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The waiter takes our order, but I can tell that Harlow is ready to get the information I have. She leans forward, waiting with bated breath as she reaches out and touches my hand. She’s a pretty thing, blonde and petite, just the way I like my women—just like Allison.
Under different circumstances, I would hit on her, maybe fuck her in the bathroom of this restaurant before our main course… definitely before dessert. But I can’t think of her that way. There’s only one woman I want to bend over the bathroom sink and fuck until she screams.
Allison.
“I’m sorry, but I need to know. I can’t stand it,” she blurts out.
Dipping my chin slightly, I clear my throat, my gaze finding hers and holding it for a moment. I’m a gigantic asshole, mainly because I cannot look her in the eyes and tell her the whole truth. I should tell her exactly what happened, but I can’t.
It’s not because I know that she’s going to hate me. It doesn’t have anything to do with me at all, really. It’s because of that shining light, the one that’s just behind her eyes. If I tell her the truth, it’s going to go out.
I can’t be the one who does that, so maybe it is about me after all.
I’ve never tried to pretend I’m not selfish.
I am just that.
I know I am. All the men in my family are. It’s something we become when we give up control of so much of our lives, I think. We become selfish assholes when it comes to women and what we can actually control.
Right now, I’m feeling that lost sense of control, and I want to be really fucking selfish.
“I only saw her once, but past that, I don’t know what happened to her. I’m sorry.”
It’s only a partial lie. She flicks her gaze down to the table, then slowly lifts it to find mine again. She doesn’t believe me. And she shouldn’t. I’m a goddamn selfish liar.
Harlow lifts her hand to wipe a tear away before it rolls down her cheek. I watch as she nods once then clears her throat and takes her hand away, leaning back in her seat.
“I understand,” she whispers, but the way she says it, it’s clear she does not understand. “I was just hoping this would be the lead I need.”
I press my lips together and roll them a few times before I level her with a gaze. “If I’m being honest?” I say, waiting for her to give me all her attention. Those eyes hold mine with that light slightly dimmed, but it’s not out yet. She’s still full of hope. “I would stop where you are.”
“Stop?” she asks.
“Stop searching,” I state.
She blinks, her eyes wide as she watches me. Her lips even widen, but she doesn’t say anything. She’s almost stoic. I open my mouth to apologize. I shouldn’t have said a fucking word. I should have just paid for her meal, taken her back to her place, and walked away.
“For your safety. You’re no good to anyone if you’re dead.”
There is a moment of silence where Harlow continues to stare at me before she slowly rises to her feet. She places her palms flat on the table and leans forward slightly. Wetness shimmers in her gaze, and I expect the tears to fall, but they don’t. Instead, she blinks them back before she speaks.
I am expecting blowback. What I don’t expect is for her to agree with me. “My sister isn’t coming back, is she? And getting myself killed won’t bring her back.”
“It won’t,” I agree.
She sucks in a breath. “Then why do I feel like it’s my job to avenge her? To find her?”
I am not good at this shit. This is my mother’s expertise. So, I clear my throat and stay as calm and collected as I can in my seat as I look directly into her eyes.
“Because you love her.”
“Because I love her,” she whispers.
She turns and walks away from me. I should follow her, make sure she’s okay, but I decide against it. Instead, I watch her, then I lift my glass of whiskey to my lips and take a drink. I stay there for a while, scrolling through my contacts until I find her name.
SUNSHINE
What I don’t do is save her name under Allison, just in case anything ever happens with me, or my phone gets stolen. I don’t want anyone to know her name. To be able to find her. To hurt her.
