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NO BUT I WANT YOU TO KISS ME!
He lets go of my hand, and I can't help but feel the pleasant burn from his touch.
“It’s okay if you haven’t. And it’s none of my business, really.” I don't know what he's trying to get at. Is it a genuine question? Is he just trying to kill time? But why can't I stop thinking about his touch still lingering on my wrist?
“No, I haven’t. But Jax, what if there's something I want to tell you, but I don’t know how to say it?” My mouth is moving before my mind can catch up, knowing that if I don't spit it out, I might not have the chance. I can quite literally hear the ticking of the clock passing the minutes by.
Though, that's just my nerves showing face.
“Then you can wait until you do know how to say it," he tells me, and I feel at ease in his words. I always have.
It's one of the reasons why I love him so much. He's always made me feel like it's on my time or no time at all. But right now, I don't truly have that luxury on my hands as time is running out.
I brace myself for the move I'm about to make. There's no turning back now. I lean up slightly on my tiptoes, I can almost feel us touching as I take a deep breath.
I'm going to kiss him. I really am going to kiss-
“Holli, what are you doing?” Jax asks as he holds up his hands between us, snapping me out of my attempt to share my secret, or more so to act on it.
Shame flushes through my system, washing all of my built-up adrenaline and courage with it. Completely stripping me of all of my confidence, seeing the look of confusion—or is that confliction?—in his eyes.
“I just- I…” I fight back tears in my eyes as I settle myself flat on the ground below me. Suddenly, the heat of the moment melts into a sweltering wave of embarrassment and I feel like I can't breathe.
He doesn't feel that way about me, of course. How could I be so silly to think otherwise?
"Hollis, you don’t have to do that," he says, only furthering how stupid I feel. He must think I'm so childish, so stupid for wanting to actually kiss him.
Discomfort throbs in my chest.
Pain curls in my heart.
Dejection dances in my soul.
Devastation swirls in my eyes.
Loneliness creates holes where there were none.
Everything feels so overwhelming as my brain tries to wrap around the feelings that my body is forcing me to feel.
He'll practically be an adult tomorrow. Why would he want anything to do with me? Not to mention, he's leaving tomorrow for college.For freaking college. What kind of college kid dates a freshman in high school, and long distance at that?
What the hell was I thinking?
And why did I feel pity for myself?
Herejectedme.
He said he'd always be there for me and he's pushing me away.
Suddenly, embarrassment disappears and is replaced with a shock of anger and hatred. Or at least that’s how I manifest that destroying feeling of heartbreak that is shattering the ground below me right now.
I can't believe he would do this to me.
“You don't have to do that.”
Well, no shit Jax. But Iwantedto, and you didn't even let me tell you why.
Who does he think he is, embarrassing me like that?
