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Chapter 19
Rachel
“Rachel? What the heck are you doing here? Rachel, come on.”
Rachel’s eyes groggily opened as she looked up to see Michael standing over her. Confusion slowly lifted like a heavy morning fog. She looked up to see the dressing room mirror in front of her. She stretched out her very stiff back, wincing as the pain in her neck screamed.
“What time is it?” she asked, still groggy and confused.
“Six in the morning. Did you sleep here last night?”
She looked around the dressing room, recalling last night after the evening performance. Everyone had closed up shop, had gone home. She promised she was fine, that she just needed to run a few lines.
Apparently, that had turned into a lot longer of a practice than she thought because here she was. She vaguely remembered needing to rest her eyes and putting her head down, but she had never planned on sleeping the night here.
“I guess I did.”
“Rachel, have you lost your mind? We have a show this afternoon. Get home and get some sleep. What were you doing all night?”
Rachel sighed, shaking out her hair before looking at Michael. He groaned even though she didn’t say a word.
“Please tell me this isn’t about Saturday night. Dear Lord, Rachel, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Everyone has their moments.”
“But I don’t,” she whispered, feeling the frustration creep back in her voice.
Michael put a hand on her shoulder. “Stop being so hard on yourself, Rachel. No one wants a perfect actress. We want an actress with heart, with emotion. You’ve got that. The rest is just side stuff.”
Rachel wanted to let Michael’s words sink in, but she couldn’t. He didn’t get it. How could he? He was exactly where he wanted to be in life. Rachel wasn’t even close, and she was too far along in her life to make any missteps now. She’d made plenty in her early twenties. Now was the time to be on her A-game.
“Rachel, stop beating yourself up. You know you’re amazing at what you do, and we all see it. I know you struggle because you feel like you got a later start in this game, but that doesn’t matter. Did you know I didn’t get my first real directing gig until I was fifty? Do you know how many people, myself included, thought it was never going to happen for me? And do you know how many screw-ups I had along the way? You’re young. You’re vibrant. You’re dedicated. Any Broadway play would be lucky to have you, and I selfishly hope I can keep you for as long as I’m directing this thing. But I also know, Rachel, you’re destined for bigger things, no matter what you think. So just sit back a little and let the universe take you where it will.”
“Thank you,” she said meekly, not sure if she believed his words but happy to hear the kindness radiating in his voice. She was lucky to work for such an understanding director.
“Now, do me a favor,” he said, and she smiled.
“Anything.”
“Get the heck home, get some sleep, and stop practicing those six lines. Oh, and can you bring me a latte when you come back for the matinee?”
“You got it, boss,” she replied, feeling better despite her still-aching neck.
“Don’t call me that. You know I hate it.”
“Whatever you say.”
Rachel left the theater, stopping in the street to turn back and look at the sign above it. She thought about Michael’s reassuring words and wondered if he was right, if she was being too hard on herself.
Most of all, she wondered if she’d been too hard on Zander Riley and whatever it was they had been building.
Rachel was a good actress in many ways. She could concede to that. However, she knew for sure her acting like Zander didn’t matter to her or that saying goodbye to him had been easy wouldn’t fool anyone, not even herself.
It had been the hardest thing she’d done, and she was still mourning the loss of him. Maybe that was, in truth, why she’d poured herself into practicing her measly six lines over and over yesterday at the theater. Maybe the prospect of going home all alone again just was too much to face.
Perhaps Michael was right. Maybe she needed to trust in the universe a bit more and accept the fact that saying no to love just wasn’t working anymore.
Then again, she thought as she hailed a cab to go home and get some sleep, maybe she just needed to catch a nap so she could think clearly again. Because if she was thinking love was the answer after everything that had happened this weekend, she must really be sleep deprived.
She’d done the right thing, the responsible thing. It’s not like she and Zander were soul mates, after all—not that she even believed in that anymore. Those were the whims and fantasies of a much younger Rachel who still had stars in her eyes and belief in her heart that life would be perfect.
Thirty-something Rachel knew, however, life was about choices and, right now, with her career the focus of her life, she didn’t have time for promises to a man she’d practically just met. She didn’t have time to promise forever when her heart wasn’t even sure if forever could exist.
She didn’t have time for Zander Riley, no matter how much his eyes beckoned her in or how amazing his lips felt on hers or how much she could picture a future with the theater-loving, special education teacher who had grabbed her from the moment she walked into the room.
She just couldn’t have time for him, she told herself, practicing the line over and over until she was in her bed and dozing off.
