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She cuts me off with a laugh. Man, she really is cute. “Matt, I put what I want in my videos, because I like the stuff that’s in there. And what I talk about. Which …” she trails off but keeps her eyes on me.
“Which?”
“Never mind.”
“What is it?”
She bites her bottom lip, looking a little nervous, which in turn brings my apprehension right back. “Okay, it’s none of my business, but I was just wondering. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal?” I give her a look that says, Seriously? You can’t figure that out?
“Matt, there’s nothing wrong with being …” She looks around and lowers her voice. “Being a nerd.”
Maybe it’s because she is going to keep my secret, or that she whispered the words with a smile, but it makes me laugh. “I know there’s not.”
“Then?” She motions with her hands.
I stare down at the ground and start to spit out the same lame answers that I’ve deluded myself with. Everything about sports and popularity and student council. All of it. And before this weekend, I was fully on board with my excuses. Now, the words make me feel uneasy.
It looks like she wants to smile but she just shakes her head. “I wish I could say I understand, but I don’t. I mean, I get it. But I don’t get it. I get not wanting to be made fun of, but if people laugh at you for liking the things you like, that’s their problem. Not yours.”
“I agree.” Now it’s her turn to give me a look. “I do. But, I’ve lived this life for four years. My best friend doesn’t even know how big of a nerd I am.”
“And you think he’d laugh at you?”
Truth be told, I don’t think Carter would laugh. He’d be shocked, that’s for sure, but I don’t think he’d laugh or make fun of me. At least, not in the kind of way that was meant to make me feel bad about myself. But I don’t say anything. I just stare at the ground again.
“Well, if he would, then that sucks. And he’s an asshole. And, he’s not really as good of a friend as you think.”
I didn’t want to argue or say that Carter isn’t like that, so I just sigh. “Yeah.”
“Anyways, don’t worry about me, okay? I won’t say anything.”
I try to give her a heartfelt smile because I do really appreciate her not saying anything. But I feel defeated. “Thanks.”
“Hey, and for what it’s worth,” her tone turns bubbly as she grins. Catching me off guard, she rubs her thumb under my chin. “I liked that Stark goatee you had going there.”
Without waiting for a reply, she heads down the hall to her next class. I stand there, watching her walk away with my mouth open. Part of me is thankful for her honesty and trustworthiness. But there’s this other part of me, that I suddenly feel. A part that smiles, liking the way her thumb rubbed against my skin.
