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I’m tingling with goose bumps from head to toe. I can understand his reaction as if it were my own. Because that’s how I would feel if Kane were taken from me. But still, I’m in amazement. That much feeling must be linked to something.
“It really scared me seeing a man that powerful, that strong, that fearless… be that afraid. I thought we were going to lose you again. And the first person that’s ever fought for me, and listened to my problems, and shown me that I’m not crazy, just lost and misunderstood… that person would be gone forever.” Niles leans over and uses the sleeves of his coat to wipe his eyes.
I prop myself up on one knee and pull his wide shoulders in for a hug. He sniffles against my chest and I rest my cheek on top of his head layered with golden curls. I can’t believe I started my life living with toxic, violent acts of love. I lived with a man who locked me in a basement for days on end. I lived with a resentful twin who would beat me up when she had a meltdown. To this. This group of friends who cares deeply for me. Even through the stress of running from an enemy, being left in the dark, I can be grateful for this. For Niles.
“I love you, Niles. You’re my chosen brother in this life.”
45. The House of Ash
I find a place to sleep away from the others, deeper into the cave. After my outburst, it doesn’t feel natural to chat like everything is normal. Like I didn’t just air out Kane’s dirty laundry. Like I didn’t just assume the worst of Warrose.
As I tuck myself in, Kane slides under our fur-lined blanket, cupping my body with his own. His chest is against my back, moving slowly with the speed of his breaths. I’m instantly less sleepy by the buzzing in my head, like hearing music for the first time. A warm layer of familiar comfort, longing to be held by him again.
He swivels his hips to match up with my lower back. His arms close around me, locking me inside the safety of his embrace. Fire and bursts of chemical reactions implode in my skin. How quickly my brain responds when our skin touches, when our bodies cling together like arteries to a heart. Kane’s lips make a trail of light kisses against the back of my head, dropping like bread crumbs down my neck as if he is leaving himself a map. As if he is afraid he might get lost. Firecrackers pop and crackle in my lower belly. Galactic energy hums through my fingers and toes, forcing me to arch into him.
“I’m hurting you.” His voice is soft, like rippling water. I sigh at the sound.
“Hmm?”
“With the secrets,” he clarifies, a rush of hot breath tickling my neck. “I’m hurting you by keeping you in the dark.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t excuse how I acted.” I frown. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Mind Phantoms. Your body’s metabolism is burning the last of it off. But the side effects are mood swings, fits of anger, hormonal imbalances. Temporary, though.”
“Oh.” Thank God.
“About Warrose,” he prompts, shifting closer against my back. “It’s hard for me to talk about my time being trained. It was hard for Dessin because Warrose was his best friend, and he had to say goodbye when he admitted us to the asylum.”
“You don’t have to explain.”
“And the—women that were brought for soldiers. Dessin went into a rage when he learned what they were for. He put them out of their misery and was beaten mercilessly for it.”
“Kane—”
“Please don’t ever do that to me again,” he whispers, the smell of his breath is dynamite to my attraction. It’s sweet and I want to taste it.
“Do what?”
“Run away. Go rogue. Give up your safety for my own.” He’s breathing so close to my ear that my eyes slightly roll back into my head. The euphoria.
“I’d do it again.”
He readjusts to roll me on my back, his left hand cupping the back of my head, a pillow against the cold stone. I roll farther than he intended, purposefully letting my body snuggle into his.
“No you won’t,” he says.
“So you can make sacrifices for me but I can’t make any for you?”
His dark eyes burn in the firelight, growing in sentiment, like he’s preparing to read my eulogy. “You’ve already sacrificed so much. But for now, I just need you to be safe. We won’t survive on our own. Our only chance out of this is to stay together.”
I touch my hand to his chest in response. Yes, I want to stay together.
“Promise me you’ll stick with me. No matter what happens. You’ll never stop believing in us. In our freedom together. Promise me.” He’s breathing heavy, gripping my waist like I might slip away.
“I promise.”
Kane lowers his head to mine, breathing deeply as if he’s about to go underwater. I lift my chin, offering my lips up to him, giving the permission he needs.
