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I miss you, Kane. I have a reoccurring thought of you coming for me, finding me, and holding your arms out so I can jump into them. The thought makes my heart yearn for you. I think about you so much it burns my insides like letting a blender tear me apart. Can you hear me when I think this right now? As I lie in this sardonic darkness? I want to cry out your name in hopes you’ll hear me from wherever you are. But I know that will only bring on another beating. So, this is my attempt. I will think these thoughts as loudly as you need me to.
I open my eyes and a river of fear breaks through a dam that enters my nervous system. I am blind once more. But what did I really expect? Last time it lasted for days, I think. I don’t want to go through it again. I’d rather have the ice bath. My face still throbs and aches from the mark of her fists.
This time, I can’t control the firestorm of panic that cripples my limbs.
The blood in my veins runs rampant, yelling and screaming at all internal operations to go into crisis mode. My nerves tingle and my stomach sours, bile splashing along the walls of my esophagus. I’m a short circuit. Loose wires buzzing and fusing. Pops and explosions of misguided electricity.
And I am a coward. Because those instincts that possess someone to fight or flee the scene aren’t here at all. My only instinct is to freeze. To not move a muscle.
This is the moment I would scream for my daddy to let me out of the basement. I’d howl until my throat felt like it had been whipped. I remember the moment I went under the asylum with Dessin for the first time. The way he kept me calm during my attack of fear and flashback.
If there was ever a moment that Dessin would swoop in, make a scene, rage with an unholy fire of vengeance—this is that moment. I’d beg on my hands and knees to be that lucky.
My heart stops and stutters, and I stay still. I am unmoving, cold, hard porcelain. A doll that isn’t alive. A doll that doesn’t have a heartbeat. I am not real.
I begin to picture dangers that wait in the corners of the room. Beasts that hunger to rip my flesh from my bone. Monsters that my mind is conjuring up just like Absinthe said. The taunting warning stirs my anger.
He’s going to come for me! He’s going to kill you! I scream in my thoughts. Further in my mind, I hunch over and yell at the top of my lungs! COME BACK FOR ME, DESSIN! THEY’RE GOING TO HURT ME!
…I’m so scared.
I can hear the phantom growls lurking behind me. My teeth bite down on my tongue until a bitter stream of blood coats my mouth.
This is it. I’ll lose my mind. I’ll lose it and I won’t find it again. It will disappear into this blind landscape and it won’t wait for me to escape this hell.
Scarlett, I’m scared!
In my mind’s eyes, the darkness shifts, transforms like a puff of smoke. There’s a figure. An animal. A dark shadow that looms over me, waiting while I imagine the monsters are closing in on my cage. And it’s patient, unthreatening. I focus, trying to see the details. A beast, massive in size, far too big for this cage.
DaiSzek? It sniffs me, nudges at my hand to rise. It’s time, he tells me this with his set of cinnamon eyes.
I realize what he’s trying to get me to do. My body isn’t mine while they have me in this cage, but my mind will keep me safe. But here, behind the lids of my eyes, is DaiSzek, offering to take me someplace safe. Someplace where I can wish my body well while it withstands this isolation.
I rise as DaiSzek bows the front half of his body so I may climb onto his back. With my legs securely on either side, I wrap my arms around his fluffy neck and hold on tight. He roars at the darkness, at the monsters who exist outside of my mind, and begins to run with me latched on tightly. We vaporize through the cage, gliding through this prison with long, triumphant leaps to freedom. We race to a small golden glow, an orb of rich light at the ending of this black room.
His strides take us farther than the length of a horse.
Within moments, we reach the end of this dark pit of hell, and bright colors begin to smear the edges of this reality. Blues, pinks, greens, yellows, mixing with the black paint. And we soar from its shadows. My fingers grip the length of his fur, and I can’t imagine a better feeling than the blustery wind giving us the steps to fly away.
As the darkness drains from existence, we stride into an open field, with tall avocado-green grass, lilac flowers, swaying wisteria trees, and huge evergreens. The sun is out and shining, beaming down on my once cold skin, warming my insides, coating my long hair.
His stride melts into a slower trot. I was worried I’d never see sunlight again. I was afraid I’d never breathe fresh air again. I focus closer on the ground, to see the flowers that are evenly distributed throughout the meadow. Sunflowers in full bloom, and violet candytufts. The smell of the lavender herb fills the fresh air around us.
DaiSzek lowers himself to the ground in the middle of the field. I bring my right leg over to the left side of his body and step away. His large eyes pinpoint a spot across the horizon. I follow his gaze to a slight movement in the trees, the shuffling of leaves and branches.
A boy pushes past a cluster of twigs and leaves, stepping out into the open meadow of blooming flowers. He looks back at me, smiles, and waves.
I think I know him…
From this distance, I can see he has brown hair with cowlicks, wearing a white T-shirt with black suspenders and tan trousers. He walks over to me like he’s greeted people here many times before. As he closes the distance, I step back to be closer to DaiSzek. The boy wears a glowing white smile and a set of dimples. Wait…
I scan over his face again frantically. His smile grows wider.
“Kane?” I ask with a loss of breath.
He chuckles with a closed mouth. The sounder is lighter, less husky, less deep than I’m used to.
“Who else would be here?”
