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“I’ve known you since you were in diapers, Jaxon,” her mothers speaks up. “I know you don't have an intentionally mean bone in your body. We all make mistakes and I think we have to look out for those who accept those mistakes and try to help us through them.” I feel the depth in her words. Hollis and I have always looked out for each other in the past and I think that’s what makes being back together so easy, because I know we have each other.
“I don’t condone either party’s actions, but I like to think my daughter was looking out for your best interest.” Her dad winks at me as he pats me on the shoulder and then they turn to head out for dinner.
I close the door behind me after entering the house and turn to head up the stairs.
I don’t hear any indication that she’s up here, I only remember which room was hers from when we were kids, but her mother never allowed me in here alone with her past the age of thirteen. She recognized that we were best friends but said if the rule applies to everyone else, it had to apply for me too. The only problem with that is I knew Hollis never had anyone else in her room except for Jaelynn.
I knock quietly on the door but it creeks open instead. I see the bathroom light on in the corner, but no other lights are on in the room.
I don’t need to call out her name to know where she is. I feel the breeze before I see that the white chiffon curtains are lightly blowing around from the wind. Her window behind them is open, the screen is popped out and lays against the wall.
I’ve only ever been up here once with her, when she was ten and I was fourteen. She was looking for the solar eclipse, but we never saw it.
As I walk to the open window, I think about what I’m going to say. No words will ever be enough to say the things I want to say to Hollis in any capacity, whether I’m telling her I’m sorry for being a douche or telling her how beautiful she looks on a rainy afternoon or how I can’t think of the right words to say to her ever because her eyes haunt me in my dreams.
But I’ll never stop trying to do right by her, so I stick one leg through the window before pulling myself completely through and if ever a time where I was rendered utterly speechless, it would be this exact moment.
thirty-four
Hollis
Iknowhe’shere.I can hear him as he attempts to be quiet while climbing through the window.
I haven’t been up here in a very long time. But there was always something about sitting out here that made me feel safe and free.
I think the last time I stayed up here was a few days after I got home from the hospital. It’s a tough time to remember but I know it helped me start the journey to changing who I wanted to be.
Sitting here now, I can say that I am proud of who I turned out to be. I know I won’t always get it right and I anticipate I’ll still have bad days that will try and take over, but I know that who I am today is going to handle those things a little bit better than I was able to before.
When Jax re-entered my life, I never saw it coming the way it did. I didn’t expect him to be such a force in my life and be so consuming in everything he does. But in a way, it felt like a sign that we were always meant to end up back in each other’s paths, we just had to go through our own thing for a bit. I know that my story isn’t a pretty one, but it’s one that I’m stronger because of and I won’t hide behind that part of my life anymore and I’m not going to deny him access to me.
“I haven’t been up here in a while,” I say out loud, knowing that he can hear me. Alerting him that I know he’s there.
He lets out the breath he was holding, and I try my best to hide my smile. I turn to look at him as he climbs down gently to meet me near the edge of the slightly slanted roof. But before he sits down, his mind brews something up and he tells me he’ll be right back then disappears back into the window.
I look back at the skyline, the sun dips below visibility and the wind whistles lightly through the trees.
Jax comes back with a blanket in his hands and I smile as I pull my knees into my chest and watch him try and lay it out across the shingles.
“Join me over here?” he offers as he sits on the blanket and makes room for me next to him.
I crawl over and only leave a few inches between us. We both sit with our knees pulled to our chest and our hands crossed over them.
“I forgot how beautiful the Dallas skies can be,” he says as we stare out into the darkening sky.
The moonlight gives us a shimmer against the twinkles of stars that scatter above us and the breeze gently kisses our skin.
I look over to take in the view of him; something enchanting takes up the space around us and between us as we listen to each other breathe, our minds probably thinking about what each of us is thinking. And I itch to hold his hand, lay in his arms, or kiss him. But I know that he needs to talk to me and I’ll let him have his voice.
“I’m sorry that I was an asshole last night. I don’t know how I got that bad. And I don’t deserve your kindness towards me, you making sure I didn’t continue to embarrass myself and making sure I got home safe. I should be doing that for you but instead I lost it.” He sighs as he dips his head between his knees and his chest.
I know it’s coming. I know what I’m going to say. I can feel the sting of the truth burning in the back of my throat, but I remember that I am stronger because of it and it’s time to face the music. I don’t say it to override his apology or make him feel like I’ve had it worse. I say it because he needs to know that none of us are perfect.
“I cut myself,” I swallow, and I can feel Jax’s weight shift. His eyes steady on mine with more pain than I’ve seen in them. I stay quiet for no longer than a second before I avert my eyes out to the sky and continue.
“When I was twenty years old,” I start. “I was just so tired of being me and tired of not knowing why I felt the way I did about myself. It started with the day you turned me down at the party, I felt the rejection hit me really fucking hard and everything else just kind of trickled down from there. Something as little as being in a crowd of too many people would set off my internal alarms and I would freak. Or if I had accidentally bumped into someone in the hallway between classes and they called me an idiot because I wasn’t paying attention; I’d berate myself and sit in the bathroom stall and cry for a few minutes. Some days were worse than others. Some days I had no problems at all. But the worst of it came from my self-worth. I didn’t know if my feelings were valid or if I could even feel anything at all so I…” I don’t think I need or want to go into the specifics of what I did. I can already feel my tears bubbling in my throat just thinking about it.
I can feel the heat of his gaze as he waits for me to continue, his hand reaches out to my back and he holds me there to let me know that I’ve got his support.
