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No response. She might haveblocked me. She probably blocked me. Not that I didn’t expect it.Or deserve it.
The thing with Roxie is, if shewants you out of her life, she will keep you out. I was part of theinner circle, and I blew it. Again.
I shamed her for her past insteadof figuring out what I wanted—what I needed—from her, andletting her know.
I am such a child. A needy, smallchild.
No wonder she doesn’t wantanything to do with me. I don’t want anything to do with me,either.
****
I finally gather the courage to goknock on Roxie’s door. It’s late enough in the evening that she’llprobably be home, but not late enough that she’ll be asleep.
I knock twice. When I hearfootsteps, I brace myself.
The person opening the dooris—
Joe.
“What are you doing here?” Iask.
“I’m here to change the litter boxand feed the cats,” he says. “Roxie has been staying with us since… you two had that fight.”
At least she didn’t go and fuckRick right away.
What the hell is wrong with me?Why would that be the first thing I think?
And the realization hits me thatI’m not ready to fix whatever it is that needs fixing here. Runninginto Joe is a blessing.
“You’re here to change the litterbox and feed the cats,” I repeat stupidly.
He rolls his eyes. “You sound likeyour brain is broken. Come on in.”
It’s so strange to be in Roxie’sapartment without her there.
“When we used to live where youdo,” Joe says, “it was easy for Liz to stop by for the cats whenRoxie needed to be away. Now we live farther out… And Liz shouldn’thandle cat poop because she’s pregnant. Toxoplasmosis. So here Iam.”
“How’s Roxie doing?” I ask.
“Not great. I don’t know whatexactly happened between you two, but I can’t remember seeing herthis broken up about anyone, ever. You really did a number onher.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What the hell did you do?”
I sigh. “Honestly, I don’t knowwhat came over me. But it’s been bubbling up… Then I ran into oneof the dudes she used to see, and he got in my head, and I justflipped out. I watched myself pull out a stick of dynamite andlight a match. I don’t know if I wanted to hurt her or if I wantedto blow everything up. I think some of both.”
Joe listens intently.
“But the worst part is thatneither of these things is what I really want. I’m crazy about her.But in that moment, while we talked, that part of me was silent.All I could hear was the part of me that wanted to shame her forher past and let the whole world burn.”
Joe shakes his head. “I thoughtyou’d be good for Roxie, but this is bullshit, man. You’ve gotissues. Serious issues.”
“I know I do. I finally realizethat. I need to get this fixed.”
He looks at me and sighs. “I’lltext you some phone numbers, okay? You have to go talk to someone.Right away. You need to take care of your shit soon if you everwant to get close to Roxie again.”
I nod.
