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“Well, I was hopin’, darlin’,” he says as he continues to feather kisses down my neck, running his hands down my breasts. Deep groans escape his lips as he continues to torture me with his kisses. “What’s wrong? Am I movin’ too fast for you?” he asks with a look of hunger in his eyes. I rub my hand across his thick chest and take a deep breath.
“I’m just, uhm sore.” Colton stills and looks at me with a cocked eyebrow.
“Ah hell, darlin’, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you say somethin’? I didn’t hurt you too bad, did I? Damn, baby, I’d never want to hurt you,” Colton pleads as sadness mares his face.
I caress his cheek, in awe of how gentle his heart is. “Baby, I’m okay; just sore. Don’t worry.” Colton moves beside me, then pulls me tight to his chest, kissing me lightly on the forehead.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“Please don’t apologize, Colton. I enjoyed every second of it; it was amazing. I’m just not use to that sort of contact.” Colton’s face scrunches in confusion.
“Carly Jo, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but when was the last time you had sex before today?” Heat flushes my cheeks, as fear and anxiety attack my chest. Tears pierce my eyes, but I refuse their escape. Colton brushes my hair back, peppering kisses across my forehead. “It’s okay, baby, you ain’t gotta talk ’bout it, okay?”
“No, I’m okay, really. I can’t let all of this haunt me forever, so maybe talking about it will help. You have to understand, Colton, I was raped, brutally. It’s hard to gain trust for men after such a devastating event.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I’ve been celibate for seven years. I haven’t even dated since I left here. Believe me, it wasn’t my intention, but I couldn’t trust men after all of the pain and heartache I had been through.” I give him a weak smile, my cheeks red from humiliation of discussing all of this with him.
Colton looks down at me sadly, “Carly Jo, do you trust me?”
I exhale a deep breath and think about that. “I want to.”
Colton kisses my lips softly. “Darlin’, I’ll do anything to earn your trust again. I’m so sorry that I left you broken. I’m so sorry that because of me, we lost so much together. Please tell me what to do to make you trust me again.” The tears break free from my eyes.
“I want to trust you. I don’t even know what we have right now. A week ago, we couldn’t even look at each other, after bearing all of our secrets to each other. Then tonight, you kinda just swept me off my feet, and it was totally unexpected.” I bite down on my lip, trying not to cry. “I want to feel whole again. I want you to put my heart back together. It’s shattered, Colton. I don’t even know where all of the pieces are,” I cry out soft whimpers. Colton dries my face with the pad of his thumb.
“Darlin’, we have whatever you want us to have. I want you, Carly Jo, all of you. Your shattered heart, your body, your soul. I’ll mend your heart, darlin’; just let me in. I had no intentions of comin’ over to take you to bed. I just wanted to talk and try to move past everything. Do I regret makin’ love to ya? Never. I just couldn’t stand the heartache another minute. Damn it, do you realize I’ve waited seven long years for you to come home, so I could have my woman back? Just tell me what it’s gonna take to make you trust me again,” he whispers against my lips, pulling me tighter into his embrace. I kiss him softly before laying my head on his chest.
“I know that the wound is still fresh for you, knowing that we’ve lost our angel. But my wound has never healed, Colton. Looking at you makes the wound burn deeper. It wasn’t your fault. I can see that now, but a part of me still resents you for leaving me. It’s so hard to trust someone who has left me so empty.” I wipe the tears from my face and suck back the all-consuming anger that builds deep within me each time I think about what I’ve lost.
“I can’t change any of that. Pushin’ me away ain’t gonna help us heal. Do you know how damn hard it’s been for me not to slip back into drinkin’ these last few weeks since I found out that we lost our baby? You didn’t just lose the baby, sweetheart; don’t you understand that? The only thing that keeps me sober is Kylee Jo and knowin’ that I might have the tiniest chance with you.” Colton runs his fingers through his hair in frustration as the pain covers his face.
“Trust me, I understand the circumstances now and don’t hold you accountable. But there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to let go. Colton, you have no idea how long it took for me to find myself after I lost the baby. I was lost, nearly invisible. I hated every breath I took; living was just that painful. And I had to do it all alone. I had nobody to comfort me. I pulled myself from the trenches of self-despair and built steel enforced walls around my heart. I’m stronger now, but my one kryptonite is you.” I take a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves.
“My body wants you badly. Your touch is so electrifying and exhilarating that I crave each trace of your fingers. My mind and heart want the comfort and solace of having someone to come home to every night, someone to hold me tight, and someone to laugh with. But my heart is terrified to unlock the steel barriers to let you in. It’s shattered and if you aren’t careful with me, I may fall completely into myself. I don’t think I could survive having my heart broken twice. I’m fighting a war within myself, and I don’t know what I truly want.”
“You’re never gonna know if you don’t try, darlin’,” Colton says, turning me in his arms so he can look deep into my eyes.
“You don’t fight the battle with my own heart, so I don’t expect you to understand, but think about this. If you hadn’t pushed me away. If you would have been honest, Colton… Damn. We’d have two little girls with bouncing curls, just months apart. We’d have our family. But we don’t, Colton. You have your beautiful daughter, while I’m left empty. That void can never be filled.”
He wraps his hand around my chin and crashes his lips down on mine for a sweet, sensual kiss. Our tongues dance softly together. I gently lick his lip as he nibbles on mine. Colton pulls away from our embrace and looks deep into my eyes. “Darlin’, I don’t fight the battle with your heart, but I’ll be damned if I won’t fight for it. After all, it is rightfully mine. I’m so sorry that we lost our baby. I wish I could change the past, but I can’t. If you’ll let me in, if you’ll let me show you how much I love you, I can mend your broken heart. One day, baby, we can have a family. We’ll never forget our angel, but we can have our happily ever after.”
“I’m not ready for all the ‘I love yous’ just yet. That’s moving way too fast. Everything in my life is moving too fast.”
“So where do we go from here? Don’t you see, I’d move mountains just to see you smile? I would swim the deepest ocean just to hear your laugh tickle my ear one last time. I don’t ever want to hurt you again. You were always mine, even when we were apart. And you’ll always be mine,” Colton says, and his words make me melt. I cry silently, not sure whether I want to give my heart to this man or keep it safely caged.
“I don’t want to push too hard, Carly Jo, but I want us together. Can you try to let me heal you, while you heal me? Can you try to let me in? I promise if I ever do hurt you again, you have my permission to lay a thirty-eight right between my eyes and blow my damn brains out. ’Cause, darlin’, if I ever do hurt you again, I’m as good as dead inside anyway, and I won’t deserve my next breath.”
What do you say to that? The love of your life, the man you want to hold you for eternity bares his heart to you, and just what do you say? I say nothing. Absolutely speechless. I don’t know what to say. I’m terrified of being hurt, but I’m tired of being alone. My heart falters with his every word. I want to be with Colton so badly, but I’m still clinging to the past. I want to move on, and we both deserve the happiness that we’ve been stripped of for seven years.
“Give me time. That’s all I’m asking, Colton. Right now, I don’t need all the hearts, rainbows, and flowers. I just need time. We’ll see where things take us, but be patient. Can you do that?”
Colton’s face beams with happiness. He presses both of his mammoth hands to the sides of my face and pulls me into a long, passionate kiss. He cradles me in his lap, kissing me like there’s no tomorrow. When he allows me to come up for air, he smiles and peppers kisses all over my face.
“I love you, baby. I know you ain’t ready to say it, but I’m gonna remind you every damn day just how much I love you until your heart is healed. I’m never lettin’ you go again.”
We spend the rest of the night tangled in each other’s arms, talking and kissing like two crazy teenagers. I want to let Colton in so badly, and he’s going to push until the steel wall breaks free, but letting go of the resentment I carry is the hardest part.
Chapter 18
Carly
