AllFreeNovel
Share Us
David: Ouch!
Ana: Haha, okay so you don’t like olives. What else are you obviously wrong about?
David: …
Ana: I’m scared
David: I don’t like tres leches
Ana: …
David: I know, that’s the reaction of my entire family
Ana: David…I have no words
David: It’s a texture thing for me! But I like flan…it’s weird, I know
Ana: You like flan but not tres leches?!
David: My favorite is arroz con leche
I still and stare down at his words, my fingers hovering over the letters. I immediately put my phone down as if the cool metal burned my hands.
When you are with someone for so long and then suddenly not, it’s hard not to have triggers that remind you of them. Especially when that person was a part of your everyday life. The first few weeks, every single little and mundane thing reminded me of him. My alarm. The sound of the coffee machine in the morning. My ringtone. The first notes of any song. The tiny bit of static when someone plugs their phone into the car.
We shared our everyday routine acts with each other for almost four years. He was a fixture in my daily life. I didn’t realize how ingrained he was into everything I did until he was gone.
The everyday triggers slowly faded until they no longer made me sick to my stomach with grief. But sometimes the big triggers will still hit me, like a punch in the gut. When I hear one of his many favorite songs—and he had a lot. When I hear one of the many songs he declared ‘our songs’. The buzzing hum of a skateboard on pavement. Anyone who wears black and white checkered skate shoes. Stumbling on a photo of him.
And, arroz con leche. My favorite dessert, that became his favorite dessert, that we often enjoyed eating together.
I look down at my phone, now sitting on my lap. David’s text remains unanswered.
What the hell am I doing? I think.
Am I flirting with him? No, I’m not. Right? I immediately feel sick to my stomach. I feel guilt. And shame. I feel like I’m betraying Hayden’s memory, betraying him.
I run to the bathroom, knowing I’m about to be sick. I make it in time, emptying my stomach of its contents and trying my best to get all of the guilt and pain out while I’m at it. I finish and sit back on my heels and put my head in my hands.
I lost myself for a moment.
It was too easy to forget myself in the conversations with David. It felt effortless. Natural. Normal.
I don’t think I thought about Hayden once today.
That thought makes me nauseous all over again. If I had anything left to throw up, I’m sure I would. But instead, the tears come. I lean back until my butt hits the floor and I rest my elbows on top of my knees, lowering my face into my hands. And I cry.
I didn’t think of Hayden at all today because I was too busy talking to another man. What is wrong with me? I can’t help but feel like I committed this awful act of betrayal.
Hayden has been gone for over a year.
That reminder makes me choke up a sob. There will never be enough time that passes for me to be okay with moving on without him. There will never be a day where I wake up able to live my life okay, knowing he’s not here.
He would want you to be happy, a little voice says in my head.
I shake my head, trying to get those words out. I keep shaking it until I’m almost dizzy. I stop and take a deep breath.
I shove the guilt, the pain, the sadness down. Down, down, down, until it’s at a manageable level. It's deep enough that I can still feel it but it’s not incapacitating. But it’s still there. That’s what matters. I hold on to that guilt, that pain, that sadness because as long as it’s still there then Hayden’s memory stays alive within me. The day I move on from that, the day I let him go, I choke. It’s a day I never want to come.
