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She lost her faith in the very thing she needed to believe in most—her heart.
She clicked her phone off, shoved it back in her pocket, and sat for a long moment in thought. Then, as a resolve washed over her, she took a breath, stood from the table, and marched toward the door, tossing the half-empty coffee cup in the trash can, flinging the door open, and making a beeline for her apartment.
She had work tomorrow. She needed to be on her A-game. After all, work was everything, and it always would be. That was how it was meant to be.
Or at least that was what Rachel tried to convince herself as she fell asleep alone, the silence of her apartment only interrupted by honking horns down below.
* * *
“We missed you last night.It’s been a while since we’ve had a wine night. We need to do that soon,” Beatrice said Saturday night when Rachel got home from the show. She’d just kicked off her ballet flats and tucked herself into the couch when Gigi and Beatrice had wandered over with some heavenly chocolate cake and martinis.
“I needed more wine last night. That party was such a bore. Seriously,” Gigi whined, handing Rachel a plate with a piece of cake.
“Your cousin, Gerald, really tries, you know. You could be nice.”
“The guy wouldn’t know fun if it hit him in the face. Seriously. A cocktail party with no cocktails? That doesn’t even make sense. I don’t understand who would have a birthday party without alcohol. On a Friday, nonetheless. The nerve of him. Thank goodness I had my flask with me.”
Rachel grinned, picturing Gigi hitting up her flask at some boring, stuffy party.
“Well, the shrimp was delicious. And the band was okay, right?” Beatrice offered.
Gigi made a snoring noise. “If I preferred music from the 1920s. No thank you. I’m old and even I don’t like that music.”
“Anyway, dear, tell us how your week went. We barely saw you, but we’ve heard Zander hasn’t been around. Ruth from down the hall said she hasn’t seen him here since last week. What gives?”
Rachel should chide Beatrice for being in her business, but she didn’t have the energy. Plus, she was used to Beatrice and Gigi knowing everything already. It’s not like she had anything to hide.
“Well, I told him I couldn’t see him anymore,” Rachel stated matter-of-factly.
“What? Why? He was so cute and sweet. And you were so happy,” Beatrice argued.
Frank Sinatra turned in circles on the floor, and Rachel tossed down a throw pillow for the dog to get comfy on. He kneaded the pillow like a cat would, turned in circles some more, and then plopped over. Rachel stared at the sight, wishing her life were as simple as Frank’s.
“Our relationship or whatever it was started getting in the way of my career. I messed up lines on Saturday, big time. I froze. He was in the audience, and I just froze. It was really bad. It made me realize I was making a mistake again. I was letting a relationship stop my dreams. I can’t do that, not at this stage in the game, you know? I’m not some naïve twenty-something who needs love to be happy. I’ve built a fine life on my own. I just don’t need the complications, you know?” Gigi and Beatrice looked at each other, shaking their heads.
“We don’t,” Gigi started. “First of all, we heard about the lines. And you know what we heard? That it was fine. No one even noticed. Do you know how many leads we’ve seen flub their lines? It happens. You’re human. And you know Michael thinks you’re amazing. That’s not going to change. You’re a star, Rachel, even if you don’t see it yet. So stop being so hard on yourself.”
“And second, why are you so against mixing love and career? You’re not giving yourself enough credit. So you made some mistakes in your twenties. You let a guy dictate your life path. You chose your college based on him and gave up school in New York City. That doesn’t mean you can never handle love. You’re wiser now, Rachel. You’re grounded in who you are. I think you use your career as an excuse,” Beatrice added.
“What do you mean?” Rachel asked, feeling tension rise in her voice. How dare Beatrice presume to know what Rachel was doing. Of course it wasn’t an excuse. What she’d been through with Seth had been very real, thank you very much. And she didn’t think being dedicated to her career made her a liar or a fool.
“I mean, I don’t think that’s it. I think you like to say it’s about your career. That you don’t want to risk juggling both. Both I know you’re smart and capable of doing both. I think it’s just you’re scared of being dependent on someone. People have let you down in the past. You thought Seth was the one for you, and you turned out to be wrong. I think you’re just terrified of getting your heart broken again. You’re terrified that weakens you or takes away from who you are. But Rachel, the thing you’re missing is, yes, love is a risk. Yes, you might get your heart broken. But you know what? It’s worth it. It’s worth the time and the potential disappointment. It’s worth putting your heart on the line. It might not work out. It might be an epic fail. But you know what else? It might work out despite everything. It might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. And if you give it a chance, you might even find it enriches your career instead of ruining it. Take a risk, child. You’re still so young. You’re too young to box yourself in. I don’t care what your past says or what that club of yours says or what your head says. I care about your heart. What’s it telling you?”
Rachel soaked in the words for a moment, studying Gigi and Beatrice. She stared at the two women for a long time, turning the words over and over again in her head.
Were they right? Was she just lying to herself? Had she been using her career as an excuse for years and years? Was she simply trying to protect her heart from the risk of love?
She was brave in so many ways. She had found the courage to move to the city, to chase her Broadway dreams against all odds, and to get on that stage in front of tons of people every night. She’d pushed herself when it came to singing and dancing. Still, when it came to love, she was wimpy and frightened. She cowered, pulling back from the possibility, finding excuses in her career and in her group of friends.
Why was she so afraid? Why was she letting fear dictate her life?
And most of all, what was she missing by hiding from her heart?
“We love you no matter what. Maybe Zander Riley isn’t the guy your heart is choosing. Maybe he is. Regardless, I think you owe it to yourself to stop chaining yourself into a life of loneliness. Give yourself more credit, Rachel. You’re strong. Even if love doesn’t work out, you can get through it. You’ve done it once when you weren’t as sure of who you were. You can do it again, I’m sure of it. Just stop being so afraid to try.”
Rachel nodded, taking a deep breath. “You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thank you.”
“We love you, dear. We just want you to be happy, truly happy, no matter what that looks like.”
