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“You know,” I say. “I’m curious how you plan to keep me safe without everybody in town realizing you’re sweet for me.”
“Sweet for you?” he asks. His voice is hard, but his eyes are sparkling. “Is that what you think?”
I shrug, fingers still laced behind his neck. “Kinda looks that way from… where I’m being held.”
He carefully sets me down, then points a finger at me. “No accidents. Unless you want me carrying you off to the cabin in front of the entire town.”
My mouth moves before I can stop it. “What if I do?” I ask.
Jesse’s expression hardens. His jaw ticks.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
“We’ve told Caroline already,” he finally says. “She’s going to tell Mia. That’s more than enough damage for one day. Quiet is better. Come on. We should get going.” He heads out the door and waves his hand for me to follow.
I give Caroline a look. She winces and shrugs.
I head outside and let Jesse get the door of his truck for me. I can tell from his body language that I said something wrong.
I keep trying to be careful with my heart, but I can’t help constantly wanting to leap into his arms. I want to close my eyes, trust him to take care of me, and smile. I just want to let go and enjoy this, but I keep having to remind myself what happens when I jump into things without thinking it through.
This time, I’m dealing with a man who very clearly told me he’s not ready for a commitment or a relationship. And what did I do? I convinced myself and him that I’m not either. It sounded reasonable at the time, even to my own ears. I mean, what kind of insane woman wants to jump straight into a relationship right after bailing on her own wedding?
But, what is the point of setting an arbitrary time limit on how long I have to wait to open my heart up again? Sure, everything happening so fast is confusing and a little concerning, but people feel what they feel, right?
I texted my parents this morning and gave them the most detailed explanation I’ve managed yet since the wedding. I knew the text was long overdue, even if I have had a few short, clipped calls with them since getting to Frosty Harbor. They seemed to know better than to pry and I wasn’t ready to open up about it all yet.
After a few back and forth texts with them, I think they actually understand, even if my dad probably wishes I would’ve just gone through with it and kept things simple. He’s a “simple is better” kind of guy.
I sigh and lay my head against the window, watching Frosty Harbor creep by. Jesse’s having to drive slowly because the snow on the roads melted yesterday and iced over last night. The whole town is a frozen wonderland. Everywhere I look, there’s a healthy mixture of tourists in big winter clothes waddling around from store to store. There are the locals, usually obvious because they aren’t dressed like it’s Antarctica. Some of them are just wearing light jackets and jeans.
“Sorry,” I say, still keeping my focus on the window. “I didn’t mean to freak you out back there.”
“What? You didn’t freak me out.”
I roll my head to the other side, studying his profile. It’s quite the profile. Everything about him is this perfect meeting place between sharp and graceful. The nose, the chin, the full lips. The long lashes. I watch the muscles in his forearms rolling and tightening as he grips the wheel. “You seemed a little freaked out.”
He lets out a breath. “I don’t want you to have the wrong idea. That’s all.”
“The wrong idea?” I ask. I pause. I know what the “cool girl” thing to say would be. I’d shrug and tell him it was fine, that I was super chill. Super casual, dude. But I know that’s not me, and I can’t keep the words in. “Would thinking you like me for more than casual sex be the wrong idea? Because that’s the only one I can think of getting. And if it’s true, then what’s the harm?” My heart is pounding after I speak and I feel breathless.
He clenches his jaw again, eyes on the road. “This is the kind of thing I wanted to avoid. It’s the whole point of casual. Casual isn’t messy, Andi. It’s simple. It’s real fucking simple.” His tone is tight and I have to admit it stings a little. I feel like he’s scolding me, and I also know I probably deserve it. He made the conditions of this situation perfectly clear. I’m the one trying to get around the rules.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
He lets out a heavy breath, then reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Don’t be sorry. I’m not… mad. I’m just trying not to fuck this up.”
I narrow my eyes. I feel like I’ve already pushed my luck a little too much being needy for one car ride. I decide to keep my mouth shut and let him talk if he has more to say.
He licks his lips, shaking his head. “I’ve enjoyed all of this. Us. And I haven’t just enjoyed the physical stuff. You’re kind of awesome, Andi.”
I grin. “Thank you.”
“And that’s the problem.”
