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"So you weren't a dream," I say, mostly to myself, unbelieving.
"I could say the same about you." He runs his fingers down my cheekbone, a trail of goosebumps forming on my arms in its wake.
I'm not sure how much I drank the previous night, as details come back to me in bits and pieces. I remember Tomas crawling into bed with me and staying until I fell asleep. I remember the FaceTime that led to him coming back. Once he told me Nathan was outside of the apartment, I really didn't want to be alone. Rationality pointed to Matt being with Mia and I knew Lex was still here, but it wasn't the same.
Tomas returned at my beck and call, and I had the balls to tell him he was only supposed to be under the guise of sex.My God, how I fucked this one up.
"About last night," I begin awkwardly, half hoping he cuts me off. Instead, he stares at me, a portrait of neutrality, waiting for me to continue.
I clear my throat, attempting to get the lump out of the back of my throat.
"I didn't mean what I said."
He doesn't respond, just stares at anywhere but my gaze, a sign of the hurt I unnecessarily inflicted. I could have just kept my fucking mouth shut and let him take me out.
Finally, he opens his mouth, gritting his teeth. "You're doing it again."
"Doing what again?"
"Saying and doing what you think people want from you. You don't need to spare my feelings. I was drinking last night too. It was wrong of me to put that kind of pressure on you. You're right anyway. There's too much at stake and it's too messy to work between us." This time, his brown eyes don't flinch. There's no hint of adoration or the tenderness that was there the previous night, just steel and caution.
If he's saying what I know to be true, why does it hurt so fucking bad?
I sit up, half-nauseous, half-relieved that this isn't going to complicate things further.
"But once I leave here today, this needs to end. We shouldn't see each other at the gym or outside of class. We certainly can't hook up. There's still a high probability Nathan is going to report this to your dad and we'll have to run damage control. Staying professional and away from each other can only benefit us at this point."
I nod, but it's just for show. I don't want it. Need it, maybe, but want it? Absolutely not. I couldn’t live with myself if he loses his job, his promise of tenure, and everything he’s worked so hard to build for himself because of me. It’s easier to convince us both that he’s better off without me.
"See you in class, Professor DeLuca." I shrug on my robe and turn on my heel so he can't see the tears welling in my eyes.
I don't wait for his reply. I rush out into the hallway, desperate to put as much distance between the two of us as feasible. He's seen enough of my vulnerability. I don't want him to see this too. Instantly, Lex is next to me, stride-for-stride, as I head towards the shower.
"I thought he went home last night." There's an inquisitive note in her tone, but she doesn't pry.
"He did. He came back because Nathan saw him as he was leaving." A tear spills free, and I try to wipe it before Lex notices.
"That fucker who makes the lewd comments?"
"Yep."
"Fuck, your dad is going to kill you." She grimaces on my behalf.
"Don't remind me. He has a picture, too."
"Did you get laid at least?"
"I'm surprised you didn't hear it." I give her a sidelong glance and can't help the smile that spreads across my lips.
"Oh, fuck." She looks like she just found out she won the goddamn lottery.
"He ate me out for what had to have been an hour and a half, scout's honor."
"Jesus Christ. You lucky bitch." Lex gasps.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I saw him last night after what had to have been the fourth orgasm."
"So, if that was your night, why are you crying and desperate to get away from him?"
