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My fight instinct kicks in and I barrel my elbow into his groin. He falls backwards, giving me time to get up, but it’s short-lived. He captures me again, throws me to the ground, and bangs my head off the concrete. I see stars. I’m dizzy and disorientated.
My last thought before blackness overtakes me is, this is it. He’s going to kill me.
I wake up in a cold sweat. My covers are soaking, my heart is racing, and my hands are shaking. This is how I've woken up the last two mornings. It doesn't matter when I close my eyes; I see the room I was in like I'm still there. I smell the stench from the bucket I had to use as the bathroom. I see the dark, damp walls. I feel the dirt and grime on my skin. Worst of all, I see and feel that man all over me. I doubt I'll ever forget that. Even when Caleb comforts me, I remember what I endured, but in a strange way, I like how attentive Caleb is with me. He's never changed in all the years we've been apart. He's grown into a strong man. Handsome. Caring. Everything I've dreamed about over the years, but now those dreams are eliminated by the nightmares.
I should have come home sooner.
I constantly question my decisions back then. I constantly think about things I could have done differently. I’m going to drive myself crazy.
If only I told my parents I was coming home. If only are two little words that will forever plague my mind.
I get up, shower, and dress in clothes Clay brought here for me. It feels nice to get a hot shower and dressed in clean clothes every day. It's amazing what we take for granted in life. It isn't until we don't have those basic needs that we realize we have an easy life. Some of the scenes I’ve come across in Africa and Afghanistan would make the coldest of people break down. I never once imagined that I’d face similar conditions in my own home country. It’s sad the world we live in.
Walking through Caleb's house is comfortable. I feel safe. Only now, I need to leave this safe place for the first time since I arrived here. I need to go to the hospital for my appointment and I dread every moment. I would much rather just stay locked up in here. Feeling like a prisoner has become the norm for me, and this space is more than what I'm used to. Out there in the big bad world is too much. I’m terrified of everyone. A simple cab ride turned into my worst nightmare. Who would have thought it?
"Hey." I jump out of my skin and hold my heart. "I'm sorry. I thought you heard me coming up behind you," says Caleb. "Are you okay?"
I shake my head. "No. I..."
I wring my hands together and feel the panic wash over me from head to toe. My throat feels like it’s closing, and no air can get in or out of my lungs. I’m fighting to breathe.
"Sit. Breathe. Breathe with me." Caleb holds my face to look him in the eye. He breathes in and out slowly and I try to follow him. "That's it. You're okay. I'm never going to let anything happen to you. You’re safe."
I take comfort from Caleb’s words. I always have since we were kids. Only now, I can't think to the future and relax when everything is so uncertain. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. I might have been saved, but my life is over. I might be safe here, but it still doesn’t stop me from worrying, panicking, and wondering what’s going to happen next. I’m going to be a single mother and my baby has a murderer for a father. When I think about those details, I feel sick.
I hear the door open behind Caleb, and Clay comes to a halt when he sees the state of me. Caleb doesn't even look away from my eyes. He remains the calm factor that I need.
“That’s it. Keep breathing.”
I feel my heart rate lowering slightly. I can hear the blood whooshing through my veins, but it isn’t as fierce. I’m starting to relax again… for now.
"Do you want to tell me what brought that panic attack on? It might help to talk about it."
"L-leaving here.” I take in another deep breath just to make sure I’m not actually suffocating. “I feel safe here. Anything could happen out there. He probably knows I'm here. He's waiting for me to leave." I sob erratically all over Caleb again.
"That's not going to happen. Clay and I, we won't leave your side. We also have police at the hospital. Nothing is going to happen, honey. I know I sound like a broken record, but I promise you that everything's going to be okay."
I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on for dear life. His hands run up and down my back, and I try to take comfort in such a simple gesture, but I can't even think straight today. I don't know how long I'm in Caleb's arms, but the next thing I know, Clay says, "Guys, we need to leave soon."
Caleb releases me slowly, letting me get used to my surroundings again. He's very good at knowing what I need when I don't even know myself. I want to say it’s because of his job, but he’s always been on board with my feelings.
"You can do this."
That's the problem. I don't think I can do this. I feel weak. I feel powerless. I don’t even feel like a person anymore.
***
We've sat in the hospital waiting room for fifteen minutes. I'm sandwiched in between Clay and Caleb, only Caleb has his hand wrapped securely around mine. I take a huge comfort from that, even though every bang, beep, or telephone ring makes me jumpy. I feel like a frightened puppy. Everything terrifies me. It’s like I’m seeing the world for the first time all over again… and I don’t know if I like it.
"Aria Marshall."
I look up to see the doctor standing a few feet away from me. He smiles at us and I remain seated when Caleb stands up. My heart is racing again. I’m going to end up having a heart attack at this rate.
"You've got this. Clay will sit here and keep a look out. I have an earpiece in just in case of anything. It’s a precautionary measure only.’"
I don't know whether that calms me or makes me worse. The fact that they're thinking of every scenario means they're thinking like me. They're expecting that man to come for me at any given time. The threat is just as large as it was a few days ago.
I stand up, gripping Caleb's hand tighter. I'm surprised the poor guy still has working hands, because I've squeezed them like a stress toy.
