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“You,” he whispers and my heart jumps in my chest. “But I knew it would have been a dick move to drop that kind of bomb on you and still leave. I seriously thought I was protecting you, saving you from heartbreak that I assumed would be inevitable. I didn’t know that-”
“That I also wanted you.” I finish his sentence and our eyes clash in a heated gaze of passion that was hidden by an extremely painful misunderstanding.
All this time.
He reaches up my arms a little further and his fingers swipe against my wrist. On instinct, I pull it back, realizing that I was reacting to something I am keeping from him.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, panicked, seeing the slight twist of horror on my face.
Fuck. I’m not used to foreign fingers rubbing against the faded lines of my demise; to feel his rough fingers roll over them. I know he has no idea that they’re there, but he knows something is wrong because he’s looking at me like I just smacked him in the face.
“Nothing, sorry. You shocked me,” I lie. I mentally curse myself because I don’t like lying and I know it’s not right, but I can’t tell him that I flinched because his fingers touched my scars.
“No, something happened just now.” His eyes look accusatory and rightfully so. But I’m suddenly feeling a little anxious considering I’m still naked under this blanket and I don’t want to talk about my self-inflicted pain.
It wasn’t much, but it was enough to cause permanent damage.
“Jax, it was nothing. I just reacted. Just drop it.” I pull the blankets up a bit more in an attempt to hide the nerves that rattle me and I try not to let my voice sound too defensive or angry. The last thing we need tonight is another argument.
“Hollis, how are we supposed to navigate this if we can’t be truthful with each other?” he says as he watches me digress.
I don’twantto go backwards. That’s the last thing I want to do, but there are so many things that factor into us moving forward and it’s going to take a lot out of both of us to make sure that we don’t hurt each other the way we already have.
“What isthisanyways?” I question out loud because I know it needs to be talked about.
“I guess I don’t really know. But I know I am not going to let you close yourself off to me again. So we better figure it out because I need us to be on the same page here.” Jax stands from the bed and walks toward his dresser. He rests his elbow on the furniture and I can tell he’s trying to be understanding but it’s stressing him out. I don’t want to be a burden to him.
“I just feel like after so long, things aren’t the same between us.” I flatten the comforter down in front of me to try and lighten the air around us, it’s a playful gesture and his head turns slightly back toward me. I wasn’t done speaking but I guess what I said kind of pissed him off which was not my goal.
“Well, no shit, Holli, but we’re older and more mature and I would hope that we can handle this like adults. Sure, we’ve got a lot of shit to try and sort out. And we obviously have a sexual attraction to each other that I know I want to keep exploring. But if you want to know where I stand with this, it’s that I want more.” He doesn’t waver in the sureness of his words, his hands tucked into the pockets of his sweatpants. I feel a wave of emotion wash over me and I feel my heart beating in tandem with my breathing. “I want this with you and I don’t want to let anything come between us.”
“You…” I swallow a sob. “You called me Holli.” I don’t know why it hit me so hard. I practically threatened him when he tried to call me by the nickname a few months ago. It brought up a pain I needed to keep down but now, it feels like finding my way back home.
He cracks a sweet smile at me and allows me to feel the overflowing emotion that comes with the memories we’ve shared. Just the good ones.
“I did. And correction, I don’t justwantmore, Ineedmore. I have wasted so much time trying to move on from the thought of us ever finding our way into a more intimate relationship, and then I had to forget about our friendship too. But coming back and seeing you and hearing you and learning more and more about the new you, it was still so fucking easy for me to fall back into never wanting to let you go. But I can’t be the only one to feel that way if I have any chance of making this work. You’re gonna have to want those things too. I’m willing to move at the pace you need me to, but you have to understand my end game and it’s you.” He leans down on the bed, only his palms holding him up. He’s not too close to me as I stay put in the center by his headboard. But he gives me the most intense eye contact to let me know he needs me to hear his next words.
“I don’t wanna play games, we need to be honest and truthful with each other and my top priority is making sure that you never feel the way you did while I was gone, ever again. I want to focus on what I can do to help you progress and get stronger. I know I am the root cause of your mental stresses and everything else you battled through, Hollis. But I promise you, I can be the fucking cure as well. You just have to let me in.”
My breath catches in my throat, or maybe it’s tears that I have to hold back. I can’t believe that this is who I let walk away from me. I can’t believe that I was so stupid for pushing him further and further from me. He’s here now and he’s trying his hardest to get me to open up and let him in.
Jax crawls forward on the bed and takes up the space between us. I stay seated with my legs crossed under the comforter—it’s pulled up to my chest as my arms hold it into place and my hands lay in my lap over it. His nose almost touches mine but instead he leans in closer and places his mouth near my ear.
“Tell me you can’t feel this. Tell me that you don’t feel this between us.” He kisses my cheek before pulling away and keeping his distance only a few inches in front of my face, still leaning on his hand and knees.
“Of course I feel it, Jax. I just-”
“I know.” He dips his head. “You worked so hard to forget about me because I ruined your life and your brain got too tired of holding all of your negative thoughts, so instead, it misled you to believe that you weren't good enough for anything else in the aftermath. But that’s not true, Hollis, and I’m here to tell you that I can and will fix it.” He lifts a hand to brush his knuckles against my cheek. “Whatever you want me to do, I will fucking do it. You want us to be just friends for a bit, I can do that. You want me to take you out on dates every weekend, I’ve got you. You want me to talk to you about every day I spent away from you and how it negatively impacted me? Done. But you’ve come so far already, it’ll just be like us giving this a shot. You and me.”
A tear falls down my cheek. His words are so fucking nice to hear. It’s what I’ve missed this whole time. His support and his comfort. He always looked out for me, and this is what I needed the most. This is why life got hard and I felt like I wasn’t good enough because the one person who kept me going, left.
“I don’t want to go another year, or month, or a single fucking day not knowing whether or not you forgive me and whether or not we can build something out of this,” he adds as he leans again to press a kiss to my forehead this time.
“I never imagined you’d be here, or that I’d be here with you. I just told myself that I had to delete you from my life and even if I did want to reach out and reverse the damage I’d caused, it was too late. But I did almost call you. I was missing you so much that I unblocked your number and attempted to dial you. I was at a party and something triggered and all I could think–” I take a second to collect my thoughts and take a breath, I know I’m starting to work myself up and though Jax is listening as intently as he can, I don’t want to go too far off track.
“I figured you were probably having the time of your life and I had already suffered so much that I just decided there wouldn’t ever be a way for us to move on.” My admission comes behind streams of tears and the breakdown of a brick wall. One that I hadn’t even remembered I’d put up. But it’s crumbling at the feet of Jaxon Monroe.
“It was never too late, Hollis,” he whispers to me and the words twist in my heart.
