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“Yeah,” I say with a faint smile, trying my best to convince her everything is fine. I knew Jackson dropping out was a possibility, but I had no idea it was actually happening. Why wouldn’t he tell me?
She returns the gesture, holding my gaze a second longer before looking down at her notebook and back to studying.
Jackson is leaving.
To tour with his band.
This weekend.
I had one of those pieces already, but when the other two click into place, my heart pounds with an emotion I’m not sure is justified. Jackson and I aren’t together. We’ve never even talked about it. I’m not his. He’s not mine. He doesn’t owe me anything.
But somehow, this still feels like a punch to the gut.
I try to get back to work, studying for my final, but it’s no use. All I can focus on is the sound of blood rushing to my ears, pounding with every thud of my heart.
I should be happy for him—I am happy for him. This is all he’s ever wanted, and he deserves it. Anyone who has seen him play on stage would agree. That’s where he’s most comfortable.
That’s where he belongs.
And I belong here, in a USF dorm common room with my best friend and her boyfriend.
The sound of the elevator ding snaps me back to the present, and one glance reunites me with the gray-blue eyes I can’t stop thinking about. My pulse quickens as he walks toward us, guitar case in hand. It isn’t until he pulls up a chair and sets his guitar down that I realize I’ve been staring. Before he can look over at me, I dart my gaze down to the page and get back to work.
“How was practice?” Matt asks.
I swear I can still feel Jackson looking at me, but I refuse to let him see what I’m feeling right now. He’ll read me like he always does, and that’s the last thing I need.
Finally, I sense his eyes pulling away from me to answer Matt. “Good. We’re taking some time off for the holidays, so it was relaxed today. What have you guys been up to?”
There it is again, the feeling of his eyes on me. I know I can’t avoid him forever, but it would have been nice to get the shock out of my system first.
I could probably burn a hole through my keyboard with how hard I’m staring at it.
“Are the guys excited about the tour?” Rae asks, and the heart rate I’ve been trying to calm comes back with a vengeance.
“Yeah,” Jackson says with a laugh. “I think they wish we were going on the whole tour instead of only select dates, but Dave says he’s already working on lining up another one after this.”
Another tour.
“Seriously?” Matt asks, and it sounds like he’s finally set down his notes. “So, this is happening?”
Jackson is quiet for a moment, and I dare to lift my gaze. He’s scratching the side of his head as he leans back in his chair, a grin teasing at the corner of his mouth. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”
“Shit,” Matt says with his own grin forming. “Remember me when you make it big.”
“No promises.”
Then Matt turns to Rae. “If only I knew how to play the drums.”
Rae laughs. “What? You’d join the band and tour with him?”
“Yeah!” Matt answers like it should be obvious.
“Okay,” Rae says dismissively, but there’s still a trace of a smile pulling at her lips.
I watch their exchange, and for the first time, I’m jealous of what they have. My eyes flicker to Jackson, and my lips part with the realization that he’s watching me. I feel like I should say something, but what can I say? What do you say to someone who has no idea they’re breaking your heart? Whatever it is, I couldn’t say it even if I wanted to. My mouth has gone dry and needles prick the backs of my eyes, so without even forcing a smile, I focus back on my keyboard and say nothing at all.
48
