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“They weren’t very deep, though it did hurt more than I thought it would. I don’t even really remember why I decided to do it in the first place, or what the trigger was so to speak. I just know I was in my bedroom, which is where Jae found me. I had forgotten we had plans to hang out. She called 911 and I was taken to the hospital where the nurses decided that I had passed out because of low blood sugar, that mixed with the sight of my own blood, I must have just gotten light headed and fell against the wall.” I let out a small chuckle, not because it’s actually funny but because I could have passed out from low blood sugar at any point in time but my body decided to give out just when I was starting to give up. Maybe it saved me. Who knows how far I would have taken it or if that day wouldn’t have been the last.
I take a deep, steadying breath in through my nose.
“After that day, I realized that I was the one who was ruining my own life. Not you, not my parents, not the kids at school. No one but myself.”
“Hollis,” Jax sighs out, a whisper that’s laced with heartbreak and sadness. I feel it from here. But I don’t want his sadness. I want his belief that I’m better and that I’m not a broken doll. I don't want him to look at me any differently or to walk around me like he’s walking on glass. I just want to be normal…or least the normal that I create for myself.
“I’m fine. Or I wasn’t but then I got better. But it did take me a while to pick back up those pieces and put myself together again. It was hard to accept certain things but soon, everything felt better than it had ever felt before.” I smile at him, but his frown is what reflects back to me.
“And then I showed up,” he says, sounding defeated.
“Yes. But you have to remember that I was scared of what triggers you would pull on me. Losing you was the hardest thing I’d ever done, Jax. It was scary and I hated knowing that the only person who ever truly saw me for me was gone. Not even Jae understood me that way you did back then.” My words hover around us, he might be trying to analyze them as I speak the truth that bleeds from my heart.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. If I could take it back I would.”
“Don’t you dare, Jax. It took me a really long fucking time to understand and to process this situation. But I think I've finally realized that you did what you thought was best for us, youwerethinking about me. And that’s what I failed to see the whole time. Now that I know how you really felt, I can understand why you did what you did. I wish I would have been more mature to realize that at the time. But I won’t lie, maybe everything that happened was a good thing. I learned some things about myself and you made a shit ton of money.” We both laugh softly at my sarcasm. “After all, we ended up right back where we both wanted to be."
He tightens his hold on my back to ensure that I know that he’s still got me and I relax into his embrace a little more. The night breeze swirls around us and the beating of my heart fights out the other noises, it beats in tandem with his breath.
“To bring this back around, Jax, I wanted you to know that I understand more than anyone what it’s like to not want to deal with problems head on. What it’s like to want to hide under a new identity. I took to inflicting pain on myself in order to bury everything else and you seem to take a liking to drinking until it takes over your thoughts. Both have consequences, no doubt. But not many people can say they’ve stepped out of their masks. Some might not even survive them.” I turn my body to face his. “We have to be stronger when it comes to the scary things that make us feel crazy about ourselves. After all this time, we both felt the same way about each other. I made a mistake by deciding to completely cut you out of my life. I’m so sorry for that. And I’m sure you’ve made some mistakes too.” He nods in agreement. “But what’s done and done, and sure it might have sucked. But I have to stop hiding behind what I think might happen or what I don’t want to feel. I have to let my life take its course and I know that I am stronger in my head and my heart to handle the bad things if they ever come up again.”
“What makes you feel that way?” He closes his eyes, his chest rises and falls with his slow and steady breathing.
“You,” I whisper. “You were my safety net once upon a time. I know that losing you did some damage on my soul but your back and-”
“And now what am I?” he asks, watching my profile as I stare up at the sky.
Jax makes a sudden movement, bringing me in closer and leaning in, stealing my next breath with his mouth. Fire lights low in my core, my heart nearly shatters from how fast it's pounding in its cage. My skin burns with tingles as butterflies take flight in my belly.
The wind howls around us as he opens my mouth with his tongue. He kisses me with so much passion yet so much hunger that I feel like I’m in the fucking clouds right now.
He carefully lays me down on my back and positions himself halfway over me, holding himself up with an elbow and the weight of his legs. He never breaks the kiss as his hands gently wrap around my throat to deepen the connection of our lips.
I moan when his tongue dances against mine, his hand lowers to my chest and he grips my breast over my sweatshirt. I only have one free hand, so I reach up and take a handful of his hair as I relish in the way his kiss feels like warm honey.
He smells like amber and leather; his scent extinguishes the smell of the fresh breeze for a moment, and I lose myself in the way he feels. His hand moves lower from my chest and he dips it under the hem of my sweatshirt to press his palm gently over my belly. I feel the ache pulsate through my entire body.
Desire. Need. Infatuation. Addiction. Pain. Healing. Connection. Captivation.
All of the feelings roll through me at once and I feed into it. I need more of it.
Jaxon Monroe is a craving to my hunger. A cure to my pain.
His hand skates down from my stomach and he hovers over the top of my leggings.
“Can I?” he asks, which I really don’t think is necessary, but I love that he wants to get permission first.
“Hmm mm,” I hum into his mouth as he continues to kiss me like the world is ending.
He teases me by slowly dragging his fingers under the fabric and to the top of my thong. I can feel his warmth getting closer to where I want him, and I practically whimper for him to hurry up.
He lets go of our kiss to look at where his hand is, and he smiles when he sees that I’m squirming pathetically.
“Getting impatient, Hollis?” His tone is like thunder as he speaks next to my ear. We both look down at his hand and I pull my lip through my teeth trying to gain patience. But I’m a mess. I just want this man to fuck me up in every way possible. I want all of his demons, all of his warm touches, all of his pain and every ounce of his heart.
“Please,” I beg, and his smile turns devilish, his eyes darken with lust and need.
He finally finds his way under my panties and doesn’t take another second to touch me right where I want him.
