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“Okay, thank you,” She says quietly and gives me a quick little smile. I smile back at her, say good night, and make my way to our bedroom—alone.
I close the door behind me and sit on the edge of the bed. I hear muffled voices, doors opening and closing as the girls get ready for bed. I’m thankful Ana is here to help make this easier for her.
I look around our room. Mads had me paint the walls a light gray, because she said ‘everything goes with gray and we can easily just change our decor if we want to change things up’. I agreed and painted them gray. I would have painted them lime green if she wanted me to.
I look around at the pictures scattered throughout our room, our little knick-knacks that we’ve collected over the years. She is in everything. She is everything. Every day I wake up with hopes that it will get better. But every night I go to sleep dreading how it could get worse. And it somehow always does.
I take a quick shower before climbing into bed. I turn on my side and look at the small, framed note on my nightstand.
Elliot,
I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.
I love you.
Mads
I’ll never forget reading those words for the first time, in a moment when I so desperately needed them. For a moment, I forget about the situation we are in, and I let myself remember the beginning of our relationship. When she fought hard to pull me out of darkness. When she saved my life.
FIFTEEN
MADELINE, THEN
My heart feels like it is being squeezed. I want to hold his hand, but I don’t want to make things harder or worse for him.
With every truth that is uncovered, I begin to see Decker in a whole new light. I don’t see a bitter and angry jerk. I see a hurt and lonely boy, who had no goodness or light in his life.
“My dad was an alcoholic. He beat the shit-uh…crap out of me. He beat the crap out of my mother,” He says tightly. Every word is filled with pain. “My dad went to prison when I was 10, for assault and battery and…some other charges. My mom died five years later but she had been slowly killing herself with drugs for years. My grandmother took me in then, and I moved in with her. She still lives in Penbrooke.”
My heart breaks with every word he shares with me. I try so hard to hold back my tears and be strong for him. I know this isn’t easy for him to share. “Elliot. I’m so, so sorry,” I say, feeling the weight of everything he just shared. “I wish I could say something better. Something to make this better—”
He stares straight ahead and looks contemplative for a few moments before saying, “They made me hate my name. They…they turned it into a curse. They made it something I hated to hear, dreaded to hear. When they were out of my life…I swore, I never wanted to hear that name again.”
“Which is why you only go by Decker,” I say with realization. “I’m sorry I sometimes call you ‘Elliot’. And I’m even more sorry for mocking you with it at times.”
He is silent for a few minutes. He looks at me finally, and says, “I gave you plenty of reasons to mock me in high school.”
“But still. I’m sorry. Sometimes I don’t even realize I say your first name.”
He thinks for a moment. “It’s different when you say it.” I wait for him to continue, giving him the time he needs to find his words. “When you…say it. It sounds like…hope. Like goodness,” He says before looking away like he is embarrassed. My mouth parts in awe and all I want to do is hug him tight and try to express to him that he is worthy of love and happiness.
So that’s exactly what I do. I get up on my knees on the couch and scoot closer to him, and I hug him around his neck. He doesn’t immediately hug me back, but he doesn’t push me away. Eventually, he wraps his arms around me. He’s careful and gentle, like he doesn’t know what to do with being hugged, and it breaks my heart all over again. We stay like that for a long time. My arms start to hurt but I refuse to be the first to pull away.
We only break apart when I hear the front door open. Ana comes walking through and stops when she sees us, wide eyed and shocked.
“Hey!” I say nervously. “It’s not what it looks like…or maybe it is. I’m not sure yet. We’re trying to figure it out.”
Ana walks slowly over to us. I look at Elliot who is glaring in Ana’s direction. But it doesn’t look angry, it looks nervous…maybe. Glaring might be his default, but now I realize I can see little differences in his expressions.
Ana stops a few feet from the couch. “Well, it’s about damn time,” She says in an exasperated voice before turning and walking back towards the kitchen to get a slice of pizza.
My eyes go wide. I sputter, “Ignore her, she is weird. So weird.”
“Have you met yourself, Maddie?” She jokingly scolds me without looking up. Elliot might be glaring, but I see some amusement. He waits for me to speak.
“Do you get headaches with all of the glaring that you do?” I ask him, half in jest, half seriously. He looks at me and his amused glare turns into a puzzled glare. I shrug my shoulders as if to say, never mind.
“I should go,” He says, standing up abruptly and starting towards the door.
