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And yet, I want to run away from it all.
No, that’s not true. I don’t want to run away from everything forever, but I do want to hide for a while. Maybe just fifteen or twenty years.
Nothing too radical.
Opening my eyes with a snort, I walk over to the window of my apartment. My view is complete shit, mainly because paying for any kind of decent view isn’t an option for me. This is the cheapest place I could find because my goal was to save for an actual brick-and-mortar store on a busy high-end shopping street. I doubt that will ever happen.
Turning my back to the window, I move around my small apartment, taking it all in and making a final decision for myself. It’s not a decision I’m making lightly, but it’s one that needs to be made.
Inside, I’m in limbo. The rest of me is already out the door, but inside, I don’t want to give this up. This life. This world. Most importantly, this man.
But…
I can’t keep going on like this, and I can’t keep stringing Hendrick along either. Although I’m not sure which one of us is actually stringing the other along at this point. I’m the one in love with him, and he’s the one who will never be in love with me.
He will eventually move on to someone else, someone who his family will provide for him. I know how they work, and I am not the one who will ever be part of that inner circle. I am not as sweet as Parker and Claire. I’m not as virginal as them.
I’m going to miss everything about my life here, except my past.
I won’t miss that.
The affair with a married man. Being kidnapped for a week. Falling in love with a man who will never be able to love me back—again. All things I would not consider a positive ever. However, the one that hurts the most is the last one.
I can live with the fact that I was with a married man. I made a mistake. I got in over my head on that. I was being greedy, is what I was being, a downfall of mine. I can get through the whole kidnapping thing eventually, too. I’m sure of it. But it’s Hendrick. It’s loving someone for the first time in my life, knowing he’ll never love me back. Even if I want to believe that he loves me, I know he can’t. He wouldn’t let himself.
That’s what is really doing me in.
My phone rings, but I don’t even have to look at the screen to know who it is. For someone who could never keep me, who could never love me, he sure calls me a lot, which fucks up my head even more. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I have to make a clean break.
And a clean break leaves me all by myself, which really fucking hurts.
Leaving my cell on the kitchen counter, I move toward the small box I keep beneath my bed. It’s full of all my cash and a few mementos. Things I can look back on when I’m feeling sorry for myself, which I have a feeling will be about five minutes after I walk out the door of my apartment.
Wrapping my fingers around the handle of my rolling suitcase, I take a step, then another, slowly, until I reach the door. The way I’m moving, it’s almost as if I’m waiting for someone to tell me to stop, but there’s nobody else but me here.
Halting, I spin around to take in my place for the last time. I love this apartment. I turned it into half a boutique and half my home. The furniture I painstakingly picked out over the years is just eclectic enough that I don’t look completely insane from the outside looking in. And it was cheap enough that I could afford it.
But I can’t stay here a minute longer.
I can’t watch Hendrick marry some sweet virgin and live happily ever after. I can’t stand to be dumped by him. He’s going to toss me aside and marry some innocent virgin who he doesn’t even know a single thing about other than the fact that her hymen is intact.
Or maybe he’ll want to keep me on the side. After all, he knows I’ve been the mistress before, so why would it matter to me if I did it again? He doesn’t know that it would absolutely kill me, because I am over the top ridiculously in love with him.
I know that’s how his family operates, though, and it should totally disgust me. I should hate him, all of them, for it. But I don’t. I get it. He wants someone who doesn’t have baggage. I would feel the same way if I were running shit the way his family does.
And I’ve got a whole truckload of baggage, especially now.
So, I’ll do what’s best for Hendrick. I’ll walk away.
Staying here, with him, in this apartment, all it’s going to do is drive us crazy. Or maybe it’s me I’m worried about. When he chooses his bride, I don’t know if I’ll be able to sit back quietly and watch it all play out. I will want to fight for him, for us, and I’m going to be the loser.
Especially knowing exactly how he tastes, how he feels moving inside of me. I’m going to want to keep that all for myself. As hypocritical as it might sound, I don’t think I can share him with anyone else.
Shaking my head, I wrap my fingers around the doorknob, turn my back to my apartment, tug the door open, and walk into the hallway. The sounds of the wheels on my luggage moving behind me are deafening. They are life altering.
With each step I take, the sound of the wheels turning makes my heart crack until it’s broken into little, tiny shards. Then the ding of the elevator completely obliterates it, causing my heart to turn into a pile of nothingness in the center of my chest.
I need to leave Dallas, probably even Texas, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to leave the city. This is where I belong. I love it here in this town. These people, this world. It’s mine, and I hate that I’m going to walk away from it all. And Parker. My best friend, my sister. But I can’t stay. I just cannot.
