s fine, just…being on the safe side.”
I can smell her dishonesty from here. “Well did you get it checked out yet?” I ask, knowin I’m treading on thin ice to steer the conversation this way.
“We’re working on it,” she replies in a voice that tells me there’s an unnatural smile plastered to her face.
My soul tears in two as I absorb the implications of Fiona’s behavior. She’s shut me out, but she realized she couldn’t let any more days pass without at least makin the obligatory check-in call. If I don’t find some way to fuse together her opposing sides, she might never allow herself to remember ‘us’. She’ll push our memories deep down into those pockets of her heart she refuses to examine.
“Well that’s good. You be sure to let me know how that goes.” I decide placating her is my only option for now.
“Oh you bet…I’ll let you know,” she responds with inappropriate enthusiasm. “Everything’s good at the store. Got Maxine’s plaque up and the paper did an article on us, so we’re all happy,” she gleefully announces.
“I’m glad to hear everything’s hunky dory then.” Somethin tells me I’d better not say anything personal at this time, yet I don’t know when or how I’ll talk to Fiona again. She’s really got me dangling over an abyss.
“Yes. And I’m glad things are good with you,” she responds, followed by a couple beats of silence. “Well, I’ve gotta run actually. I made plans with Holly and I need to get ready.”
