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“You helped to breathe life back into me, David. You made me believe in love and hope again. Hayden would be so grateful to you, for what you’ve done for me.”
“Ana,” he whispers.
“If there’s anything I learned from my time with Hayden, it’s that we don’t have time. We don’t have all the time in the world. Maybe we were young and foolish for thinking that and living that way, or just silly kids in love. But I don’t want to waste time anymore. I don’t want another day to go by where you don’t know how I feel about you.” I take a deep breath, “I love you.” I hear his short intake of breath and see his eyes grow glassy. The truth of those words and finally allowing myself to not only say them out loud, but to really feel them, give me the courage to keep going, “I love you and you don’t know how much I admire and appreciate you. I don’t want to waste time dancing around what we are anymore.”
David looks at me in shock, in wonder. “Ana, I?—”
“You don’t have to say anything?—”
“Ana, I love you,” he holds my face between his hands, “I’ve loved you for a long time now, and I was just hoping and praying that you would catch up,” he jokes and his eyes get glassy again.
“I’m sorry it took me so long.”
“I wouldn’t change a single thing that happened to get us where we are,” he says. “But I’m so sorry that you had to go through everything you did to get to this point.”
“Me too,” I whisper. “But I’m not going to live in my grief anymore. I’m sure I’ll involuntarily visit it on the tough days. I know it’s going to be with me forever. I’m not going to live in it, but with it. Taking it day by day. Living my life as full as I can, because that’s exactly what Hayden would have wanted.”
“I wish I could have met him,” he admits.
“Me too.” I smile. “You guys would have liked each other I think.” He laughs before he tugs me closer to him and we just lay there, basking in our admissions and letting the joy of this moment seep into every sliver of my healing heart.
SEVENTY-THREE
NOW, SUMMER
Today is two years since Hayden died.
The days leading up to today have been hard. But having David by my side has helped immensely.
As we drive in his car together, the radio playing softly as background noise, I think of the night we went to Maddie and Elliot’s for dinner, the day after I opened Hayden’s box. David and I told them that we are official. They were both overjoyed and Maddie insisted that she was the one that set us up. We rolled our eyes at her in laughter. I brought the box to show Maddie and we cried over everything all over again. She was speechless at the ring, apologizing to me over and over. Heartbroken for me. We cried together and she held me tight. I told her everything I had told David the night before. And I’ll never forget her words when she said, “How lucky you were to be loved so greatly.” She hugged me tight. Then she said, “And how lucky was he to have a love that made him want to keep and remember every single moment with you.”
David and I stayed longer than we meant to, talking and laughing for hours. The four of us. A different four of us. I no longer feel like an empty vessel just temporarily inhabiting the spaces I’m in, but I feel like I’m living again. Like I’m actively participating in my life once more, not to appease others but because I’m thankful to be alive and I’m appreciative of the joy I’m beginning to feel again.
But not just because of David. But because of Naomi, too. And Madeline. And Elliot. Because of my family and my friends. Because each special person in my life helped hold me up when I couldn’t stand on my own, and held my hand on the days where I couldn’t walk by myself. They loved me through my pain and helped me find myself again.
The last few weeks, finding a new rhythm in life with David has been so fun and incredible. It’s been exciting to see how we are starting to fit into each other's everyday lives. If I’m not at his place, he’s at mine. I go to all of his soccer games that I’m able to. He brings me lunch occasionally and we have dinner together almost every night.
We’re not taking a single second for granted.
But today will be a little harder than the rest of my days, because today I’m going to see Hayden’s grave for the first time. I didn’t go to his burial, I never went after the funeral—I couldn’t bear it. David is driving me to the cemetery near Hayden’s parents’ neighborhood where he was laid to rest.
But that’s not where he is. His body may be there, his casket and his headstone, but not him. He’s not here anymore, he’s everywhere. I feel him in the life all around me. I hear him in the songs I can listen to again. I see him in the smiles of my loved ones. I hear him in the laughter I can join in again. He’s in my heart.
He’s all around me.
I feel sadness sometimes when I think about how he’s not here in the way he used to be. I have moments of anger where I just don’t understand why. But for the most part, I’ve come to peace with it—or as much peace someone can have in this situation. I won’t understand, and hopefully one day at the end of my life I will. I hope that I will see him again and I’ll see how happy he is that I didn’t waste my life away, but that I lived. I laughed, and I smiled and I loved.
David holds my hand as he drives. He didn’t want to go with me at first, worried that it was something I should do alone. But I know that I want him with me. When we pull into the parking lot and I go to get out of the car, I ask him to stay there to wait for me. He smiles and agrees.
I get out of the car, holding the flash drive in my hand. I walk through the rows and rows of graves, being careful where I step until I find the one next to a big willow tree. It has fresh flowers resting on top of it. I know that Marion still comes here every day. She was the one who told me how to find it.
I look at that large gray marble stone reading ‘Hayden Charles Albrecht’ with his dates etched below it. Underneath the dates it says ‘Beloved by All’. I close my eyes and the tears once again fall down my face. It’s so fitting. He was truly loved by all. He was beloved.
“Hey, gringo,” I whisper as I smile through my tears. In my heart I can hear his voice saying, ‘Hi, Ana Reyes.’
“I’m sorry it took so long for me to get here,” I say, “I was really messed up for a while. I think a part of me will always be messed up,” I admit. “Without you…without you a part of me will always be missing.”
I look up at the sky. It’s bright today, bright blue with big white clouds. I look back down at his headstone and whisper, “I miss your face like hell.” A breeze blows past me, ruffles my curls a bit and I close my eyes. “I miss you.”
