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Chapter 1
7months later
Clay
I sit back in my chair and swivel around like a child would do. Closing a file on my desk, filing it away as case closed, is always a good feeling. A job well done. Time to move on to the next. That’s my routine lately; eat, work, sleep, repeat.
For nearly nine years, my two brothers and I have been running our own business here in Chicago. I guess the change was exactly what we all needed. Caleb left his career as a detective in CPD, I left the military, and Chris left his personal training behind. We come together as Shawland Security. It hasn't been an easy road, not by a long shot, but we get through everything as a team. We have each other’s backs, no matter what the situation is. We’ve faced our fair share of shit over the last few years, but we’re still a united front.
I’ve always been close to my brothers, even when we had our own separate careers. We were there for one another. If one of us was hurting, we were all hurting. Our mother made us the way we are today; she would have spanked our asses if we ever had angry words with one another. Now, our unity is something not many families have these days. My parents are proud of the men we’ve become. They tell us often enough.
“It’s an honor to have siblings. It’s not a burden like some think. Be there for one another, because then you’ll always have someone in your corner.” Those were my mother’s favorite words to us all. It worked, because all these years later, I remember them clearly. I can hear her say them, and it’s a reminder to me how much I love and need my family. I’m not ashamed to say that. Without them, I’d be a nobody. We’re only here today because of our family unit.
The last two weeks have been crazy for us all, because Caleb and his girlfriend have lived in hell, with her kidnapping, rape, and then the birth of her daughter a month early. Today is the day they got to become a proper family, with no threats hanging over their heads, because they brought their baby girl home. They’re finally safe and ready to face the rest of their lives together. Finally. We all knew they were meant to be together. We just didn’t expect them to go through the hell they did to get here.
Life throws curveballs, but sometimes those curveballs are so far off the mark, we’re left with emptiness.
That brings me to here and now. I got a call from Shay’s brother, Carrick. I hadn’t heard from him in months, not since the army stopped searching for Shay and any of her remaining squad members. When I say, ‘stopped searching’, they didn’t say that in so many words, but I’ve been there, and there comes a point when they can’t do any more. As much as it pains me, I get it. Why search for the inevitable after so long? There are only so many times they can comb through the area the team was deployed in before they have to say enough is enough.
I can’t wrap my head around never seeing Shay again. I don’t want to. Every night she haunts my dreams. Every day she plagues my mind. My short stuff. My reason for fucking breathing. I just wish I never left her there. I should have kicked up fuck, thrown her over my shoulder, and signed her discharge papers myself, but I didn’t. I walked away and left her there. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but all these years later, she took her last breath fighting for her country. I keep telling myself she died doing something she loved, but how could she love something so much that was killing her, taking her away from her family. You need to recognize when it’s time to move on. I did. Some soldiers, Shay included, are blinded by the life they lead in the army. They’re sucked in to the point they can’t get out. It’s like an addiction, one that will eventually kill you.
Why didn’t you fight for us, Shay?
I throw down my pen and growl. That call from Carrick left me in a bad mood. I hate myself for feeling like this because, just an hour ago, I was getting cuddles from my baby niece, Sharlynn. She’s adorable. It’s amazing how holding a baby makes everything feel better. It makes all your cares wash away. Nothing matters apart from that tiny bundle in your arms. You’d do anything to protect that little life. Anything at all.
“You’re working late, bro. You okay?” asks Chris as he enters my office.
I take in a deep breath and lean my head back against the chair. I’m always working late, just to ease the painful memories and the nightmares that follow. I’ll do anything to keep busy.
“I’m good. Do you fancy getting a drink or two?”
Chris widens his eyes at me and folds his big arms across his chest. If you didn’t know Chris, you’d think his size was intimidating, but he’s a big teddy bear. He’s my younger brother, and I love him dearly, even though he’s a pain in my ass.
“I’ll have as many drinks as you want, but I want you to talk to me first. You look like death, and after the good outcome we’ve had with Caleb and Aria, I thought you’d be jumping for joy.”
I nod weakly and smile. “I’m over the moon for them. If anyone deserves some happiness, it’s those two. They were meant to have a happy ever after.”
“So, what’s got you looking so doom and gloom?”
“I was talking with Shay’s brother. He’s not doing too well. I guess it just brought it all back, you know? The uncertainty of everything. Where is her body? Why didn’t they find her?” I shrug.
“Do you want me to get Caleb, because I’m really not the right one to be talking to about emotions and shit. You know this.”
I smirk. “Well, tough, baby bro. Leave Caleb where he belongs. He and Aria need all the rest they can get with a new baby at home.”
Chris pulls a seat across from the corner and sits down beside me. “What do you need? Apart from alcohol, because that will only numb whatever you’ve got going on now. You’ll wake up tomorrow feeling just as bad. Trust me, I’ve been there.”
I study my brother for a few moments. Chris has always been the deep thinker. The one that has a level head. I wish I had that. I wish I could stop overthinking things and just concentrate on the moment, but not knowing how Shay died, or where her body is… Well, that’s a mind fuck. I can’t believe she’s gone without proof, and since the army has called off all searches, we’ll never have that confirmation. She has been left to rot into the earth, and that kills me every damn day.
“I want what Caleb and Aria have. We’re not getting any younger. I want a family of my own. The woman I love. I want it all. Even the dog and the white picket fence.”
“And what’s stopping you? You have a good business. You’re a good guy. Not bad looking. You have it all going on.” Chris punches my arm.
I shrug. “I’ve only ever loved Shay, and I couldn’t even get that right.”
Chris clears his throat. “There is no right or wrong thing to do when you love someone, Clay. You’ve just got to grieve for Shay. You’ve got to move on, bro, before it buries you too deep. This behavior isn’t healthy. Maybe you need to talk to a grief counsellor or something like that.”
“Every day, I wake up thinking about Shay. She’s the first person on my mind. How can I move on? It wouldn’t be fair to me or another woman. They would be living in the shadow of a ghost. And that’s the killer part. I don’t know if she’s actually dead. What if she’s out there somewhere, waiting for us to rescue her? Look at what happened to Aria. She was captured for a goddamn year before she got away.”
