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I mourn that loss, the loss of what we could have had, all over again. I spend the next few moments clutching my hand to my chest and crying harder than I’ve ever cried before. Maybe with the exception of the night of his death.
When I pull myself together slightly, I slip the ring off and place it back inside its box.
I wipe my face and then reach toward the flash drive laying on my bed. I grab my laptop next to my nightstand and open it up. As I wait for it to turn on, I see a post-it note stuck on one of the napkins. I peel it off and see Haven’s handwriting:
For the flash drive: We found this on his Spotify. I knew you would want to see and hear it.
Love you, Haven.
I plug the flash drive into my laptop and see that there is only one folder, I click on it. In that folder is a document with a link on it. I click on the link and it brings me to a playlist from Hayden’s Spotify. The playlist is called ‘Ana’. I close my eyes.
I haven’t willingly listened to music in almost two years. What kills me is that I can’t even remember the last song I heard. I’m sure it was one he was playing or one he was showing me. But I don’t remember. I open my eyes and look at the songs.
Ana
“You Had Me At Hello” by A Day to Remember
“I’ve Just Seen a Face” by The Beatles
“First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes
“First Date” by Blink 182
“One and Only” by Teitur
“Beige” by Yoke Lore
“Happy Accidents” by Saint Motel
“This Side of Paradise” by Coyote Theory
“You Are Gold” by The National Parks
“Perfect” by Ed Sheeran
“Wake Me” by Bleachers
“Otro Atardecer” by Bad Bunny
“Last Night on Earth” by Green Day
“Something” by The Beatles
“Rayando el Sol” by Maná
“I Will Follow You Into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie
“Space and Time” by S.G. Goodman
“Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart
.
With a deep and shaky breath, I press play on the first song.
SEVENTY
THEN, FALL, TWO YEARS AGO
