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I look back at Mads, nervous to see her expression. Her cheeks are pink, but she looks amused. She is looking at Ana with the same tenderness and love I’ve always seen when she looks at Ana. I was always envious of their friendship, wishing I could have that comfort with another person. I’m thankful that in gaining Mads, I gained a friend in Ana too.
“So, you have a boyfriend?” Mads asks Ana with a smile. Even though the smile isn’t directed towards me, it fills my heart with hope to see it again.
“Yeah, thanks to you, amor!” She sing-songs as she shimmies her shoulders towards Mads.
“Me?! What did I do?”
“He works at the school with you. You set us up last year,” She says with a sweet smile.
“A year?! That has to be your longest relationship ever!” Mads jokes, returning Ana’s smile. I swallow nervously and look at Ana. She smiles back at me sadly. “What’s wrong?” Mads asks nervously. “What did I say wrong?”
“Nothing, baby—uh Mads. Nothing.” I try to console her as she keeps looking at Ana.
“It’s fine, pollito. I dated a guy that I met in college, for about 4 years. We didn’t have…a happy ending,” Ana says with a sad smile.
“What happened? I’ll kill him,” Mads says seriously. I wince and cover my eyes with my hand before I look at Ana apologetically.
“He died three years ago,” Ana answers, still with a sad smile on her face.
“Oh no. Crap. I’m so sorry. That was so insensitive,” Mads says with tears forming in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Ana. Oh my God.”
“It’s okay, amor. It’s okay. I promise. I should have said that right away. It’s okay. I’m better, David has helped me heal so much. He’s so good to me. I love him. He better marry me before I kick his ass for not proposing already,” Ana chuckles. A few tears escape her eyes. I reach over and squeeze her shoulder quickly. She squeezes back and smiles at me.
“It’s weird to see you guys being friendly,” Mads says in an observing tone.
“We’ve all been friends for years now, Maddie. I know it’s probably strange not remembering,” Ana says kindly.
“It sucks not remembering, An. It sucks. My head not only hurts, but everything seems so fuzzy and wrong. I can’t pinpoint what my last memory is. But I’ve lived this whole life and I don’t remember any of it. Everything I used to dream of, I don’t remember doing it. It sucks.” It is rare and odd seeing her so angry.
She is the kind of person that doesn’t allow frustration to consume her. Granted, I’m at fault for making her frustrated and angry for most of our youth, especially spring of our senior year. But she is the kind of person who sees the good in anyone, even if they don’t see it themselves. The kind of person that goes out of their way to help someone who needs it. Her servant heart and selfless compassion are two of the many things I adore about her.
“I know, Mads. I know,” I say softly. “You have every right to be angry and yell. You are allowed to be frustrated. Just be careful with how you express that anger because I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” I tell her, nodding to her head and her arm. I try not to come across as controlling, but my worry for her is becoming overpowering.
She looks at me and I can see the exhaustion all over her face. I wish more than anything that there was something I could do or say to make it all better for her. If there was any way to take away her pain or confusion, I would do it. I hold her eye contact for as long as she lets me before she finally closes her eyes and leans her head back against her pillow.
“I’m tired,” She whispers. Ana squeezes her hand before getting up and returning to the couch to start packing up her things. She will be leaving to go back to her apartment soon.
The desire and need to hold Mads in my arms is hard to ignore, but I know she would absolutely not be okay with that. “Get some rest, my love,” I say as quietly as possible, before I lean back in my chair, and close my eyes.
I don’t know if my back will ever recover from sleeping in hospital chairs and recliners, but I can’t imagine leaving her side. Her breathing soon slows to a steady rhythm that tells me she is asleep. The soothing reassurance that she is alive and next to me brings me enough peace, however temporary, to find my own sleep.
THIRTEEN
MADELINE, THEN
“You never hated me?”
“Not at all.”
I sputter, “Then why have you always been so mean to me?” His face lights up in amusement, then falls again as he tries to gather his answer.
“I want to tell you everything, honestly. I do. I want to explain…” He starts and I watch as he drums his long fingers against his bouncing knee. “I’m trying…trying to…” He pulls his lower lip into his mouth as he looks up towards the ceiling. “This is, I think, the longest I’ve talked to someone, one on one.”
“But…you’ve dated girls before…did you not have conversations with them?” I try to joke and lighten his tension.
“Not really,” He answers tightly before looking away awkwardly. I am confused for a minute and then… oh. Don’t want to think about that right now.
“Well,” I start, trying to steer the conversation to safer ground, “I hope you know that you always have a safe place in me to talk to, and it’s always open.” I smile encouragingly. “Wide open, just for you.”
