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31
Maddox
After a week of working out some songs with the band, eating more cheeseburgers than I have in the last three months, and a steady stream of video game playing, I’ve gotten through a week of being normal. Or, at least as normal as one can be when you’re a rock star.
I haven’t wanted to go back out, especially after being forced to come to terms with my feelings after EJ put on his little show. Instead, I’ve been a homebody unless I’m working on our next record. It’s weird not constantly doing stuff or trying to meet up with friends and party all night like I have been these last couple of years. The only thing that’s been distracting is the fact that I still get pissed off whenever I think about Cece. But what’s done is done. I did what I had to. Now I have to move on.
I shuffle my feet out of my bedroom, only one of which is wearing a sock, and make my way toward the kitchen. As I do, I hear Adam on the phone. We still haven’t been speaking much. We say hi and bye, stuff like that, but it hasn’t been the same since our argument.
He lets out a low, annoyed growl. “Jules, would you stop with that? … No, I can’t. You know why I can’t. Why do we have to have this talk every single time—”
I look over at him as I approach our kitchen door, and he rolls his eyes.
“You know that’s not true. What am I supposed to do, then, huh? You tell me!” he yells into the phone. His anger is enough to keep me from entering the kitchen. “I don’t know when. I have a movie coming out in a couple of months, and let’s not forget I’m nominated for best actor tomorrow night. … No, you know that’s not what I meant. You really think I’m only doing this to get awards and everyone’s approval? I told you it’d be like this when—” His eyes widen and his jaw drops. “Hello?”
Clenching his fist around the phone, he releases a furious yell and cocks his arm back as if he’s going to throw his phone across the room. Thinking better of it, he brings it toward his face and yells at it again. With a deep scowl, he flashes an angry look at me, then drops down on the couch.
I glance over my shoulder at the kitchen door, wondering if I should even broach the topic. Like I said, we haven’t spoken much, and this seems like a really personal and touchy topic. But at the end of the day I still consider him one of my best friends.
Taking a seat on the leather sofa next to him, I sit quietly for a moment. Neither of us says anything, and I almost second-guess myself. “They serve him decaf when he ordered regular?”
I think I made a grave mistake when his eyes snap over to me. It was meant to be a sort of ice breaker, but the hard line across his brow tells me it might’ve been too flippant a comment for the serious argument he just had.
Thankfully, he shakes his head and lets out a tiny chuckle. “Yeah, exactly.” Leaning back, he stares up at the cathedral ceilings of the penthouse. “I just … I don’t understand. I mean, I do, but I don’t. He knew I wasn’t going to go public. I told him when we first started talking that I couldn’t chance coming out yet. My entire career hangs in the balance.”
I don’t want to rock the boat. I already made the mistake of thinking our situations are the same. Still, a question has been lingering since we had our argument. “What would happen if you did tell people?”
He frowns, staring up above in thought.
“Or, at the very least, what would happen to you? Personally?” I ask.
“What’s that mean?”
“I know how serious this is to you, Adam. If people did shun you, or your career imploded from it … Yeah, it’d be horrible, but how would you take it? Like, is your career that important?”
Sitting up straight, he shrugs and stares at the floor in front of us. “It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. Ross has just ingrained it in me to always keep it quiet.”
I’m sure he thinks his manager is doing what’s best for him, and maybe I’m completely wrong, and he is. However, a part of me thinks he’s only doing what’s best for his career and not him personally. “Would you be happier with yourself and your life, not your career, but with your life if you could be open about your relationship? As open about yours that everyone else can? That I can? Or, at least, could.”
I frown at the thought but try to quickly shake it away.
“Honestly? I think so, but …” He takes a deep breath, then his gaze meets mine. “Man, I have to apologize.”
“For what?”
“The day we got in that fight. When I exploded for you calling me a coward.”
“I was out of line.”
“No. You weren’t. It’s something that’s been eating at me for a long time. I’ve been confused and scared and a little disgusted that I can’t do this. Come out and be with someone I care about. And every time Jules and I have one of these arguments, I wonder … is this it? Is this the one he gets fed up on waiting for me? I don’t know.”
There are no words of encouragement or knowledge I can give him. It seems like we’re both in situations where the decision is out of our hands, but at the same time, it’s not. He could announce he was gay to the world tomorrow, but then he’d have to fear the consequences of that. I could go to Cece and tell her the truth, but then I’d be asking her to make a choice she shouldn’t have to.
“He wanted to be my date tomorrow to the Icon Awards. You want the ticket?”
I raise a brow. “Really?”
He lets out a defeated chuckle, lifting his shoulders. “I don’t feel like faking it with another girl on my arm who Ross pulled out of his Rolodex.”
