AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Maddie, you and Elliot are married—” Ana looks at me unsure. I shake my head and lift my shoulders slightly as if to say, I don’t know what to do. “You’ve been married for three years.”
Her eyes and mouth open in disbelief. “Three years? What…h-how old…I don’t—” She becomes hysterical, her cries and gasps turn frantic. I try to reach for her and Ana starts to move out of the way. Mads clutches Ana’s arm with her good hand. “No, no, Ana, don't leave. Please don’t go. I don’t understand. I don’t want to be alone.”
How many times can my heart break in one day? I stand up and walk around to the other side of the bed. “I’ll go out in the hall and give you two some space,” Ana says.
“No, don’t go,” Mads pleads.
“Maddie, it’s okay. Take a deep breath,” Ana says firmly. Mads takes a shaky breath and closes her eyes as the tears keep falling.
“Seriously, Ana. I don’t want to overwhelm her. She’s going to hurt herself. This is a lot. I’ll just step out for a few minutes.” Ana nods her head in a sympathetic way that just completely guts me. Mads turns her face away from me, keeping her eyes closed tightly. I open my mouth to say something, but I don’t want to make it worse. I close my mouth and turn towards the door. As I’m about to walk out, I turn to look at her one more time, only to find Mads clinging to Ana.
I close my eyes and shut the door behind me quietly, crossing the hall to lean against the wall.
I should shower. I’ve only showered a few times since I’ve been here, always quickly in her tiny little bathroom so I didn’t miss anything with Mads. I’ve been wearing the same gray hoodie for three days now. I think I changed my boxers yesterday, but I honestly don’t remember.
I sink to the floor and rest my arms on my knees and after a breath, I lay my head on my arms.
She doesn’t remember being married to me. She doesn’t remember us. But she remembers me…she called me ‘Decker’. She hasn’t called me that in years.
I have a literal pain in my chest thinking about the way she looked at me just now. She wasn’t only confused, she was appalled. As if she hated the thought of being connected to me in this way, or at all. I worked so hard to become a man that would be worthy of her. It took an incredible amount of healing and growth in my life. Everything I have overcome and accomplished is because of her love and her goodness.
I’ve felt all kinds of pain. But nothing compares to the pain I felt when she looked at me like a stranger. When she snatched her hand away from me. That moment will be etched in my brain forever.
I don’t mean to make this about me. It’s not about me. I know this is just a result of the horrific trauma she experienced. Her brain is hurt. She doesn’t remember right now, but she hasn’t even been awake for an hour. She will remember eventually, right?
I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t. Stop. I tell myself. I know I can’t think like this. I’ll be whatever she needs me to be right now. Whatever she needs to heal, to feel like herself again, to find peace again; I’ll do anything.
“Elliot?” I look up at the sound of my name. Helen and Matthew, Mads’ parents, are standing over me. They both look afraid.
“She’s awake. She’s okay,” I say quickly. “Ana is with her, the doctor is on her way to see her. She uh…”
“What’s wrong?” Helen kneels in front of me and puts her hand on my arm. Her golden blonde hair is pulled back, her jacket zipped right to her chin.
“She doesn’t remember…” I start . “...being married to me.” My voice cracks as I try to hold my tears in. “She was scared…She’s just a little confused. She’ll be okay.” I force a smile that feels so fake, a smile I know they will see right through.
I am trying to reassure myself as much as I am them. Helen nods sensitively. Her face looks concerned, but she leans forward to kiss my cheek. Helen and Matthew have become parent figures in my life beyond the role of in-laws. I’m so thankful for them and their constant support and encouragement.
“She’ll be okay. You know how much she loves you. You’ve never doubted that before, don’t start now,” Matthew says as he helps Helen up and reaches his hand out to me to help me up.
“I know. You’re right. I’m just, overtired and overly emotional right now.” I wipe my face with the sleeve of my sweater. Matthew runs a hand through his brown and gray hair, his expression looks uneasy and anxious.
“That’s okay. You’re allowed to be. Come inside with us,” Matthew says as they walk towards her door.
“I will in just a minute, I’m just going to pull myself together real quick. I don’t want to make it worse for her.”
They nod and smile at me before I walk down the hall a few steps and then back towards Mads’ room. I stop before I open the door and take a deep breath. I feel like all I’ve done for a week is take deep breaths. But no matter how many I take, I can’t settle my heart or breathing enough to feel anything but panic and fear.
The only thing that will help me breathe again is Mads. My Mads, who loves me unconditionally and fiercely. Who loves me with a love I had never known before her. With a love that reached into my soul, into my darkness and pulled me out.
The thought of that possibly being gone for good is enough to make my breathing stop all together.
SEVEN
MADELINE, THEN
The next morning I wake up before my alarm and just stare at my wall, waiting for my alarm to go off. My room is simple since I decided to not bring all of my childhood bedroom stuff with me. All of the walls in our apartment are a light cream and the floors are dark hardwood with the exception of carpet in the two bedrooms.
Besides my bed and night stand, I have a standing lamp and a bean bag chair next to my bookcases. I bought and assembled—okay, Ana assembled—the two bookshelves which now hold a mixture of my books and picture frames.
