AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He said he wanted to talk, what happened to that? And now he’s just taking from me, again. He’s always fucking taking shit from me.
I brace myself against the door, and attempt to ground my feet only to realize that I’m relying on him for support—the kiss is really fucking good—and I place my palms against his chest to push him away from me.
The kiss is broken with sloppy POP, and he stares at me, rubbing his fingers over his lips.
“Hollis,” he tails off.
“No,” I say. Turning my back to him, trying to hide the craving for more that I’m feeling and instead trying to manifest it into anger.
“You started this,” he whispers, and I can hear the way the disappointment laces his tone. He wasn’t accusing me of anything, he was letting me know that he thought I wanted the same thing he wanted.
And I do. I mean, I did. Or…I don’t even fucking know.
But I know that no matter what I do or don’t want, I can’t decide anything right here with his kiss claiming my lips in the devastating way it did and the fog of the party behind us. My head spins a million different ways and my heart hammers like a chaotic thunderstorm in my chest.
It’s too fucking much.
I need to get away from him, from here. I can feel the panic attack rising, and I can’t let that happen.
“You need to leave, Jaxon,” I state grimly. I turn back around, giving him eye contact—which I know is not a good idea—to let him know the seriousness of the matter. I feel like my chest is tightening and my lungs are about to give out. I’m squeezing my fingernails into my palms to try and relocate the pain and the attention to anywhere other than what I’m feeling in my head right now.
“I don’t want to leave. I’m sorry I keep kissing you, Hollis. But I need you to know how badly I want this. I really wanted to talk to you-”
I tune him out. I’m about to explode. Because there’s no way he’s going to want me when he learns how fucked up I am, how screwed in the head I’ve been. And when he realizes that it’s mostly because of him, it’s not going to end well for either of us.
I can’t move on from that, and I can’t listen to any of this right now.
“Jax, I promise I will talk to you another day, but I really need you to hear me out. You. Have. To. Leave.”
I’m squeezing my fists so hard that I feel like I might break skin. I’m trying so hard to control my breathing, and I know I could probably just turn around and leave myself but I don’t need anyone else seeing me worked up like this.
“Why are you doing this? Please don’t fucking do this to me again, Hollis, please. I don’t think I can deal with it.” I hear the dejection in his voice, I see the storm clouding his perfect blue eyes, graying them with sadness. I see that he really doesn’t want to leave, that if he has to walk out that door, he might actually break.
But I’m already broken, and I can’t even think of trying to fix someone else when I don’t even know how to fix myself.
“Please,” I say sternly as the air mixes with notes of heartbreak, confusion, anger, and desire.
Heartbreak from watching the way in which I’ve strung this man along tonight, seeing the sadness swell in his eyes as I lead him on just to turn him down.
Confusion from the mixed signals we’ve both been giving and probably have been for years, considering what he’s trying to tell me now, but I can’t hear him out because my pain stems deeper than either of us can comprehend.
Anger because he keeps taking things from me that aren’t his and I’m pissed at myself for allowing a single person to have so much power over me.
Desire to feel what I so desperately want to feel without hiding behind the curtain that stores the boxes of painful memories.
I just want it all to stop. I need it all to go away for a few fucking minutes so I can breathe.
“Hollis, if you really want me to leave. I will. But I can’t guarantee that I will let you do this to me again.” He finally straightens his posture, claiming the path to the part of him that is more angry than upset.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I ask, trying not to let him intimidate me.
“It means, if I have to walk out that door without you, I'm leaving. And I won’t be coming back again.”
“Jax, don’t be so dram-” but before I have time to finish my sentence or process my thoughts, Jax reaches for the door behind me. He unlocks it, opens it, which pushes me aside, and walks out into the hall.
The voices aren’t so muffled anymore and the realization of where we are hits me again. I watch him as he disappears into the crowd of people who are oblivious to what went on in here.
I finally got what I wanted…he left. So why does it feel like I just got kicked in the teeth? Why does it feel like my soul really did leave my body and my heart was stolen from me?
