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I frown. “I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid something terrible happened to him. I won’t let myself think about the possibility that he might have been killed. If he was, then why would Albatross keep me locked away? I’m leverage. I must be. But if he is alive, then maybe… maybe Albatross was right about him. What if Dessin isn’t as superior as he believes? What if he is a sad victim of a horrible psychological experiment? It will destroy him if he figures that out.”
Kane tilts his chin downward to get a better look at me.
“Those aren’t your only theories, are they?”
I look up at him from under my lashes. I shake my hand and place my face in my hands. I can’t talk about the last thought that dwindles around my subconscious like a murky devil swimming through my feelings in toxic wastewater.
I exhale roughly. “I’m scared… I think there’s a chance I imagined him. It’s not entirely ridiculous. I was experiencing great loss at the time we first met. I lost my father and then Scarlett back to back. I witnessed both of their deaths. There’s only so much pain a person can take before they crack into a million tiny pieces. What if I made him up to survive it all, Kane? What if he isn’t even real? What if I lost my mind?”
He sighs. Clasps his hands over his lap. “What would you do if that were true?”
I unload a frustrated laugh. “What would I do?” An uneven sigh. I lower myself, settle on my back, facing the sky and the purple wisteria frolicking in the heavy wind. “I couldn’t go on. He’s the reason I’m alive. The reason I’m still going. I wouldn’t have joy without him. I wouldn’t have happiness.”
Kane lies down next to me. “Why is he your reason for happiness?”
I laugh again. “I guess you started psychoanalyzing at a young age, huh?”
He shrugs and grins back at me. “Just talented, I guess.”
“Very.” I nod. My smile slips away. “I don’t exactly know why I’m so happy when I’m with him. Maybe because he’s the one that saw me at the asylum? Really saw me, flaws and all. He brought me out of the dark place I was chained to when Scarlett died. I guess our friendship is more of a connection than I’ve ever had with anyone. I’ve clung to him through everything.”
Kane watches me carefully. His young face full of curiosity.
“I don’t know why…” I add. I turn my head to face the sun again. I do know why. I’m just scared to say it out loud. He rejected me after we kissed. And then we slept together. After that, I’ve done my best to not beg for him to want me romantically. I don’t want him to think I’m desperate.
“It’s okay to say it here. We’re in your safe place, remember?”
I blow out another breath, dig my fingers into the grass, and shut my eyes.
“I love him.” The words are like double-edged swords. They shock me as I pull them from my heart. “I love him so much. I can’t lose him. I have to see him again.”
“I know,” he whispers.
36. The Man, The Myth, The Lie
DaiSzek carried me back to the room with my cage. I didn’t plan on returning. I could lie in that special place for the rest of my days. But my truth, the hidden secret weighing me down, was finally acknowledged. Finally said out loud, or at least in my head. I want to see him again. I have to.
Young Kane told me that the men were gone now. It was safe to go back.
I hugged DaiSzek around his neck and fell back into the body that lay still. Cold and defiled. Trembling and sad.
I remain as I was with my eyes still closed. I don’t want to open them. I don’t want to reenter this reality I just ran from. As I flex my fingers and wiggle my toes, my nostrils fill with the scent of cigarette smoke, a light waft of cleaning chemicals, and the sweat of a man.
“What did you do?!” Albatross raises his voice. It forces my lids to flicker open. The light is back on. The chandelier reflects off of the metal of my cage. I see the red velvet material over his kneecaps tucked away in the corner of the room.
“What do you mean?” I ask wearily.
A teacup soars through the air and shatters against my cage. Scalding hot tea splatters over my skin, fragments of porcelain puncture my arms, legs, and cheeks. I screech, fanning my burning skin while trying to pluck the shards from my new tiny wounds.
“What the hell happened? You were terrified one moment, your vitals were through the roof, and then suddenly you completely leveled out!”
I keep my face composed. “I fell asleep.” I’ll never tell you where I went. Never tell you who I saw.
An angry chuckle. “You fell asle—” His long finger reaches out past the shadows into the light. “You blacked out, didn’t you? Went someplace far away in your mind?”
I shake my head. No. Don’t tell him anything.
“DON’T YOU LIE TO ME, BITCH!” Albatross swipes at a table and knocks everything to the ground with a loud crash of glass and books. “I’ve done nothing but help you since you arrived!”
