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“Oh, yeah. That makes sense.”
A few more minutes pass by before she finally says, “I’m sorry. This sucks for you just as much for me. I’m sorry that I’m ruining your life too,” Her voice is so quiet, it hurts my chest.
“Madeline, do not apologize. Ever. This is not your fault. This is a crappy and terrible situation, but we’re going to get through it. No matter what the outcome is,” I say firmly. I want to grab her hand, but I don’t .
“Thank you,” She says softly again. “You’re really nice.”
I chuckle. She quickly turns to look at me, surprise all over her face. I’m sure she doesn’t remember all the times I’ve laughed with her, because of her.
“I’ve come a long way, only because of you.” I smile at her. Her mouth quivers and tilts up to the side slightly like she wants to return the smile, but she looks away before she can. I’ll take it.
I turn into our driveway, nervous about what she will think. It’s not nearly as big as her parent’s house. We’ve done a lot of renovations to it together. One of the reasons we picked it was for the chance to fix it up ourselves.
It is an older house—two stories with a big wrap around porch that goes all the way around the house. That was what finalized the decision for her. It was white with black shutters. Mads painted the door sage green after saying the house needed a pop of color. The house isn’t too close to neighbors and it is surrounded on both sides with trees. Mads planted flowers in the front and hung hanging flower pots all around the porch. Remembering I haven’t watered the flowers while she’s been in the hospital, I make a mental note to do that tonight.
I shift the car into park and wait for her to say something. Ana eventually pulls up next to us.
“It’s beautiful,” She finally says, making me smile. I get out of the car and walk around to help her out. Ana beats me to it, so I grab our things from the trunk, and Ana’s bags from her car.
We walk to the front door, and they step aside so I can unlock it. We walk inside and find dozens of flower arrangements, balloons, and small gifts that all have similar messages of ‘get well soon’ on them. Mads’ parents must have come in to arrange them before they left today.
Mads slowly and quietly walks around, clutching her pillow, and looks at everything. She smiles as she looks through some of the gifts. I know she’ll remember some names, but there will also be ones she won’t, like friends from college and her colleagues from work.
She spends a while looking at all of our pictures; the ones framed on end tables, on shelves, and the ones that hang on the walls. I wonder if she remembers she’s always been very into pictures. She looks at the large one that is hung over our couch, the first picture we hung together. It is one from our wedding. We are standing in front of the pond in the park, her head is on my shoulder, she is smiling at the camera, and I am smiling at her.
She slowly lowers herself to the couch and sits quietly.
“Do you need anything?” I ask gently.
“Water, please,” She says in the same quiet voice she uses all the time now.
I quickly walk to the kitchen to get her a glass of water, no ice, how she likes it. I take a few extra minutes to give her some time with Ana. When I walk back in, I can tell she has been crying. She tries to hide her face and discreetly wipe her tears away. My heart breaks, again.
“I’m sorry. It’s just a lot,” She says when I hand her the glass of water. Ana hugs her and strokes her hair. Mads looks at me apologetically.
“It’s okay, please don’t apologize,” I say with what I hope is a steady voice.
“I know we must sound like broken records, pollito, but give yourself time. Please. I know you have this ridiculous need to fix everything and when you can’t, you beat yourself up. Don’t,” Ana consoles her. Mads leans in and whispers something to Ana, who whispers back just as quietly and then Mads nods her head. Ana sighs and looks at me. “Helen left soup in the fridge, let’s warm that up for her, El,” She says as she gets up and walks over to me. She leads us into the kitchen.
“What did she say?” I ask quietly as I open the fridge to look for the soup.
“She asked if she could sleep with me tonight,” Ana answers, and I can read the pity all over her face. More pity.
I take a deep breath and focus on feeding Mads. I pour three bowls of soup to be warmed up in the microwave. “Well, yeah that makes sense. She wouldn’t want to share a bed with the jackass she went to high school with,” I say harshly under my breath.
“Elliot. I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what to say or do to fix this,” Ana says and I can hear her voice waver; she looks like she might cry.
“Me too. I hate feeling so useless,” I respond, watching the soup slowly rotate in the microwave. When the soup is ready, I carefully walk out of the kitchen with Mads’ bowl. She is still sitting on the couch looking at her phone. After the accident, I had to get her a new one, but I was able to transfer all her information. Ana sets up a TV tray in front of her.
“It’s really hot, be careful,” I say as I set it down on the tray. She murmurs a thank you. Ana walks back in with her soup and sits in the armchair, forcing me to take the spot on the couch next to Mads. After getting my own bowl, I sit down carefully. I grab the remote and put on the silly sitcom that Mads watches over and over. I look at her and see her smile.
“I love this show,” She says in a sweet voice. I know, I want to say but I know that would only remind her, once again, that I remember our life together, and she doesn’t.
“Me too,” I say instead and smile at her. We eat in silence, only breaking it to laugh at the show. It takes Mads longer because she is eating one-handed and won’t accept our help. Hearing her laugh makes my heart feel so much better. Once we are done, I gather the bowls and clean up the kitchen. I hear the girls go upstairs, so once I am done, I follow them up.
Ana is putting her stuff in the guest room, Mads following along behind her like a lost puppy. She looks terrified.
“Mads, why don’t you stay with Ana tonight?” Her face falls in silent relief and my heart sinks in silent anguish.
