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I don’t know why I woke up feeling so anxious this morning, but I do. My chest feels tight, like someone has their hand fisted around my heart. I sit up, trying to take a few deep breaths and calm myself down, but that doesn’t help. I stand and start to prepare for my shower, but first I look at my pictures. Looking at the moments frozen in time always helps to bring my overwhelming feelings back to a manageable place. I feel a slight panic in my chest but I can’t pinpoint why it might be there.
I look at the picture on my shelf of my parents and I on my high school graduation day. I was standing between them. My mom and I are the same height and my dad is several inches taller than us. I’m an only child, which used to make me sad but meeting Ana and making her my best friend helped ease that loneliness.
In another picture, Ana and I have our arms around each other standing outside of a Jonas Brothers concert. You can see the tears in my thirteen year old eyes from the pure excitement of Joe possibly making eye contact with me, and in consequence falling in love with me.
With a sigh and an unattractive grunt, I turn and go to get ready. I text Lucas and ask if he wants to meet at the coffee shop before our morning classes. He says yes and I let out a sigh of relief. I was worried that stupid Elliot Decker may have ruined my chances with Lucas since this is still so new and could end before it even begins.
Feeling extra ‘extra’ this morning, I choose a maroon long-sleeve ‘t-shirt dress’, black tights and tan ankle boots. I leave my hair down after curling it slightly to try and achieve beachy waves. I love some good beachy hair waves in the fall.
I am relieved that the temperature is finally dropping, especially since fall is definitely my favorite season. I am already planning apple and pumpkin picking trips with Ana and a few friends from my classes. I am excited about the idea of inviting Lucas now, too.
Once I finally reach the coffee shop—sans Ana since she doesn’t have class until later—I see Lucas sitting at a table inside with two coffees in front of him. I smile and make my way towards him.
“Cream and four sugars, right?” He asks with a sweet smile. I return the smile and take the cup from him as I sit down.
“Perfect, thank you.” I take a tentative sip since it is still hot.
“So how was your night last night?” He asks, looking down and fidgeting with the coffee stirrer.
“Pretty uneventful. My classes were done around 4 so I just went home with Ana, and we ate dinner together.”
“Cool.” He smiles tightly, and when I look closely I can see hesitation in his expression.
“Is everything okay?” I ask nervously.
He doesn’t answer right away and continues to look at his cup. I wait patiently, trying not to freak out. He reaches a hand up and pulls on the neckline of his blue pullover sweater. “Yeah, I think so. I’m just going to be honest and straight-forward, okay?”
I gulp, full of nerves. “Of course, yeah.” I try to keep my face calm and not flustered. Confrontational conversations are one of my least favorite things in the world, closely followed by having to say ‘someone’s in here’ in a public restroom. Actually, public restrooms are on that list also.
“I’ve just had a bad taste in my mouth after seeing your interaction with that guy yesterday.” He looks at me with a neutral expression. He doesn’t look pissed, but unsure.
“Decker?” I ask even though I already know the answer. He nods curtly. “Yeah, I can totally see why you would be feeling that way. We have a weird relationship, and I don’t even feel comfortable using the word ‘relationship’ because it’s not even that.” I answer honestly. He nods slowly, still unsure.
“You said that he hates you?” He asks questioningly, taking a big sip from his cup.
“Yeah, big time. I don’t really know why, honestly. We went to high school together and we just never clicked. Yesterday’s conversation with him was the longest we’ve ever spoken at one time, I think.” I try to make my voice clear, certain, and not wobbly like I feel on the inside. My stomach is in knots.
“Okay—” He takes another sip of his coffee and looks out the window. “Do you have feelings for him?”
I frown. “Not in the slightest.”
“Well, he obviously has feelings for you, which is fine. I get it. I just don’t want to get in the middle of something.” He sighs harshly.
“Lucas,” I take his hand in mine. “I don’t like him. At all. Honestly, not even as a person. I think he’s mean and cruel for no reason. I’ve tried to be nice, and he just doesn’t reciprocate that. He just doesn’t like me. I’ve accepted that, and I don’t care about him.”
He stays quiet, looking at the table instead of at me.
“Listen, please. I really like you. I know we’ve only known each other for a couple weeks, but I am really interested in seeing where this can go with you. Please, don’t let him ruin this,” I say earnestly. He finally looks at me and smiles softly.
“I really like you too, Madeline. A lot.” He puts his other hand on top of our tangle of hands.
“That’s good. I like to be liked,” I smile and joke, making him chuckle. I notice the time, remind him we need to get to class, and he pulls his hand away to grab his bag.
“Let me walk you to class.” He reaches for my hand as I put my bag over my shoulder and grab my coffee cup. We walk out of the coffee shop hand in hand, which I realize is the first time we have held hands. The thought makes me smile.
We have to walk across more than half of the campus, but we talk the whole time.
“I can’t believe you’ve never left the east coast!” He says dramatically. I laugh.
