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Chapter 18
Zander
The following Monday morning, Zander groggily pulled himself out of bed, looking out his bedroom window to see a sky that seemed to fit his current status. Gloomy. Overcast. Ugly.
He considered doing something he hadn’t done in two years—calling in sick. He thought about sulking in his room, thinking about life or maybe not even thinking about anything at all. Maybe he could just spend the day staring at the fog that didn’t seem to be going anywhere soon and think about how whatever he’d found with Rachel Winters had already dissipated.
He dragged himself to the shower, hoping the hot water could wash away the confusion and mucky feelings he was dealing with, had been dealing with all weekend. This was the final Monday before school let out for summer, and he needed to be there to close up shop and to wish the kids off to summer. He couldn’t let a broken heart get in the way.
Was that what this really was?he asked himself as he stepped into the stream of hot water a few minutes later. A broken heart? How ridiculous was the idea that he could be this devastated over a woman he just met hardly a month ago? How ludicrous he had let himself fall so hard so fast when he knew just how much of a disaster Zander Riley was at love. He clearly had a masochistic wish for himself, letting his heart get wrapped up with a woman whose job was to act for a living.
Still, no matter how frustrated he was—with Rachel or with himself, he couldn’t decide—he knew the hardest part of this whole mess was neither of them had been tapping into their passion for acting when they were together. Neither of them was faking anything. The spark that had ignited between them unexpectedly and, arguably against both of their wishes, was anything but an act.
It was the real deal, plain and simple. And now, Rachel had smothered that flame with a bad night and a couple of words ringing with finality.
He couldn’t blame her completely. He knew what it was like to be afraid and to be worried love would ruin a career. Heck, they’d both seen that very thing play out in real life. They’d both been battered by relationships and had come out on the other side to see their way through. It wasn’t really a surprise that both of them would be gun-shy when it came to commitment again.
But over the past few weeks, they’d maneuvered those fears together. They’d found something worth the risk, something worth breaking old promises for. They found something they could both say yes to and feel like they were making the right decision.
So what had gone wrong?
Maybe Zander had just put too much pressure on himself and on them to make it work. Maybe, in truth, he’d been craving a relationship since Sheila walked out and essentially said he wasn’t worthy of her. Maybe, even if he’d tried to avoid it for years, he’d been seeking verification he was, in fact, worthy and capable of real love.
But now his chance was gone, just like the rest of his chances.
A half hour later, when he made his way into the classroom, he told himself to brush off the gloom and doom feelings. It was no use. Rachel had made her position clear. In truth, this whole thing had been basically cursed from the beginning. No one built a relationship based on some fluttering feeling. What, did he think this was some sappy chick movie where the two protagonists “just knew” from the moment they saw each other? He’d never accused himself of being a hopeless romantic, but he was getting dangerously close to that label now.
When the kids rolled in, Zander did his best to paint on a smile and put the harsh realities of the weekend behind him. He hadn’t lost anything, right? He was the same Mr. Riley he’d been for his whole teaching career—alone but more than okay with that. He had his job, his cat, and his friends. What more did a man need, other than some cold beer on the weekend and a decent hockey team to root for? Forget love. He was beyond that.
“Mr. Riley, what’s wrong?” Rocky asked in the middle of the day’s lesson on budgeting, one of the last before summer break kicked in.
“Nothing, Rocky. Why?”
“You look sad. Real sad, Mr. Riley,” Rocky said gravely, and even some of the non-verbal students shook their heads in agreement, as if needing to express the sentiment.
Zander leaned on his desk, shaking his head, running a hand through his growing stubble. “I’m fine, Rocky. Just tired, you know?”
“No, Mr. Riley. He’s right. You look sad. More than just Monday sad. And Mrs. Humphrey says we should always talk about our feelings when we’re sad. We’re ready to listen,” Katie added, actually folding her hands together as if she were a therapist ready to take on her client’s heavy burdens.
Zander smiled at their sweet sentiments. Even the kids could sense he was off. Great. Just great.
“Guys, listen. I’m going to be fine, okay? Now can we please get back to budgeting?”
Rocky shook his head, clearly expressing his disproval. “Mr. Riley, I know what this is about. My dad always says when a man looks sad like that, it’s always about a woman.”
Zander Riley was the man who kept his emotions in check and undercover. But at Rocky’s words, he could feel his face warming.
Whoever thought these kids at Highline were disabled or lacking in some way had no idea what they were talking about. These were the most perceptive, empathetic kids Zander had ever met.
And it was just a shame they were absolutely, positively right on so many levels about this.
