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Thea goes quiet, her head resting on my shoulder. She’s deep in thought, and so am I. What she shared with me—that she’s willing to tell me about what was probably the most difficult time of her life.
Has she told anyone else that story?
Still holding her in my arms, I lean back so we’re both lying down, her body nestled against mine. Her muscles relax slightly, and she snuggles into me, draping her arm across my chest. Almost as if she can read my mind, she says, “I haven’t talked about this in fifteen years. Ari knows, but we don’t discuss it. You’re the first person I’ve told that wasn’t there when it happened.”
Oh. I know it’s not the right time to tell her I love her, not now. Not when her feelings are so raw. That’s something for later.
But I want to give Thea the same honesty she’s given me.
So I tell her something I’ve never told anyone else. “I felt guilty, too. When my ex left us, I thought it was my fault. And I felt like I failed Laila.”
“Oh, Ben.”
Her hand is resting over my heart, and I cover it with mine. “When I met Amanda, I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I was only twenty-seven, and I thought marriage was years away. And she seemed to want the same thing.”
“She was a flight attendant, so I didn’t see her a lot. We’d have fun for a weekend, and then she’d be gone for weeks. And that was okay with me. I know that sounds terrible—”
“It doesn’t.” Thea twines her fingers in mine. “You weren’t ready for a relationship. That’s okay.”
“I guess.” The familiar guilt settles over my chest, not as heavy as years ago, but never completely going away. “But then… Amanda told me she was pregnant. It was such a shock. To both of us. And maybe I wasn’t ready for a commitment, but I insisted on one, anyway.”
The memory of that night is still so clear. Amanda not wanting to keep the baby. Me near tears, arguing adamantly that it was my baby, too. “She didn’t want to be a mother yet. She wanted to travel. But I kept at her, promising that we could work it out. That I’d do whatever it took.”
“Ben…”
“She offered to have the baby and sign over full custody to me. But I kept thinking about my parents, my childhood, how great it was. I wanted that for my own child. Two parents. A family. So I pushed Amanda into living with me. Staying.”
Taking a deep breath, I force out the shameful truth. “So it’s my fault, really. After Laila was born, Amanda went right back to work. She went away for two weeks when Laila was only a month old. It was… I didn’t know what I was doing. Diapers, daycare, rashes, all of it… I felt like such a failure.”
“No.” Thea curls into my side, kissing my jaw softly. Her breath whispers across my skin. “You weren’t.”
“After three years of it, I knew it wasn’t working. Amanda was almost never home. I was overwhelmed. Laila was spending way too much time at daycare. It wasn’t… it wasn’t the life I wanted for her. And then one day, Amanda just didn’t come home. I called, texted, reached out to hospitals, her employer… but we weren’t married, so I couldn’t find anything out. For a while, I thought she was dead.”
Thea sucks in a sharp breath and her body tenses against mine. “Ben.”
“She wasn’t, obviously. Two weeks later, she called me. Said she was done. With me, with Laila, with all of it. She wasn’t coming back. Ever. And I was so—”
Emotion thickens my throat. “I was heartbroken for Laila. She was only three, and her mother just left. Even though she didn’t see Amanda much, she would ask about her. Laila was so little. She couldn’t understand.”
“Oh, Ben.” Thea’s voice is thick. A drop of moisture lands on my neck. “I’m so sorry. For you, and for Laila.”
I blink back my own tears. “I felt so damn guilty. Maybe if I hadn’t pushed Amanda, we could have had joint custody, or she might have at least agreed to see Laila. But as it is, the only time I heard from Amanda was when she relinquished her parental rights, and she never even called. Her attorney just sent them over.”
Lifting her head, Thea looks at me, her gaze fierce and angry. “She should have at least said something. Done something. To just leave… No. That’s not right. At all. And you shouldn’t feel guilty, Ben. You were trying to do the right thing for Laila.”
“But I didn’t. I made it worse. And I failed my daughter.”
“No.” Her eyes burn into mine. “Listen to me. You didn’t fail Laila. You have done everything in your power to be a good father to her. Not just good, but incredible. Laila is an amazing little girl and you should be so proud of what you’ve done. Never ashamed, and never guilty.”
I want to believe her.
“I mean it, Ben. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“Ah, Thea.” My heart expands so quickly, I’m breathless from it.
Almost thoughtfully, she adds, “Maybe we both need to remind each other. That it’s not our fault.”
“Sweetheart.” How is she so damn perfect?
