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Am I still just a friend to her? Afriend with benefits? A replacement dick for that douche Dave?
A ball of fury tightens in mystomach and starts spinning, getting bigger and bigger, whenever Irealize how helpless, how at her mercy I actually am.
Just wake her up and talk toher.
I can’t. What if everything endsbecause I had to talk, because I couldn’t bear not knowing andpushed her into things too soon?
I love her so much I think Iactually might hate her. I hate this pathetic worm I am around her,so needy for her, and I hate her for dismissing me.
Roxie doesn’t dismiss you.She’s not your fucking mother.
My throat tightens, my eyes itchand burn. I blink fast because I refuse to let myself well up.There’s so much emotion surging within me, so much tenderness mixedwith need and shame and despair. I close my eyes and try to steadymy breath, inhaling slowly through the nose. I end up feelingwinded even though I am still in bed, next to a sleeping Roxie.
I reach out and push a strand ofhair off Roxie’s back. She stirs and turns to face me, half-asleep,and then she smiles.
Her face breaks me out of thespiral of self-loathing, and I pull her to my chest. She tucks herhead beneath my chin, drapes herself over me, and closes her eyes.I wrap one arm around her and tuck the other one behind myhead.
“You’re up early,” shemumbles.
“Mm-hmm,” I say as I stroke herhair. I can feel the anxiety dissipating at the contact.
She places her palm on my chest.“Your heart’s beating really fast. You okay?”
“Yeah.” I kiss the top of her headand she holds me tighter. We stay like that for a few minutes.
“You wanna hang out today?” sheasks, almost tentatively.
“Yeah.”
“Good. Because I have an idea. Iwill step outside to the bathroom for a minute, then I come backand we fuck, and after that we put on our running shoes and go tothe park, and afterwards I take you out and buy you lunch. How doesthat sound?”
I smile. “That’s the best planI’ve ever heard in my life.”
“Excellent,” she says, then peelsherself off me and gets up. She turns around to face me, her fingerup because she means business. “You stay right there. Don’t move!”I feel such a pull toward her, a clenching in my gut and throat,and I want to say Don’t go, come back to bed, let’s never leavethis bed. But obviously I don’t say any of it, because thatwould be insane.
I hear the toilet, then thefaucet, and the sound of her brushing her teeth. Before I know it,she’s back and kneeling on her side of the bed. I move toward herand place my hands on her waist.
She reaches behind her and opensher nightstand to pull out a box of condoms.
“Shit,” she says. “It’sempty.”
My heart sinks. “I think I stillmight have one or two in my pants…”
She shakes her head. “No. Look.I’ve been meaning to bring this up, so this is as good a time asany.”
“What?”
“We’ve been fucking for a fewmonths now. I get tested regularly, so I know I’m clean of STDs,and I’m pretty sure you are, too.”
“I am. I hadn’t been with anyonefor months before I moved here. And only with you since.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“Okay,” I say as I sit up.
“Because I have an IUD. Have hadit awhile now. So in terms of pregnancy we’re okay.”
“So, what are you saying?”
