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What had we done?
TWENTY-TWO
NYX
After leaving Zaria’s rooms, I walked around the palace aimlessly, feeling purposeless—something I had not felt since my father died.
I could not believe I had just crossed that line. I wanted her more than I could admit, even to myself. But this was bigger than my wants and needs.
Every minute I didn’t have a functional ryder, I was allowing more flyers to fall to the Vestar. Their deaths sat on my shoulders. I felt every loss to my soul and knew I’d be weighed and measured for the failures in the afterlife. Even if it wasn’t by the Goddess, it would be by my father, which meant I had to get Zaria up to speed with her training to take command. But I also knew it wasn’t right to force it. No one learned well that way. I knew I was the issue, but I couldn’t figure out how to stop being the damn problem and become the solution.
“Why are you pacing the halls like a kicked puppy?” My brother slipped into my head.
“Why are you awake?” I closed my eyes to enter his mind, finding him flying over the outer walls of the city on guard duty.
“As you can see…”
“I’ll join you.” I ditched my clothes on the nearest landing platform and took to the skies, flying north to the edge of the city.
Kol didn’t change directions, knowing I’d catch up soon enough. We circled each other, riding the thermal lift to take us higher. We came out on top of the clouds. The moon was nearly full, making the tops of the clouds illuminate with the bright reflection. They shone on my brother’s oil-slicked scales, emphasizing the purples and turquoises mixed into his coloring.
“You didn’t answer me about the pacing. What happened?”
“Do you really want to hear about it?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because she’s your new best friend.”
“You’re my brother. You will always be half of my soul.” Kol’s mind voice carried more hurt than spoken words ever would.
“It feels like there is distance between us,” I replied at length, not sure I could even describe how it felt. We’d always been close. I didn’t want anything to drive a wedge into that.
“I thought you were giving me space so Zaria had a friend.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing moment to moment. I know she can’t stand me, and I know that’s my fault, but I can’t seem to stop myself pushing her when I know it’s the wrong move.” I heard Kiera’s words playing in repeat. “Kiera says I’m acting like father.”
“Ouch!” Kol laughed. “But she’s right—you are,” he added, not even trying to refute it or save my feelings.”
Hearing him agree hurt, but I had known he would, and I deserved it. “I want to stop being an asshole, but how do I let up when fae are dying? I don’t know what to do or to say to her. We seem to either be at each other’s throats or all over each other.”
Kol’s gaze burned into the side of my face.
“What?” I asked.
“Get on the fucking ground and explain yourself.”
I dove, only spreading my wings when I was just above the ground to shift and land in a crouch.
Kol was on my tail, the beat of his massive wings blowing the waist-high grass around us before he landed an arms-length from me.
“Explain yourself,” he demanded as soon as he straightened.
“Did we have to be on the ground to do this?” I asked, setting my hands on my bare hips.
“Yes, because I want to look into your eyes when you tell me something happened between you two and I’m just hearing about it.”
“So you can punch me, more like.” I huffed.
