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His eyes dart up to mine and widen slightly. I can feel my face get hot.
“Oh gosh, not like that…I just meant, how you…you know…you know what I meant. That was a really weird thing to say, I’m just nervous.” I put my face in my hands and then peek through my fingers at him, and holy crap. He is smiling. And holy crap if it isn’t the most amazing sight I’ve ever seen. “I’ve never seen you smile,” I comment in wonder.
He smiles bigger which makes me smile. “You make me smile.” His teeth are white and straight and perfect.
“Stop, you’re embarrassing me,” I laugh and pretend to hide my blush. He looks at me smirking, amused still. But then he starts to look uncomfortable again. He looks away and I see his brows begin to furrow together. “Where did you go?” I ask.
He looks back. “Hm?”
“You were smiling, you seemed comfortable, but then you pulled away,” I explain. He looks away again, takes a deep breath, and just as he opens his mouth to say something, someone knocks on the door.
“Hm, maybe Ana forgot her keys. We never get any visitors.” I get up and walk to the door. I look through the peephole and my heart sinks; I press my forehead to the door.
Lucas. Crap. I completely forgot about Lucas.
This looks wrong. So wrong. I want to say this looks worse than what it really is, but does it? I invited Decker in to talk. I obviously am feeling something for him that I can’t explain. I didn’t go after him today in a ‘friend’ way at all. I went after him for more, even knowing that I was still involved with Lucas…I’m a terrible person. Deep down I know that being frenemies or even friends isn’t enough when it comes to Decker. Not anymore.
I turn back towards Elliot who looks at me with a questioning look. “I’m so sorry,” I say before opening the door.
Lucas smiles when he sees me, but his smile falters when he sees my face. He is holding flowers in his hand. Flowers. I’m the worst. “Hey, you okay? What’s wrong?”
“Lucas, I’m sorry. This…isn’t what it looks like…but—” Before I can finish he peers around me and sees Decker sitting on the couch with his arms crossed glaring at us. Gosh, why does he always resort to glaring?
Lucas’ hard stare slowly travels from Decker to me. He laughs with no humor. “No feelings for each other, huh?” He asks sarcastically.
“We didn’t…I mean, we don’t. But…I don’t know. We’re trying to figure that out…and I know this makes me look like a liar,” I stumble over my words trying to explain and he scoffs at me, shaking his head.
“It doesn’t make you look like a liar; it makes you a liar,” He says coldly.
“Watch it.” I jump at Decker’s voice, realizing he had walked over here and is now standing behind me. He is standing up for me, protecting me again, but he’s making things look so much worse.
“Nothing to watch man, all yours.” He drops the flowers at my feet and turns to walk back to his car. I step out the door after him.
“Lucas, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you…I’m just a little confused. Everything's happening so fast, and I don’t know what I feel. I liked you so much!” I explain as he keeps walking to his car.
“Liked. Past tense,” He points out.
“I…” I stutter. “I’m so sorry. I was wrong, I handled this poorly. I’m sorry. I know that means nothing to you, but I didn’t mean for you to get hurt.”
“I know, Madeline. I know you’re not a malicious person, I didn’t need more than two weeks to figure that out.” He runs a hand through his short hair and sighs. “It’s just a shitty situation. Be careful with him.” He shakes his head, looking to the side before turning his eyes back to me. “Goodbye, Madeline.” He says seriously before he gets in his car and drives away.
I look to the sky and wonder, how the hell did I get to this point? These last few days feel like they’ve lasted years. I look back towards my apartment. Decker is still there, arms at his side, standing in the doorway. He is looking at me intensely. At first, I think he is glaring at me like he did with Lucas. But it is different. He is looking at me with that insane intensity he always does. I always assumed that it was his hatred for me pouring from his eyes trying to choke me. But I look at him now with a new perspective. It isn’t anger or hatred that I see in his eyes. It is fire. It is longing. Passion. Wanting. Was this what he felt when he looked at me? Have I always been too blind to see it?
While it still didn’t explain why he treated me like crap, I knew there was a lot more to his story than I ever could have imagined. I was going to hold him to his promise to explain, one way or another. I walk slowly back to him.
“I’m so sorry, Madeline. I didn’t mean to ruin your relationship,” He says harshly, sadly. “I never meant…truly, I didn’t…I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone.”
I grab his arm as he starts to walk past me. He stops and I run my hand down his arm, to his hand. I hold his big hand in mine and look down at it. His nails are neat and trimmed and his palms have calluses on them, which makes me wonder how he got those. Baseball? I get lost in holding his hand for a minute before I look up at his face.
I stare at him. This time I stare at him with intensity. I desperately want to know why he is the way he is. I want to know him, to really know him. He looks back at me, waiting for me to make the next move.
“Do you want to come back inside?” I ask. His mouth opens for a second before closing again. He nods, looking relieved.
I end up ordering pizza for us because we both realized we had skipped lunch. I had no appetite at the time and when I asked Decker why he didn’t eat, he mumbled something about studying. I try to make small talk while waiting for the food but it is painfully difficult due to Decker closing up again. Maybe he isn’t being rude when he doesn’t respond to me, but he is just nervous? Uncomfortable?
When the food finally arrives, we bring our drinks and plates to the couch. I put some silly, mindless sitcom on TV while we eat silently.
I keep glancing at the door, both wishing and dreading Ana coming home from work. I know her presence would break up the silence, but it could also interfere with him finally opening up to me. It takes everything in me not to babble or talk for the sake of talking. I’ve always been like that. I hate silence, and awkward silences even more. But this silence feels different. It isn’t completely comfortable, but it also isn’t completely awkward.
