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I nod at her. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to push you, I just want what is best for you.”
She looks up from her book, her expression softening only slightly. “Thank you. I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry for, Mads.” I smile back tightly at her.
Her work ethic is inspiring but also exhausting at times. She rarely stops. We went on a honeymoon to South Carolina, for only one week, and I had to convince her to take even that. I admire her and love the passion she has for her work, but I worry that she is going to get burnt out.
Later that night I walk by the guest room and hear a bit of her phone conversation with Ana. I feel bad for eavesdropping but desperate times…
“…it’s just so freakin’ awkward, An,” She complains. My heart sinks. “It’s either just silence and neither of us know what to say, or the conversation is so forced that I can’t even handle it. And you know that I can handle all types of conversations!”
There is silence while she listens to whatever Ana is saying.
“I know. I know we need to talk more, but I don’t know what to say, and it’s obvious that he doesn’t know what to say,” She says. She goes silent again, and I quietly walk towards the master room, not able to stomach anymore of her words.
I know that real conversations need to happen. But I’ve never really had to be the one to initiate them. I’m realizing now that I definitely took that aspect of our relationship for granted without realizing it. She would start conversations and was always able to pull all the information out of me, and then she would be there to comfort and encourage me.
I know that I need to be that person for her now, but my fear of making things worse is keeping me from taking those steps.
When I get home one evening in mid-November. She is packing a bag in our room and my heart sinks for a moment.
“Ana invited me for the weekend, it’s her birthday on Sunday. We’re going to go to a spa,” She says. Her face looks brighter than it has in weeks and her cheeks are tinged in the pink that I love so much on her. She looks excited. I have missed seeing those emotions in her. While it makes me a little disappointed that it isn’t me bringing those feelings out in her, I am happy that they are there at all.
“That’s great, Mads. I hope you two have a good time.” I smile before I walk to the bathroom to wash up and change. Throwing sweatpants and a hoodie on, I walk downstairs and see that she is already down here. I meet her in the kitchen where she is filling a mug with coffee.
“Can I help you bring your stuff to your car?” We got her a new car about a month ago. I’m thankful that we have great insurance.
“Sure, thanks,” She says without looking up at me. I walk to the foyer to grab her things and carry them to her car. She follows me out wrapped in her jacket and scarf.
“Text me when you get to Ana’s? Please?”
“Okay,” She says before she climbs in the car. It took a little while for her to even get behind the wheel again. The first time she just drove around the block and came home, visibly shaken. But my girl is the most determined and driven woman I know, and the next day she went a little farther. She took it one day at a time until she was finally comfortable again to drive to either Ana’s place or a coffee shop.
Once she is buckled and starts the car, she looks at me through the window. I smile at her and wave. She returns the wave and drives away, while I stand and watch her until I can no longer see the car.
I miss touching her. We haven’t kissed in months. We haven’t even hugged. There was the occasional hand touching in the weeks following her accident, but that was it.
I just miss her.
I go back inside and sit on the couch. Silence is becoming my new normal. Again.
I had forgotten how loud silence can be. It is deafening. Detracting. Depressing. It is a loud buzzing in my head that I can’t turn off.
At this moment, I almost can’t remember the life that filled our house, it has been so long since I felt it. We would sometimes have silence; but it was always comfortable, comforting. But this new silence is unbearable. Every day that passes in this new reality brings back the memories of neglect from my childhood. I remember not speaking for weeks at a time as a child, and no one would even notice. I feel myself slipping back into that darkness sometimes. The conversations I have with my co-workers and clients used to be full of ease. Now I feel robotic in my interactions with them.
The silence and darkness beckons me like an old friend, and that terrifies me. Maybe I put too much responsibility on Mads for bringing me out of that darkness, and keeping me out. It wasn’t her job to keep me happy or content. It wasn’t fair to rely on her for my healing and well-being.
I’ve always appreciated her and all that she has done in my life. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thanked God for bringing her to me, for her seeing me and loving me despite everything I am.
But dammit, I miss her. I miss her smile. Her laugh. Her infectious joy. Her confidence in who she is as a person. Her confidence in our relationship. Her passion. Her love for me.
I feel her slipping away, heartbreakingly slow and somehow terrifyingly fast at the same time.
I just miss her.
God, I miss her.
I sat in silence all weekend.
