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“You did this,” Marion says and her knees weaken as she starts to collapse, only being held up by Hayden’s dad. Her head falls back against his chest. “You killed my baby,” she cries.
Elliot and Maddie pull me away, guiding me out of the room and down the hall, tucking me between the two of them as if they could shelter me from everything going on around us. Marion’s yells of grief follow after us and are still heard long after we’ve left the hospital. Her cries echo in my ears, in my mind. But Maddie and Elliot still hold me, as if they can protect me from my world that is falling apart around me.
SIXTY-FOUR
NOW, SUMMER
What started as me trying to find the words to begin the story of that night, turned into the floodgates opening and letting everything out. David listened, in quiet horror and heartbreak. Holding my hands when I could barely get the words out. Giving me tissues when I couldn’t see through my tears.
It isn’t until I say, “I can’t anymore,” that David moves over to scoop me up and place me in his lap and he holds me while I cry. I feel him crying with me. I feel him shedding tears for someone he never knew—and will never know—but someone who was once everything to me.
I feel his genuine heartbreak for me. Not pity or sadness that the girl he likes is complaining about her broken past, but pure and sincere pain about my pain.
“I’m so sorry,” he says. “Those words mean very little in the grand scheme of things, but I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you had to experience that, I’m sorry you had to live through that. I’m sorry that you have been carrying this for almost two years,” he finishes and I feel his lips press lightly into the side of my head.
But it might be good for others to help you shoulder that burden, Ana. I remember Naomi’s words.
“I couldn’t even process what had just happened,” I whisper into his chest. “How can someone be there, in front of you, talking about planning a vacation together and then just be gone? He didn’t—” My voice cracks and I feel David hug me a little tighter. “He didn’t even finish his sentence. How can someone be here one second and gone the next?” I ask. “I’ll never understand. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much therapy I continue to go to. No matter how much the therapy has helped me, no matter how much I move on and whatever joy I will eventually find again, I’ll never understand why that had to happen.”
David nods against my head, his arms encasing me. “I wish I had words to give you comfort and peace. I wish I had answers. I hate that awful things happen to good people. All of that ‘everything happens for a reason’ bullshit is just a way for people to try and give comfort to make themselves feel better because what could possibly be the reason for someone young and vibrant and happy, to be taken so suddenly,” David says and I silently cry into him. “Maybe one day we’ll understand. But right now we’re left with all the questions and none of the answers. All of the pain and only momentary peace.”
I turn to look up at him. “That was actually like the perfect words I needed to hear.”
“Yeah?” He smiles down at me. I nod, giving him a small broken smile. “Well I can read your mind, you know,” he jokes gently and I let out a short laugh that turns into a small sob. He holds me even tighter.
“It won't be this hard forever, sweetheart.” My heart warms at that sentiment. I used to think it was a demeaning term, belittling. But coming from David it’s so sincere. It feels like an embrace. “Some days will be easier, but some days will still be hard.”
He moves his hand to hold my face and I look at him, with something starting to bloom in my chest. Something foreign yet familiar. Something new, but not unknown. He says, “But in all of the days, good and bad, easy and hard, I will be here for you.”
SIXTY-FIVE
THEN, SUMMER, TWO YEARS AGO
I lay awake in Maddie’s bed again. Maddie is next to me sleeping, and Elliot is sleeping on the couch. I barely made it through the day—having to endure talks with the police, with Haven, with my parents. Having to keep my eyes open when all I wanted to do was close them. But now when I close them, all I see is Hayden on the floor of our apartment. Not breathing. All I see is Hayden collapsing mid-sentence. All I see is Hayden’s face between my hands, and the eyes that once looked at me with love and tenderness didn’t see me anymore.
I try to feel something, but all I feel is numb. I guess that’s a good thing. Because I know when that numbness wears off that pain and grief is going to come back.
But he’s never coming back.
He’s gone.
He’s dead.
I guess I finally fell asleep because I wake up to sounds coming from outside Maddie and Elliot’s bedroom. Multiple voices. I can’t make out who they all are. But then one voice gets closer and I know who it is. I turn to see my brother walk into the room. His face crumbles when he sees me. He closes the distance as I sit up and he sits next to me and tugs me into his chest, holding me tight. Holding me together.
He whispers, “Ana, lo siento, lo siento, lo siento.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I focus on his words and try to focus on the numbness. The numbness is the safest place to be right now.
José pulls away and says in Spanish, “What can I do? Tell me what to do, how I can help you.”
“He’s gone,” I whisper. His face falls again and he pulls me back to hug me even tighter.
SIXTY-SIX
THEN, SUMMER, 2 YEARS AGO
Marion still won’t look at me, even now when we’re sitting on the same bench in a giant church. Haven is sitting next to me and Maddie is on my other side.
Madeline hasn’t left me alone since they pulled me off of him that night.
