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I leave and slam the door behindme.
****
I don’t even try to text herbecause I know she won’t respond. That’s if she hasn’t alreadyblocked me.
I can’t say Dave didn’t warnme.
What the fuck did I do? I let himget to me, let him get in my head.
She told me how things were, and Ikept pushing and pushing—
I can’t believe that this thingbetween you and me means something when you can sleep with peoplefor years and still have it mean nothing.
That’s the thing, isn’t it? Thefact I don’t believe what we have is real. I latch onto everymanipulative hint that my fear is true, that this thing betweenRoxie and me is just bullshit.
I know her friends. She knows myfamily, and I was supposed to meet hers.
But I never told her how I felt.Never gave her a chance to tell me how she felt. We’ve been wrappedup in each other, but we never talked.
Has she ever given me anyindication she isn’t serious about me? No. She treats me withkindness and affection, and she always makes time for me.
How could I imply she’s seeingsomeone else? When would she even do that? We are together all thetime.
I am such an asshole.
I went there and started a fight.Why?
Did I want to sabotage what wehave? Did I want it to end?
You wanted her to reject youbecause rejection is all you’re comfortable with.
You kept waiting for the othershoe to drop, and when it didn’t, you forced it to drop.
My throat closes with a surge ofemotion.
I broke us. I’m the one who brokeus.
I have to apologize, even though Ihave no idea what I should say to make things better.
So I send a simple text:
I’m really sorry
I don’t expect a response, and Idon’t receive one.
****
It’s two days later, and I missRoxie like crazy. I can’t focus on anything else.
I send a few feeler texts.
I’m sorry
I really miss seeing you
I hope you’re OK
Can we please talk?
