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“Okay.” I smile at him, a small and slightly forced smile. Then I slowly walk into the living room and pick up the box, carefully, like it might break apart if I hold it too tight. I turn and walk into my bedroom and shut the door behind me. I sit on the edge of my bed, take a deep breath, and open the box.
SIXTY-NINE
NOW, SUMMER
I don’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t random objects, envelopes and a flash drive. The first envelope is addressed to me with unfamiliar handwriting.
Ana,
We found this box in the back of Hayden’s closet. I know he would want you to have it. We added the flash drive and this letter. The flash drive has something we pulled off of his phone and computer. You’ll understand when you see what’s on it. But read the other envelope first.
Love, Haven
I suck in a deep breath, setting that letter aside. With shaking hands I open the other envelope.
I unfold the paper and when I see the handwriting I immediately cover my mouth with my hand to hold back the sobs.
Ana Reyes, My Heart,
Happy four years, baby!
I’m actually writing this at our 3 year 11 month mark, but I’m planning ahead. I know, I’m just as shocked as you probably are.
I’m hoping that I’m able to sneak this letter into your work bag so that you can find it first thing when you sit down at your desk.
Crashing into you “four” years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. You turned my life upside down and I haven’t been the same since. You make me better. You made me believe in real, true love. Honestly, love at first sight because the moment I looked into your beautiful brown eyes, I knew I was a goner.
I’ll never be able to properly explain how much I love you, and I don’t think they’ve invented the words to describe that yet.
But I want you to know, that we’re going to have a special evening, (all of our evenings are special, but this one will be extra special) and I can’t wait for you to get home so I can kiss you and woo you.
Te amo, Ana.
Yours forever,
Hayden
I pull the letter away to keep my tears from soaking it. I lay it down in my lap, leaning my head back with my eyes closed as the tears stream down my face. I stay in that position, quietly sobbing for a long time. Then I lower my head and read the letter again and again. And then I touch each word, soaking up the feeling of him writing these words down, feeling the grooves and strokes that his hands left on this paper. He touched this paper.
I wipe at my eyes hastily, and pull the flash drive out, setting that aside for now. Next I pull out a partially ripped piece of paper. The front looks familiar and I recognize it from the pad I used to write orders on when I was a waitress. I turn it over and let out a small breath of air. It is my number written in my handwriting, the paper I gave him at the restaurant with my number on it. He saved this? More tears spill out. I pull out a smaller piece of paper and the sight of his handwriting again sends shockwaves through my chest. The little paper says “Sunrise Thai Kitchen”. It’s the paper I picked for our appetizers on our first date. I pick up the next little paper that says, “McDonalds” and the next that says “BBQ Food Truck” and lastly, “Cheesy Dan’s” and I let out a laugh through my tears.
I pull out a DVD case of a sci-fi movie, the one we watched the first time I stayed over at his dorm. Next is the napkin from the Chinese food place we ordered from that night. I find a few movie ticket stubs from movies we saw over the years, some concert tickets, a little box of matches that I had dared him to steal from a bar once.
He saved everything. Everything from all of our moments together. “Hayden, you absolute weirdo,” I say with a half laugh and half cry.
There’s only a few things left, two of them are small thick cards with each of our names on them. I instantly remember them from the Christmas party for his dad’s company that we went to. And the last thing is a hotel room card—from the night of our first time together.
It’s his box of memories. Every special moment that we shared, he kept a little keepsake of. I can’t believe he never told me. Now that I think about it, I remember him pocketing things here and there but never thought about it twice.
The last thing, besides the flashdrive, is a small black velvet looking box. It makes my heart stop. I pick it up carefully, fingers shaking so bad I can hardly open it. When I see what’s inside, I close it immediately and clutch the box to my chest. I sob, great big heaving sobs where I can barely get enough air in my lungs. I settle myself down enough to open the box again and look at the ring inside. It is a thin white gold band with tiny diamonds that go all the way around. There is a cushion cut sapphire, sitting between two smaller diamonds on each side. It looks vintage, elegant. Timeless.
I stare at it, until I can’t see it through the tears streaming down my face. I wipe my eyes and slip the ring out of the box and place it on my finger.
“I would have said yes,” I whisper to the air around me, to wherever Hayden is, hoping he can hear me. “You know that.” I feel a warmth spread out from my heart and over my whole body. “You knew that.”
I don’t know how long I sit there, but in that time I see what our future could have been. I see it all. I see the ridiculous and over the top wedding we would have had. With both of our families because we would’ve never gotten away with something small and intimate like Maddie and Elliot. I see us traveling the world together. I see him finding artists and bands that he knew were special, and how he would help get their music into the world for others to experience and feel. I see us finding our dream home and then also a vacation home we would go to at least once a year with Maddie and Elliot—all of us taking time away from being adults in the real world to spend time together, like we always used to when things were simple. I see everything we could have had. And it is beautiful. It would have been beautiful.
A future with Hayden would have been everything I never realized I was dreaming of. Everything I never knew I wanted. We would have had a life full of unending love, and incredible adventures, with laughter and joy.
