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“Well, then I need a plan,” I state.
“You need a trusted manager,” Claire states.
“And we would love to help, but when you have that baby, we’ll have just had ours. So, I don’t think that’s a smart choice either,” Parker chimes in.
She’s not wrong, but there is a bite to her tone. She’s still angry with me. I don’t blame her. I am angry with myself, too. I just hope she can forgive me for everything.
Their babies would be brand new, just like mine, and I could never ask either of them for help selling sex toys and expensive lingerie with newborns at home. I’m not sure who I could even hire, but I should probably hold interviews.
“I don’t know how to be a businesswoman,” I whisper.
Admitting the words makes me feel like the failure I am. I couldn’t do any of this without hush money. God, I’m such an asshole. The guilt consumes me, and I wonder if I’ll be able to go eighteen years with this sensation.
I don’t think I can make it.
I feel sick all the time, and I want to blame it on the baby, but I don’t think that’s what it is. I’m sick with guilt.
“Hush,” Parker hisses. “You are going to be great. You already have clientele. This is just a formality, and I think you’re going to have major success.”
Smiling, I take a step forward. “I want this to be a success. I want this to be a way to provide for this baby. Because the reality is that I’m going to do all this alone. And doing it alone means that I can’t always count on child support or whatever.”
Claire’s face softens at my words because she’s raising her teenage brother. Although she has a man at her side, she understands what it takes and how important support is—financial or otherwise.
“So, a manager. I’ll put an ad online.”
Parker, Claire, and I leave the store, and I lock it behind me as we make our way down the street together. We’re going to a restaurant just down the street, so we decide to walk. As we make our way there, something plagues me.
I want to stay friends with them forever, but I don’t think it’s possible. Once the new wife, Hendrick’s wife, is welcomed into the sister-in-law circle, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stomach being with them.
It’s not her. I don’t even know her, and this isn’t her fault at all. It’s listening to stories about him. It’s hearing anything about him. I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with listening about their perfect life, not when I’m so envious that I’ll only be able to see green and nothing else.
Nope, it would not be a good situation at all. So, I’m going to cherish these moments until I can’t stomach them any longer.
Chapter
Seventeen
ALLISON
Tipping my head backward, I look up at the tall building in front of me. I should not be here. What I should be doing is trying to find a store manager. I think I’ll be able to have one employee. It should work out well, and hopefully, by the time I have the baby, I will trust him or her enough to entrust my whole business to them until I come back.
My eye twitches at the thought of someone running my entire business… without me. I want to be in control and in charge of everything. But I also have to realize that to do that, I would have to put everything about my business on hold for at least a year.
That doesn’t work either.
Letting out a sigh, I realize that nothing is going to be perfect, but beyond that, I need to figure out a way to deal with the guilt, the pain, and the absolute disgust I have with myself. I would go somewhere else, but I know that this woman is the only one who will understand my situation.
Moving into the building, I force my feet to take one step and then the next. Heading straight for the elevator banks, I focus on my breathing. I don’t bother looking around. I can only think about one thing and one thing only.
Getting to the doctor’s office and making it inside.
I have to tell her what is happening inside my head because if I don’t, I feel like I am going to spiral. She is the only person who will truly understand it all, too. I can’t just go to anyone. Nobody else would get my situation.
I’ve never been one for psychologists or any of that stuff, but I do see how much she’s helped Parker, and I want that for me, too. I’ve always put on the persona of being strong. I’m loud and funny. I act like I don’t give a shit about anything, but I do.
I give all the shits.
Keeping my head down, when the elevator dings and the doors open, I walk into the hallway. It’s quiet, and I’m glad about that, although nobody would probably even glance at me twice for being here. This is a busy building.
