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She’s looking at me like she knows exactly what the answer is, but she wants to hear me say it. “But he scares the shit out of me.”
Rae takes another bite, unfazed by my confession. “I don’t understand why.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. “What if I’m right about him wanting to be single once he’s on the road? What if he breaks up with me for that exact reason?”
She stares at me for a moment. “I don’t think he will. And if he does?” She shrugs. “You move on and write about how shitty his band is on your blog.”
I let out a breath of laughter. “I’m serious, Rae.”
“Why are you so worried about being dumped?” Her eyebrows furrow. “I’ve never seen anyone handle a breakup as well as you handled yours with Chris.”
I push my last few bites of cake around with my fork. “Maybe I like him more than Chris—more than I’ve liked anyone.” I glance at her just long enough to register the surprise in her eyes. Before I can change my mind, I blurt, “Maybe the thought of getting dumped by Chris didn’t scare me, but the thought of getting dumped by Jackson terrifies me.”
I’ve never said the words out loud, but I know that’s what it comes down to. I’ve never been with someone who could break me.
But with Jackson, I’m not so sure.
Rae leans back in her chair, the weight of my realization dawning on her. “Then you need to give this your all.” She leans toward me, dipping her head to make me look at her. “Because if you don’t? You’ll regret it.”
I set my fork down. “I know.” She’s right. I can’t shut Jackson out just because I’m afraid things will end badly. If he’s willing to try, the least I can do is meet him halfway. “But I don’t know what I can do other than going to that show in Orlando next month.”
“That feels so far away, too,” Rae says as she takes another bite. She freezes with the fork in her mouth.
“What?” I ask.
Her wide eyes lock on me. “Has Jackson told you where his first show of the tour is?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. Why?”
She purses her lips. “I could have sworn Matt said something . . . hold on.” She reaches for her phone and starts frantically typing.
“Are you texting Matt?”
“No,” she says as she continues to scroll and type. “I don’t need to. It’s on their site.” She turns her phone to face me, and I lean forward to get a better look.
“No way,” I say with a slow smile pulling at my lips. “Chicago?”
60
jackson
With the holidays behind us, the van sits in Dave’s driveway with all doors open as we strategically pack it full of equipment and gear. We each get a small bin to store clothes, a toothbrush, and a phone charger. It will be a tight fit all the way to Illinois, but right now, I love the sight of this overpacked van more than anything.
Stuffing my sleeping bag into the small space near my stuff, I curse under my breath when my headphones slip, falling around my neck.
“Yeah,” Dave says next to me. Startled, I look over at him. I guess I have my noise-canceling headphones to thank for that. “It’s going to be a tight few months,” he says with a laugh as he shoves his own sleeping bag next to mine. Standing up straight, he steps back and looks at me funny. “Are you listening to Taylor Swift?”
Now that my headphones are around my neck, “Don’t Blame Me” plays loud enough to be heard. “Shit,” I mutter as I pause the song on my phone. When I look up again, Dave’s watching me carefully with a knowing smile. “Missing a certain redhead?” he asks with a smirk.
There’s no point trying to hide it. Just the indirect mention of her makes my mouth turn upward. “Fuck off,” I say with a breath of laughter, and Dave only laughs harder.
“Are you two officially a thing yet, or what?” he asks casually as he moves on to organizing some of the equipment.
Leaning against the platform where we’ll all sleep for the next few months, I say, “Still working on it.”
He looks over his shoulder at me with an interested lift on his eyebrow. “Chasing tail, Phillips?”
“I guess we’ll find out.” Scratching the side of my head, I wish I had a better answer for him. I don’t know if I’m wasting my time with Margot.
