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“The rules.”
A flicker of apprehension covers her face, and I am more than ready to give her something to think about.
Chapter 5
Kollyns
DEMANDING RULES
“More rules? Seriously? You already dictated I take two weeks off, stay here with you, and pack multiple outfits. What else is there?” I lean back in my chair and control my energy so I don’t stomp my foot at his ridiculousness.
I’m beginning to think I need to pack my shit up and head home. My parents won’t be surprised at this point if I become an old spinster woman, so why not just do it.
“Did you really think that there wouldn’t be more to this than those initial rules? How else are you going to learn the things you need to?”
His voice is condescending and it pisses me off. It’s good that the dishes aren’t still on the table, or I’d stab him with my fork.
“Look,” I begin. “I’ve already admitted that I suck at dating. If I didn’t I would not be here sitting in a stranger’s apartment tolerating your tone. Which, by the way, this is me acknowledging you’ve pushed a button. I recognize my need to learn some tips and tricks to help me make more friends and put out the energy into the world that I want a mate. That doesn’t mean that you get to dictate to me during this process.”
My hands are flying around with each word I speak and I don’t care. I watch him intently as he listens to my rant before he continues.
“Look, if you don’t want to be here, you’re welcome to leave. But before you do, how about you listen to what I have to say? If tomorrow you decide this isn’t for you then you can leave. No hard feelings.”
I nod in agreement. Besides, it's late and I don’t want to re-pack all my shit again or deal with Mr. Big. He would scratch me to death if I tried to put him back in his crate.
“Go ahead. I’m listening.” And I will.
“The rules aren’t here to beat you down. They’re less rules and more like guidelines to help you navigate this journey.”
I can handle guidelines.
“Rule number one is easy.” He gets up and walks to the kitchen, grabs my wineglass off the counter, rinses it out, and then places it in front of me. He fills the glass and then tops his off. “Just be you. It’s that simple.”
I try not to roll my eyes at him because that is the most obvious thing I’ve ever heard. “Who else would I be? Queen Elizabeth?” The snark flows past my lips and I don’t even care at this point.
“Considering she is at least ninety, I hope not.” He chuckles and I allow myself to smile back at him.
I watch as he continues listing the rules. Two, three, four, and five are basic enough and I could probably find them on the internet. Then he hits me where it is cobwebby. “Rule number six. Sex is required.”
“Um, excuse me?” I screech and stand from my chair, nearly toppling it over on its side. “I have to have sex with you? I thought you weren’t a prostitute?”
“I am not a prostitute. Although, I will remind you I am not being paid for my services. I am doing this as a favor to good friends. Maybe I need to add to the rules and make listening number two.”
I give him an incredulous look and interrupt him. “If I’m not having sex with you, then who am I having it with?”
A heavy feeling settles in my stomach, and I fear what he will say. I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this if he’s going to whore me out.
My heart is racing at the thought of having sex with anyone, considering how many years it’s been—yes, I’m obsessing over how long it’s been. Vulnerability doesn’t come naturally to me. Just thinking about allowing someone to see my naked body causes me to shake. I’m not a Barbie doll and most of the time, I’m happy with what I look like. As disappointing as it is in this day and age, if I were a blond bombshell, I’d have to work even harder at the office to make the men take me seriously.
“Geez, woman. The point of the rule is not with whom you have sex but that sex is a normal part of a relationship. I don’t know of a man who wants to have a relationship without sex or a woman either. It’s a vital part of a relationship and you should be ready to embrace it.”
A quiet “oh” escapes my mouth, and I watch him across the table. His back is straight, his legs crossed and his messy hair makes me want to run my fingers through it.
“Kollyns,” he says, pausing for a moment. “The rules are to help you accept your sexuality and rebuild any confidence you may have lost over the years. As we move through the steps, you’ll find yourself more open to dating and ultimately sharing yourself and your heart with another. Not to scare you, intimidate you, or force you to do anything that you truly don’t want to.”
I allow my mind to process what he’s trying to teach me while my heart flutters with fear. Though it’s important for me to accept these things because my soul is lonely and aches for another who sees and desires it.
I shouldn’t have listened to Henley when she told me to read Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown. She couldn’t stop talking about it and how empowered she felt when she couldn’t put it down. Now, just like her, I have all kinds of things in my head. Things I’ve never thought about or even considered until now.
