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I don’t know how long I stay there, holding on to his body, soaking his face and neck with my tears. But someone tries to pull me away and then I start screaming. I barely know what’s going on, but I do know that if I leave him now I’ll never see his face again. I know that if they take him now, I’ll never see him again. I’ll never feel him again. I scream and I cry and they keep trying to gently remove me. People are trying to reason with me but their words are fuzzy and muffled in my ears.
Then a pair of stronger hands grip my arms and tug me away, forcibly but still gentle. They tug me back and hold me close against a chest. The arms keep me restrained as I try to pull at them and get free. But then a face I recognize comes in focus in front of me.
Maddie.
Her eyes are flooded with tears and her face looks grief-stricken, terrified. I see her mouthing something to me. Her hands come up to my face, wiping my tears and she tries to keep talking to me.
I start to hear her. “Ana,” she's saying. “Ana, we’re here. I’m so sorry.” Her voice breaks. I look behind me and see Elliot holding me, tears running down his stoic face, his eyes trained on me looking heartbroken and helpless. I look back at Maddie.
“He’s gone,” I whisper and I fall back into Elliot, not resisting anymore as Maddie covers me with herself, hugging me closely. Both of them hold me up as I start weeping and they guide me out the door. Whatever was left of my heart crumbles away and falls, scattering on that hospital room floor where Hayden’s body stays.
SIXTY-THREE
THEN, SUMMER, TWO YEARS AGO
I’m in another room.
I don’t remember how I got here.
I don’t know how much time has passed.
I’m sitting in a hard and uncomfortable chair, in a room that’s way too bright.
I don’t remember how I got here, but I remember Elliot and Maddie holding me, and pulling me away from Hayden’s body. They helped me out of the room and towards another waiting room, this one smaller and more private. I cried and cried until I couldn’t breathe as Madeline tried to hold me together with her tiny hands.
Some time has passed but I don’t know how much. And I’m still in the uncomfortable chair in the bright room. Maddie is beside me, holding my hand I think. I don’t really feel it. Elliot is on the other side of me.
I think a lot of time has passed.
And I don’t think I’ve moved much. My back hurts, I realize. And my neck.
After a long time of quiet, a loud noise sounds as the door bangs open and Hayden’s parents rush into the room. They look around, their faces pale and eyes wide. They see me and rush over. I must’ve stood up because now I’m at their eye level. I feel Maddie and Elliot stand up next to me.
“What happened?” Marion cries. I think for a minute.
“We were eating dinner,” I say, feeling so foggy. So heavy. My throat aches, I find it painful to speak. “He…he started saying something—” I swallow as more tears fall down my face. “And he never finished what he was going to say,” I finish, my voice barely audible. I feel Maddie grab my arm and hold it.
There is a small knock on the door frame as a doctor walks inside. She starts talking, and I can see her mouth moving but I don’t hear any words that are coming out. I blink quickly, trying to see her better and I shake my head trying to get my ears to work.
I start picking up bits and pieces of what she is saying. She keeps talking and I look down to the ground. When she mentions a ‘brain aneurysm’ I look back up to her.
“A brain aneurysm?” Marion repeats. Tears mar her beautiful face. Hayden’s dad closes his eyes and tears fall from them.
“They are almost impossible to detect until they’ve ruptured. Most brain aneurysms that haven't ruptured don't cause symptoms. They happen when the wall of the blood vessel in your brain becomes weak and it starts to bulge. The pressure inside the blood vessels causes that weak area to balloon out,” she explains delicately. She mentions terms like ‘subarachnoid hemorrhage’ and ‘stroke’ but I can’t fully absorb any of her words.
“Did he complain of any pain? Headache? Eye pain? Fogginess?” she asks me and I look back to her, trying to find my voice.
I stare at her and finally find my voice, “He had a headache tonight,” I whisper. “A bad headache but h-he took medicine. He…” I try to take a breath but I’m not able to get enough air. “He said he hit his head at the skatepark,” I remember.
Marion turns to me. “Why didn’t you bring him to the doctor? You should have gotten him checked out,” she cries, her face breaking. I look at her, shock fills my chest. “Why didn’t you?—”
“It is extremely rare that a brain aneurysm would develop from hitting your head. My guess is that this has been building for a long time, and unfortunately it’s almost impossible to detect before it’s too late,” the doctor tells Marion.
Marion shakes her head violently, her hands going up to cover her face. She looks up at me.
“You did this,” she says, her finger pointing in my face. My mouth parts and a new wave of tears fill my eyes.
“Don’t you dare,” a deep gruff voice says from beside me. “Don’t you dare blame her for this,” Elliot says, stepping up as if to put himself between me and Hayden’s mom.
