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“Ana, my name is Naomi. It’s so nice to meet you.”
SEVENTY-ONE
NOW, SUMMER
I listen to the playlist completely and I cry the entire time. I look at all the items Hayden kept, over and over again, holding the ring tightly to me as I continue to cry. I mourn his loss, and I mourn the loss of our stolen future together. Then I slowly lower the ring box, placing it gently beside everything else as carefully as I can. I close the lid and hug it close to my chest. I listen to my heart racing, thumping loudly in my ears. It’s not until it’s quieted, slowed down a little, that I set the box—the box of our memories that Hayden lovingly kept and treasured over our years together—on the bed beside me and stand up. I walk out the door and towards my living room. David is sitting on the couch, looking anxious and concerned.
“Are you okay?” he whispers, seeing the answer to that question on my face, which is probably blotchy and swollen from crying, from feeling my heart break all over again. “What can I do?”
I don’t answer. I just keep walking over to him and he catches me as I fall into him, and he holds me together, like he always has.
SEVENTY-TWO
NOW, SUMMER
David holds me all night, only getting up to get me water and to use the bathroom. He doesn’t push or prod, or ask me anything. He knows I’ll share when I’m ready to.
I finally tell him that I’m tired and he starts to pack up his stuff to leave, but I ask him to stay. He looks at me unsure. I see him about to protest. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. I…I don’t want to be alone anymore,” I whisper.
His face falls and he nods his head. He picks me up off of the couch and brings me to my bed. He lays me down then slowly climbs in next to me. When he’s on his side and facing me, I scoot myself closer and his arms wrap around me. I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. I let myself feel safe in his arms. I let myself let go of everything else I’m holding onto right now, and I close my eyes and sleep.
I wake up with David's arms holding my back to his chest. I turn my head to look up at his face and he’s looking down at me. He turns me around to face him, brushing my hair away from my face and then caresses my cheek.
“How are you?” he asks.
I take a breath, “I think…I think I’m going to be okay,” I say, and I finally feel the truth in those words, and however tiny and quiet that truth may be, I know it’s there.
He smiles softly. “I know you will be. I have no doubts in you.”
We stay quiet for a moment. I feel my heart settling in the peace he wraps around me, in the comfort that he brings me.
“The box was full of memories. Keepsakes he kept over our four years together, random things he held on to,” I finally say.
“You don’t have to tell me?—”
I cut him off. “I want to,” I promise him. “I don’t want to carry anything alone anymore.”
David nods, understandingly, affectionately. I continue, “There was a ring.” My voice breaks.
His eyes widen and his mouth parts, “Oh Ana…” His voice sounds completely devastated.
I cry softly, “It was beautiful. It broke my heart to see. Broke it all over again. But it also made me think about the future we could have had. I thought about it all. I mourned it and I was even angry again for just a moment, but then I took the ring off and it felt like I finally put that weight down, the weight I’ve been carrying. Holding on to.”
He listens to me earnestly, his eyes watering. I continue, “I know it’s still going to hurt. I know I’m going to have moments where his loss will hit me all over again. I know I’m never going to be exactly whole or completely healed. But I know, I know I’m going to be okay,” I say, whispering through my tears now. All these damn tears. “I feel like I can almost…feel him…and his happiness, his relief that I’ve set that weight down. Finally.” I look up to David. “Is that stupid?”
He shakes his head. “Not at all, Ana. Not one bit.”
“There is no other way to describe this peace that I feel. I feel sadness. I miss him. My heart feels broken in a way still, but I feel peace. I feel…like me.”
A tear slips down his cheek. I reach up and wipe it away.
“I also found a playlist he made, of songs that kind of made up our relationship. Songs that went from the very beginning to the…to the end.” I choke a bit on that last word. “And I listened to every song. Our soundtrack.”
David’s eyes widen again. “You listened to the music?” I nod, smiling a little. “Ana, that’s huge.”
“I know,” I whisper. “And then I could almost hear him scolding me for cutting music out of my life. Something that was so important to him. To us,” I say with a breathy laugh. “I think it will always hurt at times. But knowing that he would want me to be the happiest I can be, gives me the strength to say; David,” I take his face in my hands, “I want to be all in with you.”
His mouth parts slightly and he lets out a breath. “Ana,” he murmurs reverently. “I’ve been all in since the moment I shook your hand.”
