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The weight lifted from my chest was like a breath of fresh air when I woke up. I told him. I told Jesse my secret. I still don’t know what this means for us, but the fact that I’m not hiding it anymore makes me smile ear to ear.
The anxiety that I usually feel from the moment my eyes open on any given day, is overshadowed by hope. For the first time in a long time, I dare to believe there might be light at the end of this long dark tunnel that I’ve been consumed by.
The cheer on my face slowly diminishes when I go into Nathan’s kitchen and see that we are one person short. “Morning, sis,” Nathan tells me while he stirs some pancake batter. Callie is standing next to him with sleepy eyes.
“Good morning. No, Jesse?” I ask as casually as possible.
“He had to hurry back to town. Something was going down,” Nathan explains. My heart sinks. Something is going down? What does that mean?
He couldn’t tell me any details about his undercover operation. He told me I wasn’t in danger, but never said that about himself… Suddenly my problems don’t seem that significant when I know he could be out there risking his life for his job.
“Is his job usually dangerous?” I wonder out loud. Callie crunches on a piece of bacon with a smile on her face, watching me. Nathan’s oblivious as I mouth, “What?” To her.
“Depends on what he’s investigating. I’m not technically in his unit so he can’t tell me the details.” Nathan continues pouring pancake batter onto a hot skillet, not at all catching onto Callie and I’s silent conversation. I have to bite my bottom lip to keep from giggling while Callie makes a kissy face and winks at me.
“What?” Nathan asks when he finally catches on to us. We both burst out laughing.
“Nothing. Nothing,” Callie assures him, letting me off the hook. However, after building up the courage to tell Jesse the truth about me last night, I’m feeling brave this morning.
“So, you and Jesse are best friends, right? He’s a good guy?” I watch my brother, waiting for him to analyze what I said. I want a glimpse of an idea about the man who I could let break my heart.
I’m optimistic enough to see where things go with him, especially after he was so understanding last night, but pessimistic enough to assume things will end in disaster.
Regardless, the way I feel around him makes me brazen enough to take a chance. I’ll just let myself enjoy it while it lasts because I think it would be more painful to miss out on it altogether.
“Yeah. He’s a good guy. He’s saved my life on more than one occasion,” he finally answers.
“Mine, too.” Callie chimes in, resting her head on Nathan’s shoulder while he contemplates me. He can see the interest on my face, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
“You trust him though, right?” I ask, subtly. If my brother would go to bat for him, then that means something to me. His trust is earned and hard to come by.
He looks at me closely, hesitating before responding. I can see the wheels turning in his mind. I can only hope he isn’t about to unleash his disappointment on me because I like his friend.
“I’ve done some stupid shit that could have ruined my career, my life, and he has always stuck beside me. He’s put himself on the line for me multiple times, risking his entire career. A career that is everything to him. For him to be willing to give that up…
“Not only do I trust him with my life, I trust him with Callie’s life. Mom’s life. Your life. He is the person that anyone would be lucky to have in their corner. If you’re telling me that you’re into him…” He trails off, contemplating his next words.
“I won’t stand in your way, but I won’t pick sides if it doesn’t work out. He’s a brother to me. I owe him everything,” he says, glancing at Callie. “I’m the only family he has, Thea.”
It’s a clear warning but it sounds like he was giving his blessing… At least that’s the way I’m choosing to hear it.
Regardless, my brother’s words aren’t lost on me. If Jesse is a permanent fixture in my brother’s life, it means he’s also potentially permanent in my life.
He said he would’ve walked away if I had asked him to and I can see why. He is selfless. He’s already stuck his neck out for me by telling me his real identity. I appreciated it before, but it feels more significant now.
He was willing to put his career on the line because he wanted me to know the truth. He could have lost everything if I took it poorly but he risked it because he wanted me to know his real name. The real him.
“Why doesn’t he have a family?”
“It’s not my place to tell, but he’s had a rough go at life,” Nathan says solemnly, feeling for his friend.
“I’m surprised you aren’t being more ‘protective big brother’ on me,” I tease, trying to lighten the topic of conversation and away from Jesse’s misfortune. The thought of him living a hard life leaves a churning in my gut.
“He’s the best guy I know. I would trust him to take care of you more than anyone,” he says meaningfully.
“I don’t need to be taken care of,” I protest.
“I know, I’m sorry,” Nathan raises his hands in defeat before turning back to the stove. “But, maybe he does.”
